19 Things About Toilet Training You Won’t Find in the Parenting Books

So, your kid is ready to start toilet training huh? Yet another fluffy milestone in your angelic little cherub’s short life so far…. You’ve read the articles, you’ve consulted the books and you’ve spoken to your friends who’ve been through it.  Surely it can’t be that hard, right?

I mean you’ve got all you need…you’ve done the research, got the toilet seat, the rewards chart is up so you’re set.  You’ll have this done in no time! Think again my friend. Welcome to one of the potentially most frustrating parenting phases so far…. The delightful world of Toilet training!

Most books start with ‘you’ll know when your child is ready’. Bullshit! Your maternal instinct tells you lots of things but I don’t believe when to remove the nappies and sit on the loo is one of them.  The ‘when I have time to really work at this’ instinct is what drives this little toilet shaped truck. Making the time and putting in the effort will bring success but before you start, take a glance at these little gems to give you a snapshot of what you’re possibly in for…

1. Toilet training takes patience…. if you don’t have any you’re in for a real treat!
2. Buy lots of soap as you’ll wash your hands a lot.
3. At some point your hands will smell of shit…… hence the reason for no 2.
4. Invest in gloves if you don’t want no 3 to happen.
5. You’ll get paranoid your kid will wet themselves in the middle of Coles so you keep asking them if they need a wee.
6. Your kid will poo their pants and you’ll have to clean it up…sucks to be you!
7. You’ll probably swear……quite a lot actually.
8. You’ll try several different kinds of steps and toilet seats in your quest for success.
9. Don’t listen to smug people who tell you it’s a breeze. They’re lying.
10. At some point your child will do a poo on the floor.
11. Domestos and Pine ’O ’clean will become your best friend…especially when no 10 happens.
12. You won’t realize just how many pair of jocks/knickers your kid has until they’re all on the clothes line…… at the same time!
13. You’ll probably start toilet training, restart then start again several times over.
14. Every outing for the first few weeks will be carefully planned to ensure there’s a toilet close by.
15. You will party like its 1999 all because your child took a dump in the toilet for the first time.
16. You will probably cry with happiness at no 15.
17. You will discover patience you never thought you had.
18. You will reach new levels of frustration that you never thought possible.
19. You will be thrilled when your child has mastered the toilet yet upset that they are growing up so fast.

At the end of the day the poo smeared knickers, urine soaked jocks and the constant stench of bleach will all be worth it. Maybe you’ll find it straight forward or maybe it’ll be a hard slog; regardless of which, you will get there. Good luck, don’t stress and buy a nailbrush!