Seven skills. That’s all it takes and our children will grow up to be successful. Of course, it’s not that black and white but educational psychologist Michele Borba, has shared some amazing insight on how just seven skills children need and how they can positively impact them, now and in their future.
As an educational psychologist, I learned a very important lesson: Thrivers are made, not born,” Michele explains. “Children need safe, loving and structured childhoods, but they also need autonomy, competence and agency to flourish.
After combing through piles of research on traits most highly correlated to optimising kids’ thriving abilities, I identified seven skills children need to boost mental toughness, resilience, social competence, self-awareness and moral strength — and they are what separates successful kids who shine from those who struggle.”
1. Self-confidence
We tell our kids every day how proud we are of them, how amazing they are and how they are doing a good job. But self-confidence isn’t just about boosting their self-esteem.
Self-confidence is more about being confident to face obstacles, to create solutions, to fail, even, and to snap back on their own. It’s so hard to step back and let our kids tackle problems on their own but, in some instances, it’s what we need to do.
Kids with self-confidence “know they can fail but also rebound, and that’s why we must unleash ourselves from hovering, snowplowing and rescuing.”
How to help them: Step back, let them try, fall, fail. Be their biggest cheerleader so they know they can do it, but let them give it a go themselves.
2. Empathy
Being able to understand how other people feel is such an important character strength. Being compassionate – or acting on our empathy – is another beautiful quality that deserves all the praise in the world.
How to help them: According to Michele, to help your child develop empathy, you need to lay the groundwork:
Build their emotional vocabulary: Intentionally name emotions in context to help them build an emotion vocabulary: “You’re happy!” “You seem upset.”
Ask questions: “How did that make you feel?” “You seem scared. Am I right?”
Share feelings: Kids need opportunities to express their feelings in a safe way. Create that space by sharing your own emotions: “I didn’t sleep much so I’m irritable.” “I’m frustrated with this book.”
Notice others: Point out people’s faces and body language at the library or park: “How do you think that man feels?” “Have you ever felt like that?”
3. Self-control
Being able to control our emotions is something we pretty much all struggle with. Kids, especially! But being able to control your thoughts and actions is one of the most important ways to succeed in life.
How to help them: As Michele writes,
“One way to teach self-control is to give signals. Some kids have a hard time changing focus between activities. That’s why teachers use “attention signals” like ringing a bell or verbal cues: “Pencils down, eyes up.”
Develop a signal, practice together, and then expect attention! A few: “I need your attention in one minute.” “Ready to listen?”
Another technique is to use stress pauses. Slowing down gives them time to think. Ask them to count to 10 before answering.”
4. Integrity
We all want our kids to be good people – to be kind, to care, to do good, to know what’s right. This is what integrity is all about – it’s our children’s moral compass and it needs us to help guide them.
How to help them: A hot tip from Michele is to praise their ethical behaviour. “Call out integrity, then describe the action so your child knows what they did to deserve recognition.”
Michele also suggests using the word ‘because’ so that the praise is more specific and you are teaching your child why this deserves recognition.
For example:
“That showed integrity because you refused to pass on that gossip.”
“You showed integrity because you kept your promise to go with your friend even though you had to give up the slumber party!”
5. Curiosity
It killed the cat but it’s actually really good for our kids to have a curious nature. This is what builds their passion, their motivation, and their minds. Curiosity is what will drive to them discover, explore and take on new challenges.
How to help them:
Try open-ended toys, gadgets, and games. Paint. Yarn. Popsicle sticks. Things where they can think outside the box to create something different.
Model inquisitiveness. Instead of saying “That won’t work,” try “Let’s see what happens!” Instead of giving answers, ask: “What do you think?” “How do you know?” “How can you find out?”
Use ‘I wonder” questions: When reading a book, watching a movie or even just people watching in general, engage them in “I wonder” conversation: “I wonder where she’s going.” “I wonder why they’re doing that.” “I wonder what happens next.”
6. Perseverance
There are a lot of things that can derail kids or make them simply give up. Perseverance is the stuff that keeps them going, even when it gets hard.
How to help them: The best way is to teach them to break down their problem into tinier problems – to showcase that it’s not as hard as they think and there are ways around it.
“Some kids give up because they feel overwhelmed with “all the problems” or “all their assignments,” Michele explains, “Chunking tasks into smaller parts helps kids who have difficulties focusing or getting started.”
7. Optimism
Finally, we’ve got optimism. A positive way to end, don’t you think? While many people think optimism is built into one’s nature, it’s completely possible to teach your brain (and your kids’ brains) to see things in a positive light, to view obstacles as temporary, and to accept these challenges.
How to help them: Start by keeping a tally of just how optimistic you are.
“Over the next few days, tune in to your typical messages and assess the outlook you offer your kids.”
If you find that you’re in a pessimistic headspace, your kids may be more likely to adopt this too. If you’re glittering with positivity, chances are, your kids will start to mimic this happy sparkle too.
For more tips and tricks from Michele, check out: “Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine” and “UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About Me World.”
Follow her on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.
