Recap: Golden Bachelor Australia Episode 4 — Feathers, Fundraisers and Feelings Fly!

The sun’s blazing, the pool’s sparkling and the gals are splashing around pretending this is a graceful water aerobics calass. Five seconds later, it’s less an elegant exercise and more Nanna’s pool party gone rogue. There are bums, squeals and one absolute pearler of a line, “We’re not in sync anymore because we don’t get periods.” … Iconic!

Sam strolls in, calm as ever, holding that gold envelope like she’s about to announce the Lotto numbers. “Who’s got the feels?” she asks. Sunny’s crushing, Kim’s glowing, Catherine’s overthinking and Katrina’s not waiting. She snatches that envelope faster than a shopper at a Boxing Day sale. It’s a single date, and the lucky lady? None other than Terri, our glam property investor with a killer smile and a few trust issues.

Terri rocks up to Luna Park dressed for comfort in jeans and jumper. No nonsense, just as she is. Meanwhile, Bear’s flexing his muscles like he’s auditioning for Bondi Rescue, Midlife Edition. They hit the Ferris wheel, scream their way through the roller coaster and share one of those deep, let’s talk about feelings convos that sound suspiciously like a therapy session with better lighting. We do love Terri though. She was one of our top picks from Episode 1.

Terri opens up about heartbreak, Bear nods like a man who’s just discovered empathy and then whips out a surprise. Relax, it’s a rose, not whatever your filthy minds were picturing!

Next up, the group date. It’s all about glamming up for a big charity gala fundraiser with guests from Channel 9. Think Dancing With the Stars meets Real Housewives of Retirement. Half the girls are performing, the rest are fundraising and everyone’s in full sparkle mode.

Kim opens up about losing her husband to cancer, Elizete shares her story of losing her parents and brother, and Sunny, our actual ray of sunshine, reveals she’s a breast cancer survivor. This woman radiates strength and joy … someone hand her every rose in the country!

Cut to the Intercontinental Double Bay, where the glam squad is working overtime. There’s contouring, curling and chaos, as Bianca confesses she’s had sixteen nervous poos and honestly, who among us hasn’t before a big night?

Then in walk Sam and Bear, together again, bonded like false eyelashes in a heatwave.

Angie from Gogglebox drops the truth bomb of the season, telling Bear “not to just pick the woman he wants to sleep with the most”. Give that woman a medal!

Allie Langdon and Brady Halls from A Current Affair arrive, because apparently the producers invited every Nine personality within a ten-kilometre radius

Bear starts with a speech flatter than yesterday’s Coke Zero until Sam jumps in and saves it with actual charisma.

Catherine, Jan and Janette kick things off with an 80s-inspired Let’s Get Physical routine, a lot of glitter, a few pelvic thrusts and what can only be described as a group hip replacement in progress. The crowd is living for it.

Next, Nurse Katrina calls Bear up for a medical exam. Dr Kimmy joins in, Bear’s butt cheeks clench tighter than a pair of Spanx, and suddenly we’re watching Fifty Shades of Medicare. There’s lube, giggles and a strong sense that HR will have notes.

Then Lauren struts out with her feathered sidekick, Mary Macaw. Yes, a real parrot. Lauren’s trying for Marilyn Monroe, but Mary’s gone rogue, squawking, flapping and knocking over flower arrangements. Guests are ducking for cover while Lauren pretends it’s all part of the act. Note to self, never share the spotlight with a bird having a nervous breakdown.

Bianca takes the stage with a comedy routine, and Sunny brings the night home with an emotional speech that has everyone ugly-crying into their champagne. She’s beautiful, brave and everything we adore.

Sam closes the night announcing they’ve raised $10,100 while Lauren hovers nearby, trying to edge her out of the camera frame. Calm down, Barbie, you’ll get your moment.

The ladies gather for cocktail time and Bianca decides enough is enough. “These heels hurt, take them off!” she shouts, “YOLO” kicking hers off like a queen. Within seconds, stilettos are flying through the air like it’s 6pm at Flemington on Cup Day. Bianca, you’re our spirit animal!

Bear whisks Sunny away for a sneaky pash while Lauren’s still yabbering about herself and her parrot. Elizete and Katrina roll their eyes so hard you can hear it, the claws are officially out. Someone calls Lauren “Barbie” and honestly, the shoe, or stiletto fits.

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The tension is thicker than fake tan on a wedding day. There’s a sigh of relief for Sunny, as Bear picks her first for the rose, as the others smile politely while plotting their revenge. But we are all cheering loudly. Go Sunny!

Next up, Kim, our beloved Dr Kimmy, gets her rose and Bear says, “Matches your dress,” Kim smiles sweetly and replies, “I am a Rose” Cue collective eye roll and the distant sound of a sick bag being opened.

One by one, the roses are handed out, but Jan’s name still hasn’t been called. Two roses left, three ladies waiting, Lauren, Katrina and Jan. Cue the dramatic music. Lauren gets the second-to-last rose, and it’s down to the final two.

The pause is so long we could’ve all made a cuppa. Finally Jan gets the rose, meaning we say goodbye to Katrina and Laura, two of the most genuine, down-to-earth women in the house. Honestly Bear, what are you looking for? Because you just sent home the good ones and kept the parrot lady.

  Until Next Time, Ellie