Welcome to The Golden Bachelor: Episode 8 Recap, the One Where Bear Gets Grilled, Meets the Families, and We All Need Therapy!
The Golden Bachelor Australia – Episode 8
Grab your wine and a comfy spot on the couch ladies, this episode of The Golden Bachelor serves charity gala drama and a sprinkle of Botox-fuelled bitchiness.
Read our hilarious Facebook recap here – the comment are gold!
Hometowns, Baby!
After last night’s shock departures, tonight’s all about hometown visits. The tables have turned, and for once, the ladies are calling the shots. It is time for Bear to meet their families, and time for us to grab the popcorn.
But first, let us all do our best acting and pretend we did not get wind of the season spoiler today of the final two jetting off to South Africa when the show was filmed back in April. Sure, we are shocked. Totally. But moving onto tonight’s episode…
Golf, Groins, and Gutsy Moves
Sunny, the self-proclaimed “CEO for today,” has planned a golf date. Because nothing says romance like sunscreen, sweat, and swinging metal sticks.
Bear admits it has been thirty years since he did the “meet the family” thing. Thirty. He turns up in a tucked-in shirt and shorts that show off his dad-bod belly like a proud kangaroo pouch. The look screams “retired PE teacher who loves a sausage sizzle.”
But Sunny doesn’t care. Oh no, she’s got eyes for him and a one way plan to get him for good!
Bear says he loves Sunny’s sense of humour (probably because he has not displayed one yet).
Sunny goes full throttle, leaning over and pressing herself up into his crotch while showing him how she likes to swing. There is so much bottom-to-crotch contact that Channel 9 should have issued a parental warning, and will likely have HR twitching.
He hits the ball perfectly. She jumps up onto him. Legs everywhere with a kiss like she’s auditioning for Bridgerton. Then, surprise, surprise, another picnic. I am convinced Channel 9 bought picnic rugs in bulk from Kmart this season.
Sunny then says she has something to tell him. Shocking, since she has already told him everything, including her dental history. She drops the L-bomb. Bear responds with “My feelings for you are growing as well.”
Sweetheart, that is not the only thing growing after that golf lesson. Nudge nudge, wink wink.
Sunny then tells Bear who he is meeting from her family, and he repeats their names like he is revising for an exam or suffering short-term memory loss.
The Daughters and the Discount Flowers
We enter Sunny’s mansion. Bear arrives with one sad bunch of flowers for two daughters. Come on, Bear, it is not 1997 Mother’s Day at Woolworths.
Sunny announces, “He is my boyfriend,” and Bear nearly faints. “Errr, not quite,” he mutters, looking like a man wishing for a sinkhole.
She proudly flashes her pearl necklace (from her ‘boyfriend’) … yes, the one he bought her after their aphrodisiac fuelled date shucking oysters. Subtle as a brick.
Sunny’s daughters, Penny and Chloe, immediately put on their detective hats. Chloe’s boyfriend turns up, and Bear is thrilled to see another man, but the girls drag him outside for interrogation faster than an episode of Border Security.
“What is your biggest flaw?” they ask. He replies, “I don’t compromise much, and I compare everyone to my late wife.” Wow, romance is alive and well.
They ask if he finds their mum intimidating. He says no. We all scream yes. Sunny gives scary “manager of HR and head of the PTA” vibes.
Then comes the moment of truth.
“Are you a feminist?” asks Chloe, raising one eyebrow. Bear says no, then admits he does not know what that means. Points for honesty, minus points for… everything else.
And let us not forget, Sunny’s daughter says she “does not catch feelings easily.”
Ummm…girl, your mum just dropped a bombshell only now disclosing to Bear that she has only been single for SIX MONTHS after a fifteen-year marriage. Feelings are flying around like mozzies at dusk, forcing Bear to ponder if she is in this for real or is she being swept up in the moment?
Blessings, Boredom, and the Open-Eyed Kiss
Somehow the daughters give their blessing. Maybe the producers slipped them a drink.
Bear kisses Sunny goodbye, eyes wide open like he is checking the camera angles. We all need bleach for our retinas.
He wonders if Sunny is just caught up in the romance. YES BEAR SHE IS. Welcome to the show, sweetheart.
Welcome to Brisbane, Baby – It’s Kim’s Turn
Bear lands in Brisbane, looking around like he has never seen a city before. “Wow, look at this place,” he mutters, as if Brisbane just appeared overnight.
