How To Leave The House With 2 Kids In 28 Easy Steps

Remember those days that leaving the house to go anywhere involved getting yourself ready, grabbing your bag and keys and just LEAVING THE HOUSE?

Then you became a mum and now you’re reading an article on how to leave the house with kids.

(Cue the Benny Hill soundtrack)

Jump out of bed at 5:30am to the ‘alarm’ of youngest child screaming for milk.
Try to trick youngest child into falling back to sleep by smuggling him into your bed for a cosy breastfeed.
Just as you think youngest might actually be nodding back off to sleep, be woken by eldest child poking you in the back with a toy car.
Give up on the dream of going back to sleep and get everyone up.
Throw food in the general direction of children. Expect to have it thrown back at you.
Make coffee.
Chase youngest child around the lounge room in an attempt to change his nappy. Succeed in removing the nappy only to have him slip out of your grasp before you get a fresh one on.
Clean up wee from the kitchen floor, corridor and lounge room rug.
Finally succeed in fully dressing youngest child. Position him at the table with the iPad.
Chase eldest child around house waving rainbow leggings and a pink t-shirt like a flag of surrender. Finally catch up to her in your bedroom, where she pretends to be asleep and completely ignores you.
Dress ‘sleeping’ child, which is exactly like trying to stuff a doona into a too-small doona-cover.
Return to lounge room to find youngest child has removed his trousers, although somehow still has his shoes on.
Re-heat coffee.
Put pants back on youngest, and scoop eldest child’s hair into a ponytail amidst much screaming and flailing of arms (yours and hers).
Realise that you are not dressed yet. Quickly throw on pre-selected work-appropriate outfit, do one minute make-up job and bunch hair into a ‘messy bun’ (as described by Cosmo).
Commence countdown of “we are leaving in 10 minutes”, at least 20 minutes before required departure time.
Ensure bags are packed with required changes of clothes, water bottles, hats and nappies, after first removing yesterday’s artwork.
Re-heat coffee (again). Drink half of it in one gulp. Burn mouth. Swear and pour the remainder down the sink.
Bring toothbrushes into loungeroom so children can brush teeth while watching Ben and Holly.
Brush your own teeth while ensuring all doors are locked and lights are off in the house.
Turn off the TV, chase children out of the house, get eldest child to climb into her car seat while you strap youngest into his.
Remove eldest child from the driver’s seat where she has pressed all the buttons and moved your mirror.
Run back inside with eldest child who suddenly declares she needs the toilet.
Rush back outside (leaving eldest child teetering precariously on the loo) after realising you’ve left the youngest child strapped in his carseat in the car… with the engine running.
Remove youngest child and carry him back inside under your arm in the football hold.
Help eldest child wipe bum, pull pants up and wash hands.
Lift a child up under each arm and carry them both out into the car, strap them into their carseats and prepare to leave.
Exit the driveway… and don’t look back.