Hey guys, how many times have you had sex this month? Not as many as you would like, I bet.

Well, there’s a reason for that and it’s probably on this list.

1. You don’t pay any attention to our mind’s needs.
Surely by now you know that the best foreplay is that which involves stimulating our mind first. Not sure what that involves? Talking. About stuff that interests us. Not sure what interests us? It’s going to be a long time between drinks for you buddy.

2. You don’t make any effort to get us in the mood.
See above

3. You don’t clean up after yourself.
We get sick of doing all the cleaning. Especially cleaning up after you. Pick up after yourself and then maybe you’ll ‘pick up’.

4. We’re tired.
That’s a legitimate reason. Maybe if we didn’t have to do all your f*cking washing, we would have more energy.

5. We spend our whole life looking after your kids first, your home second and ourselves last. There’s not a lot left for you.
Yes, it’s in that order. If you want to change it, try helping out at home and there may be something left for you.

6. We’re bored.
Beware the bored woman. We end up online or scrapbooking or eating.

7. We don’t like the way our bodies feel/look.
Our body changed after childbirth and we haven’t reconciled that yet. Or we’ve hit forty and the boobs have hit the floor. Unlike you guys, the way we feel about ourselves affects our libido. Right or wrong, that’s a fact.

8. We really do have a headache.
Again, legitimate reason. The last thing you want when your head is pounding, is a pounding. Right?

9. We’re scared the kids are going to walk in.
Do I need to explain this?

10. We’re annoyed that you just don’t get it.
The fact that someone has to write a list about all the reasons we don’t want to have sex with you is a turn off.

11. You think your hard dick is our responsibility.
It’s not. You wake up with that thing. Sort it out.

12. You need to have sex to feel loved. We need to feel loved to have sex.
STALEMATE

13. We’ve just had a baby.
And there are a hundred reasons that varies from woman to woman. From stitches to c-sections to extra, extra weight, to uncontrollable emotions, to pain, to haemorrhoids, to bleeding. We’ve just had a baby. Give us a break.

14. We’re breastfeeding.
And suddenly our boobs take on a whole new meaning for us. They’re feeding your baby and that’s not as easy and gorgeous as it looks. Our nipples are cracked and our breasts are sore. They probably leak and we feel very much like a cow. That’s not a f*ckable feeling.

15. We don’t want to get pregnant… again.
What’s the ONLY way we know that’s not going to happen?? You got it. Just say ‘no’.

16. Your mother is in the next room.
That’s all.

17. It’s too cold.

18. It’s too hot.

19. We have our period.
That means bleeding and cramps. In the legs, in the back, in the stomach. Very unsexy.

20. We’re just not interested in sex at the moment.

21. We just had sex yesterday.
You want to do it again?

22. We just had sex last week.
You want to do it again?

23. You take too long.
Hurry up. There are kids in the house and your mum’s in the next room and your washing needs to be done.

24. You don’t take long enough.
Is that it? FFS. Give us a minute to get there too.

25. We just got our hair done.
That’s expensive. Don’t mess it up.

26. We resent your freedom.
We’ve had your baby[s] and you remain unchanged. We’re dealing with changed bodies and changed lifestyles. Our emotions are inextricably linked to our children and for some of us that’s a massive adjustment to take on. Some of us are housebound. Some of us are depressed. All of us are tired. You go to work. Talk to grown-ups. Play golf. Ride your bike. Come home and want sex. Ummm… no thanks. Arsehole.

27. You’re not Christian Grey.

Disclaimer #1.  This list is NOT about me and my husband [though I did contribute to it]. It’s a compilation from my friends and their husbands.

Disclaimer #2. I KNOW this is a generalisation and I KNOW it’s written from a heterosexual, middle-aged, mother’s perspective. It’s the only perspective I have.

This list is, by no means, complete. Can you contribute?

Author

Seventies Baby writes the things we think... but don't say out loud! A gloves-off perspective of womanhood, parenting and modern family life in a world obsessed with being perfect and politically correct. You can (and should!) follow her blog at www.seventiesbaby.blogspot.com or find her on Facebook.

6 Comments

  1. First of all, I laughed reading this. I don’t like saying this, but the language in this has me really concerned, and genuinely hope I am wrong. I really, Really want to empahsise, what I am about to say has NOTHING TO DO WITH SEX, but I suspect the author is heading for a divorce. Let me reiterate, it has nothing to do with sex, its the language used. There is lots of “you” (the first 3 start with “you”), the language of blame. Anything negative seems to be his. His house that need cleaning, his kids. (sorry if you are a step mum that’s moved in) I am sure if a divorce comes up they will be a shared thing, but at the moment, its all his fault. My 2 biggest concerns? 5, Yeah there is a list, and as a bloke I get we are down on the list. If the ship is sinking, yeah women and children first, no problems. However if you children have something on every night after school and three things on the weekend and you are too tired to pay the one at the bottom of the list, who is incidentally, the only one who can walk out….. Its about balance. (26, get some time alone too, even if its via childcare, if it makes everything easier its worth it) Number 9? Get a privacy lock, it gave my marriage another 8 months life. And number 12 (which I agree with, right up until stalemate) it should be a we have a problem, can we come to a mutually agreeable outcome taking into each others wants and needs as we love each other.
    Look for the solutions, not at the problems.
    Next time his mum comes over, leave her with the kids, tell her how much you would appreciate the dishes being done, go out, come back after a lovely meal, some time alone, and enjoy some time alone with her son.
    She has had kids, she should know what its like. Families are centered around their parents relationship. Just get him to thank her if you think she heard anything.

  2. yep you will be a single mother very quickly with that attitude lol

  3. This is hilarious! EVERYONE can relate to one, some, most or all…if you say you can’t you are FIBBING! Thank-you for keeping it REAL!

  4. Emjay Morrissey Reply

    LOVE IT! Although you can keep Christian Grey! Bhahahaha Don’t have a problem with no 15 though. I got myself “fixed” lol.

  5. This terrible and not funny at all. My marriage of 23 years died because of this. I did everything on the list and much more. Why destroy the relationship because of some selfish whatever the hell it is, who knows? Once a month is just painful when you are laying next to someone you thought you loved while she mucks around on Facebook or watches boring sitcoms. And then of course each month I gave her multiple orgasms and rarely managed to get off myself I was so focused on giving her enough pleasure to want more. And then another month. All I know is that by the end I felt completely dead inside and there was nothing more to give and I wouldn’t complain anymore and would pretend it was all copacetic . And she felt justified – like I should be able cope – and so shocked when she threw me out one day and I didn’t want to come back. Can’t even get started dating after a year because I feel so emasculated. Maybe if you want to keep your relationship you should consider and care for your partner instead of feeling so entitled.

  6. jimmy craked corn Reply

    You have 27 days covered there. What about the 28 though 30 sometimes 31 days?

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