Remember looking lovingly at your newborn and thinking how you couldn’t wait for them to grow up? And walk? And talk? And be fun to play with? Yeah, us too. And wasn’t that a gigantic bloody myth.
Toddlers are two-and-a-half-year-old, unfiltered arseholes in self-chosen clothing. Here are 10 things you’ll appreciate about newborns – only once you own a full-blown threenager!
Newborns don’t ask questions
Of course; you can’t wait until your baby utters their first word. But right now, take comfort they don’t talk. When they do, expect belters such as ‘Where do clouds go at night’, ‘What do rainbows smell of?’, and ‘Do my poos have eyes?’ Yep, really. Is it bad that I sometimes with my toddler would just #pleasestoptalking?
Newborns don’t care what they wear
Toddlers can have very definite opinions on their outfits and heaven help any momma trying to gently sway them to more suitable attire. Sometimes a green tutu, leopard print leggings and a pair of pink frilly knickers as a headband just has to do. Swimmers in winter, ski jackets in summer what the toddler wants the toddler will wear.
Newborns can’t embarrass you in public
Babies won’t send you suddenly scarlet. Toddlers, on the other hand, will – as they excitedly point at strangers and ask, in unbelievably loud voices, ‘Mummy, why is that lady’s bottom so big?’ or declare ‘My vagina hurts…’ Nothing like that clanger to have all eyes upon you in the library.
Newborns won’t insist on helping with everything
Newborns will not try to wrestle the vacuum from your grasp. Newborns won’t hold the peg basket to ransom when you’re hanging out the washing. Newborns aren’t interested in cracking open the whole box of eggs into the mixing bowl despite a recipe that only calls for two. Newborns will not get into a tangle with the sticky tape when you’re wrapping gifts. Newborns are blissfully uninvolved!
Newborns don’t want to see if their crayons work on the walls
Babies don’t even want crayons. Let alone find your permanent markers. Toddlers do. And will. You have been warned.
Newborns won’t throw a tantrum
Newborns will sleep, eat, cry, and fill a nappy. Toddlers will have an epic, full-blown, maximum-impact meltdown for an infinite number of reasons, from finding their peas are too green to not being allowed to lick the dog. Bonus toddler points are for level 11 tantrums in front of the entire shopping centre and or your mother-in-law. Who’ll of course declare ‘her children never behaved like that!
Newborns can’t undress themselves
A toddler can. And will. At any given moment. Pants off in the middle of the mall? Absolutely.
Newborns don’t require snacks
Newborns just want their milk. But, with a toddler, every outing will require snacks. A whole heap of snacks. My little person can barely walk with me to the letterbox without a box of raisins and a piece of cheese.
Newborns can’t undress themselves
Take a newborn shopping and, with a little luck, they will stay sound asleep. Take a toddler shopping and they will usually be very, extraordinarily, awake. In fact, food shopping may result in a number of uninvited trolley additions, some heated discussions and the odd tear (from Mum, of course.) Clothes shopping? Yeah, that’s better done online.
Newborns won’t wake you up by sitting on your head
Nor will they rouse you by blowing wet raspberries on your face, singing a super high-pitched version of The Wheels On The Bus, or dancing the hokey-pokey on your bed. Newborns will wake you with a cry. Toddlers are more inclined to show off their talents. Even when mummy is very, very tired.
But, hey, your newborn won’t deliver spontaneous kisses, extra great hugs and brighten the toughest of days when they pipe up with ‘Love you’. Your toddler will. And how awesome is that!
