25 Ways To Totally Offend Your Toddler + 10 Hilarious Pics Why...

25 Ways To Totally Offend Your Toddler + 10 Hilarious Pics Why My Kid is Crying

Crying child at the table with her bacon and eggs meal

Toddlers. They are temperamental little buggers right? The pint-sized dictators of our hearts and breakers of our souls.

God forbid they tried to be consistent or any level rational. On the upside, their complete lack care for anything but themselves makes these little narcissists ever-so-easy to offend… 

We know toddlers can be an unpredictable bunch. One moment, they’re happy as Larry with their lot in life – the next thing you know, they’re in meltdown mode because they can’t remove their eyebrows. Or they’ve lost their shadow. Or you basically looked at them completely wrong. Keeping them content 24/7 can be bloody hard, but offending them – hey, that seems to be a breeze.

Stuck for ideas? With plenty of practice under our belts, here’s our never fail ways to offend your toddler today.

Bonus points if you can tick off all 25 in a 24-hour period.
Your reward? Wine. You’ll need it. Make that deserve it.

25 Ways To Offend Your Toddler Today

  1. Sending them back to bed after you wake to find them sitting on your head at 5.41am. How very dare you.
  1. Failing to recognise the swirly green crayon marks are obviouslya portrait of Daddy.
  1. Suggesting yesterday’s knickers are not the best superhero mask. Hygiene is not important when it comes to being a caped crusader, Mum.
  1. Cutting their toast into squares. Of course, they wanted triangles.
  1. Cutting their toast into triangles. Of course, they wanted squares.
  1. Not cutting their toast at all. Because you gave up.
  1. Suggesting they don’t take their blanket into the shower. Even if they might get cold, apparently.
  1. Not letting them use your mascara to draw on the bed sheets. Or your lipstick.
  1. Failing to make water ‘not so wet’. (Yep, really).
  1. Requesting they don’t ride the dog like a pony.
  1. Requesting they don’t lick your arm.
  1. Requesting they don’t lick the dog.
  1. Asking them not to push playdoh up their nose. Or anything else they think warrants a good shove up there.
  1. Declining their persistent offer to take over the vacuuming.
  1. Offering them a piece of fruit without spotting that (microscopic) flaw. (You’d think it was horse manure). That tiny brown speck is a total deal breaker.
  1. Asking them if they need the toilet before leaving the house.
  1. Looking sceptical when they insist they don’t need the toilet before leaving the house.
  1. Losing your shit when they say they’re ‘busting’ for the toilet – just after you’ve left the house.
  1. Tickling them the ‘wrong’ way. Major Mummy fail there.
  1. Forgetting the rules to the game they’ve just made up. Yes the game is sh*t. And boring. And makes no sense at all. But that’s our fault.
  1. Sighing when they moan their t-shirt feels ‘funny’. (Give us strength). Or the label is itchy. Even when you’ve already removed it.
  1. Being unable to locate the balloon they brought home from a party – three months ago.
  1. Not realizing their favorite food yesterday is – today – the most disgusting food ever. Doh.
  1. Maintaining a tissue is more appropriate for snot then a sleeve. As if, Mum. I love this green slime on my arm, do not insist on a tissue.
  1. Simply daring to bring up the subject of bedtime. Ever. I mean, seriously, who is running this joint anyway?

Crying child over his cheerio on a table with spoon and bowl

Baby wants to have Tattoo in a Tattoo parlor

Crying baby with a muffin bag in his baby chair

Crying child at a farm with goats

Crying child at the door while sister hoses him with water

BCrying baby in wash tub with rubber ducky on his head

Crying babies on the couch over their new hats

Crying child while lying on the floor

Crying child at the table with her bacon and eggs meal
reasons my kid is crying

Image Credit: Reasons My Son is Crying.

Sacha Burkett
Sacha has been a writer and journalist for over a decade. A happy mama of two, wife to one, Sacha is a lover of books, wine and sleep - all of which she would generally like more of!