20 Confessions of a Grown-Up and Why I Don’t Give a F*ck

I love being in my 40s. Nothing seems to matter as much when you’re 40, except maybe for a good hydrating skin-care product. 

I’ve never had an issue with turning another year older, in fact I’m grateful for every birthday. Just lately however, I’ve noticed a real shift in my thinking and I realised with some disdain … I’m not a kid anymore.

It wasn’t anything glaringly obvious. Rather a collection of things that firmly plant me in the middle-aged garden. Twenty things that make it clear that I am a grown-up.

1. This is the biggest one. I just can’t be fucked. And by that I mean I really cannot be bothered with anything that is inane. This includes, but is not limited to, people, children, conversations, television programs, books and food.

2. Fashion is no longer of any real interest to me, unless it’s stretchy. Comfort is more important than fashion. Ditto warmth.

3. There was a time that I would take advantage of any sunny day in a groovy beer garden somewhere or drinking coffee while watching people on the street. Now, random sunny, winter days equals washing. If someone invites me out on one of these random sunny winter days, I will either decline or meet them AFTER I have done at least two laundry loads … otherwise I would be wasting a perfect washing opportunity. Interestingly I don’t find washing inane.

4. Dinner time is 6pm. If I am invited to dinner anytime from 7pm and later – I will eat first and then order an entree and wine instead of a main. It’s actually genius and I advise young people to start doing it.

5. If the phone rings at home after 9pm for any other reason than a medical emergency, I will sound pissed off when I answer it. This is because I am. There is nothing, that’s not a matter of extreme urgency, that needs to be talked about or shared after 9pm.

6. I can’t stand most of the music that young people are listening to today … and I like to remind everyone, especially said young people, that I am from the “heyday” that invented dance music. And the song that they love right now is actually a bad cover of the original that I still own the cassingle of.

7. I ask my 10 year old how to upload something to YouTube and record something on the hard drive.

8. I like spending time with my Mum.

9. I don’t understand why young women choose to not have hair on their vagina. I speak about this to young men and women whenever I’m afforded the luxury. And often even when I’m not.

10. I consider anyone under the age of thirty, ‘twelve’.

11. I love going to bed early. I relish it and crave it too. I love it most when there are fresh sheets on the bed and I’m alone with a page-turner of a book. If the story is good enough, and I’m in bed early enough to read more than three pages before passing out, that could quite possibly be an ideal Saturday night for me.

12. I’m happy and comfortable to say no. To anything. Invitations, favours and particularly anything that falls into the category of point number 1.

13. I am no longer recruiting for friends, so I have no need to impress anyone that’s unimportant to me.

14. These days, putting on make-up involves more than lipgloss and mascara … and I own special foundation that promises to make my skin look younger.

15. My sort-of social calendar is full of 40ths, 50ths, my friend’s kid’s 18ths and funerals.

16. If I haven’t achieved anything by 10 o’clock in the morning I feel as though I’ve wasted half the day.

17. I usually achieve a lot by 10 o’clock in the morning!

18. I burn scented candles whenever I want … not just when I’m expecting visitors or on special occasions. Life is short. Light the candles.

19. I listen to Mix 102.3 and I know all the songs. Word for word.

20. I am happy with me. I like me. I no longer want to change me or wish I was someone other than me. I like where I am and I like the people I have chosen to be by my side. I like the way I look and I like the way I feel. I’m confident that I would be a complete hornbag if I actually exercised and the only reason I’m not a complete hornbag is because I find exercise inane and well … please read point number 1 again.