Kim lives on the river and wants something “energetic” as her date. She takes him to a place called Vertigo. He gets strapped into a harness, looking like a startled koala, and asks if they are scaling a wall. Nope. They are dangling off the side of a building, while eating lunch … because nothing says “love story” like the possibility of falling 70 metres onto concrete.
Hanging off the edge of the building on a chair, and clinging to his glass of wine like it is holy water, Bear seems quite awkward. Kim’s loving it, chatting away while he silently prays to every deity available.
Kim admits she prefers adventure to glamour. Five minutes later, however, she shows up to meet her family looking more glammed up than a Logies red carpet. Consistency? Never heard of her.
Bear tries to “leap” off a chair and ends up flailing like a spider on a trampoline. Kim, meanwhile, lands gracefully in his arms. Another kiss, another close-up, another cameraman regretting his career choices
Meeting Kim’s Crew
Kim introduces Bear to her son Ben, daughter Abby, and bestie Joanna, who starts grilling him before the entrée. Then her son shows him pictures of her soon-to-be grandchild, and for one brief moment, it is actually sweet.
But the kids are protective. They pull Bear aside and ask hard questions. He talks about grief, and they can tell he is avoiding real commitment faster than a bloke avoiding IKEA.
They warn him not to hurt her. Kim thanks everyone sweetly, then takes him outside to confess she is falling for him. Bear says he “feels strongly too,” which is basically Bachelor-speak for “I like you, but please stop crying.”
Kim goes in for the snog, and he enjoys it, though he looks like he is mentally packing his bags.
Mount Martha Magic – It’s Janette’s Turn
Bear heads off to Mount Martha to meet lady number 3, Janette.
She loves her coastal life, her safe haven, but knows she needs to open up. She greets Bear with legs wrapped, arms tight, and another kiss. Does anyone on this show know how to say hello without tongues?
Cue another picnic. Channel 9 must have a discount code for “picnic props in bulk.”
Bear meets her family and Leanne, Janette’s bestie (who claims she is psychic and can “tap into souls”.) Excellent, this should go well.
Surprise, surprise, Bear arrives with one slightly larger bunch of flowers (progress), but still just the one. Who gets them? Jeanette’s mum, sister, or psychic friend?
Bear actually seems relaxed for once. He certainly feels at home with Janette’s family. We love them too. That is, until bestie Leanne starts eyeballing him like she is reading his aura.
Psychic Vibes and Emotional Fumbles
Leanne says she senses something not genuine. We all nod. She tells him he is sitting on the fence. He stammers and twitches, and suddenly, she changes her mind and gives him a thumbs up. Maybe his aura rebooted mid-chat.
Janette’s family adore him, but we are all yelling at the screen, “TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL!” She cannot do it. Oh, Janette, darling. Why?
We love Janette. She is real, grounded, and deserves better. Bianca still holds the top spot in our hearts, but Janette’s a gem. Spit it out already girl!!
The Rose Ceremony – Tension, Tears, and Boredom
The room is electric. Janette walks in looking stunning, Sunny strides in looking like she means business, and Kim glows like a woman who knows she is about to be dumped.
Bear looks “conflicted,” which is cute since he probably made his choice three days ago when the producers told him to.
First rose goes to Sunny. WHAT. THE. ACTUAL?! She latches onto his neck like a python, kissing him with the intensity of a woman claiming territory.
ONE ROSE LEFT and you can cut the air with a knife!
Orchestra sounds like it’s in full swing. Blonde heads are bobbing, and he then manages to utter the second name … Janette.
Kim is out.
Sunny fake-cries everywhere, dabbing invisible tears while side-eyeing the cameras.
Kim is devastated. We are devastated. We really liked Kim.
Bear walks her outside to politely say goodbye (meanwhile, audio notched up the mic x 50 to play her racing heartbeat out loud for all to hear!) What was that about? Are we at a cardiologist appointment or a breakup scene?
The Final Two and Future Drama
And there we have it ladies, the final two. – Sunny and Janette.
Next week, it’s time for Bear’s “boys” to grill the ladies. Oh joy!.
Until then, let us start a real movement – #BiancaForBachelorette
Heck, Australia deserves it. Bianca deserves it, and frankly, after this emotional circus, we deserve it too.
Cheers to the chaos, ladies.See you next time
Ellie
1 Comment
The house shown as being in Mount Martha is actually in Rosebud and a rental. Why are these shows so dishonest about simple things?