Handling Hurtful Comments and the Dreaded I Hate You's

Parenting comes with ups and downs, cuddles and tears, and the dreaded tantrums – which seem to have no age limit. Sometimes, the hurtful comments that come out of their mouths can be heartbreaking. How do you maintain grace and poise and hold on to your role as the parent when your heart is splintering? It’s not easy.

The “I hate you”s can come out of nowhere too and even little kids can say things that hurt. As they grow up, they learn new ways to voice their frustration and anger and it’s not uncommon for school-aged kids to start saying things that sting.

Teens tend to be the best at really cutting us with their words. They don’t always mean to hurt our feelings. Their hurtful comments may be a result of frustration, misunderstanding, or emotional distress.

Common Hurtful Comments from Children

Some common phrases I’ve heard, and you probably have too, include:

“I hate you” or “I wish you were not my parent”: Usually used in the heat of an argument, expressing their anger or frustration. Very often said without thinking and usually not a true reflection of their feelings.

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“You never understand me/listen to me/care about my feelings”: Common with teens because they feel like we are not connecting with them or supporting them emotionally.

“You’re always yelling at me”: It really does feel like this sometimes when the arguments outweigh the good times.

“You’re so embarrassing”: Generational gaps am I right?

“You’re never proud of me”: Sometimes our kids feel like we’re not acknowledging their accomplishments or efforts as much as they would like us to.

“You’re so unfair”: This can come as a result of a ‘No’ or when you’re trying to mediate arguments between siblings to neither’s satisfaction.

handing hurtful comments — Source: Adobe Stock

“I don’t want to be like you when I grow up.” This statement is hurtful as it implies a lack of admiration or respect for the values, behaviours, or lifestyle.

“You don’t trust me”: This one can be used to express frustration that we don’t see our kids as the teenagers/almost adults they are. But it can also be used to manipulate us when they want to do something they know we wouldn’t approve of. I may or may not have used this a time or two in my youth.

“You’re ruining my life”/”I don’t care what you think”: Oh, the dramatics of youth. Everything feels like life or death when you’re a teenager and we are public enemy number one when we don’t agree. It feels like when our kids hit thirteen, we cease to know anything and are always wrong (even when it turns out we were right).

Handling ‘I Hate You”s: How Do You Deal With It?

If you’re feeling frustrated, disappointed, or conflicted with your kid’s usage of these statements, it’s important to communicate openly with them.

Hearing such statements from a child can be hurtful and challenging. They make you doubt yourself and wonder if you’re actually ruining their future. You mustn’t react out of fear or anger. Take a minute and gather your thoughts and emotions.

If I am in this situation and find I can’t think clearly, I simply tell them ‘That’s unfortunate. I love you and I’m here for you when you’re ready.”

If you find yourself in this situation, approach it with understanding and open communication.

Here are some suggestions:

Stay Calm: Try to remain calm and composed, even though the words may be hurtful. Responding in anger or defensiveness might escalate the situation.

Ask for Specifics: If it feels appropriate, ask for specific examples or reasons behind the statement. This can provide insight into your child’s feelings and concerns.

Express Your Feelings: Share your own feelings calmly and honestly. Let your child know how their words have affected you and explain your perspective on parenting.

Listen Actively: Give your child the opportunity to express their thoughts and feelings. Active listening can help them feel heard and understood.

Seek Common Ground: Look for areas of agreement and understanding. Finding common ground can help build a bridge between different perspectives.

Reflect on Parenting Style: Consider whether there are aspects of your parenting style that may need adjustment. Self-reflection can be an important part of personal growth.

Encourage Open Communication: Reinforce the importance of open communication in the family. Encourage your child to express their thoughts and feelings respectfully.

Apologise if Necessary: If you identify areas where you could have handled things differently, be willing to apologise. This demonstrates humility and a commitment to improvement.

Reassure Your Love: Reassure your child that your love for them is unconditional. Emphasise that, despite any disagreements or challenges, you are there to support and care for them.

Set Boundaries: While acknowledging your child’s feelings, set clear boundaries regarding disrespectful language. Reinforce the importance of expressing emotions constructively and respectfully.

Professional Support: If there are persistent challenges in the parent-child relationship, consider seeking the help of a family counsellor or therapist. A neutral third party can facilitate communication and provide guidance.

Remember that parenting is a complex journey and a huge learning process for both parents and children. Open dialogue, mutual respect, and a willingness to understand each other can contribute to a healthier relationship. The hurtful comments, they hurt, but remember, they come from a place of confusion, not hate.