Pregnancy, it’s a beautiful thing. You’re bringing new life into the world and while this miracle is happening, your hormones and moods tend to make you a little loopy.
Small things turn to big things which end in three ways, you laughing hysterically at something offensive (this rarely happens), crying hysterically or throwing a large Slurpee at someone (not that it’s happened to me or anything…) So, if you’re a non-pregnant person, you may want to avoid saying the following if you don’t want to wear the aforementioned Slurpee.
Got ‘baby brain’ have you?
Are you freaking kidding?! Look, we forgot something, tripped over or stumbled over our words, must be because we’re carrying another human inside us right?! Must be it!
Do not you miss alcohol? I couldn’t do it!
We no longer have fantasies about Brad Pitt or George Clooney, we dream about an ice-cold beer, yes beer, because our cravings have gone whack and now we like beer when we despised it before. Or a frozen strawberry daiquiri with extra rum or vodka or tequila. Yes genius… we miss alcohol.
Your vagina will never be the same
How many studies have you done on post-birth and pre-birth vaginas and where are the stats at for this? By no means should you look down there for at least a month, but still, forget this kind of talk. You’re not going to be that concerned a few weeks into motherhood, however if this comes from your partner, it might be time to slap them and walk away to calm down.
So, did you plan this baby or was it a surprise?
People are incredible, aren’t they? The words just come out of their mouths and they have a brain, you know they do but it doesn’t seem functional at times. I would highly suggest you ask them if they were a surprise to their parents? Or did they plan to have a nosey child? Harsh but come on, totally called for.
It’s about time!
For some reason people think they know when it’s the right time for YOU to have children. This is not only incredibly insensitive as you may have had trouble falling pregnant but also an awful insinuation that you’ve taken too long to do something for them. Stuff them, this is your life and your body. Things happen when they are meant to, whether friends, relos or even strangers like it or not.
Will you go back to work or JUST stay at home with the baby?
This is currently a hot topic, but also one that isn’t anyone else’s business but yours. Do you girl, whether you choose to go back and work or stay home and raise the children, own it and be proud.
Yes, it’s (unfortunately) the only time it is acceptable in today’s society to get larger, when you’re pregnant. Your body is supposed to change but there is NO need for someone to call you huge whether you’re pregnant or just had a big lunch. You might inform them that a little person is currently residing in your body and you’re not ‘HUGE’, you’re pregnant.
Who’s the dad?
Yes, people are just that dumb. These are the people you should be walking away from. It’s so insulting and none of their business who’s all up in yours so tell them to sod off.
Eating for two are we?
It’s not our fault we’re perpetually hungry or have no appetite at all. There is no reason to keep reminding us of it, so just pass the bag of chips (or chocolates) and shut up.
You know I read… blah, blah, blah…
We don’t care what horrible things you’ve read about things that can/might go wrong. Keep those scare tactics for someone else… or just don’t share them. We’re already terrified and don’t need your input of new fears.
You’re not eating [insert food item here] are you?
Look, if our OB or midwife has given us the clear then we’re going to eat it. That also goes for things we’re not going to eat. It’s your body and now is really not the time for old wives tales about eating duck and baby getting webbed feet from that incident.
You’re STILL preggo?! It feels like you’ve been pregnant forever.
This isn’t lost on us. While the miracle of life is wondrous, the last few weeks or months can feel like time has slowed down and we feel like whales. There’s really no need to point it out. We know.
Got an offender in your life who drops a few of these clangers around your pregnant self? Feel free to tag them in the article so they get the hint!