Our parents are the masters of lying. Need proof? Think about all of those little white lies parents told us as kids that we actually thought were true.
Heck, I still thought some of them were facts until I did a little digging online and discovered the truth.
Turns out, my parents were a lot smarter than I thought. I mean, some of these lies don’t even make sense. Yet there we were, eating carrots and our crusts, believing every word of their parent lies.
And look at us now, scarred, confused and most likely using the same BS lines on our own kids.
Well played parents. Well played.
How many of these lies did you believe as a kid?
1. Cutting your hair makes it grow faster
I literally used this line last week on my daughter. Why? Because I believed it was true! But, alas, it’s not. iI’s the follicles that determine the growth of your hair, not the ends. #MindBlown.
But, it worked out okay because my daughter’s hair was starting to look like the hair of the terrifying child who comes out of the television in The Ring. Seriously, cut yer hair. Or buy a hair tye at least.
2. Sitting too close to the TV causes you to go cross-eyed
No. It. Does. Not. It can cause eyestrain, sure, but any screen can do this.
And to think of all those wasted years of my childhood, sitting at a normal distance away from the TV.
3. Shaving will cause your hair to grow back thicker and faster
I still believed that, up until today. But it’s not true guys. It was simply a lie our mums told us because they didn’t want us to shave our legs too early. And most likely ruin their razors with our prepubescent baby hair legs.
I GET IT NOW.
4. Coffee stunts your growth
Another one my parents used A LOT to Tween Me.
Turns out, what they actually meant to say was, “Child, you’re 12. Step away from the coffee pot, stop stuffing your trainer bra and act your damned age.”
5. Eating your crusts makes your hair go curly
And to think of how many bits of shitty toast crusts I choked down to make this happen. Of course, it did not happen.
6. Going to bed with wet hair will make you catch a cold
You know what causes colds? Germs. Not wet hair. I firmly believe my parents just didn’t want me getting the pillows all wet with my soaking mop of non-curly hair.
7. Carrots will give you night vision
8-year-old me really wanted this to be true so consumed her body weight in carrots daily. Peed orange for weeks.
30-something-year-old me can’t see a thing without glasses. Recently broke her big toe tripping over the couch on the way to the toilet at 2am.
Where’s my night vision superpower I was promised? #RippedOff.
8. It’s illegal to drive with the centre console light on
Of course, it is not. But, as we NOW all know, thanks to our kids’ obsession with turning the stupid thing on when we drive, it’s hella-annoying.
So it makes perfect sense to tell kids it’s actually illegal. I’ve adapted the “it’s illegal” line heaps of times. In our household, it’s also illegal to leave wet towels on the floor in the bathroom.
9. If you crack your knuckles, you’ll get arthritis
Another lie that totes makes sense now. I can only imagine how annoying listening to your kids cracking their knuckles day in and day out could be. So, parents back then did what worked – they instilled a deep fear into us knuckle-cracking kids and enjoyed sweet silence. And victory.
Pretty impressive, really.
10. Swallowed gum will stay in your stomach for seven years
This was just cruel, really. I remember being too scared to even chew gum in case I accidentally swallowed it. Childhood ruined. Thanks a lot, parents.
11. You can’t go swimming for 30 minutes after eating
According to parents everywhere, you had to wait 30 minutes before swimming or else you wouldn’t be able to float. Um… okay.
I’m still not sure what the incentive behind this lie was? Most likely to force kids to help clean up after BBQs rather than heading straight for the pool.
I’m gonna try this one with Playstation. Wait 30 minutes after you eat to play video games or else your fingers won’t work. Worth a shot.
12. If you pee in the pool, everyone will know
Speaking of pools, according to our bullshit-artist parents, there’s this special dye that will change the colour of your pee. I probably endured hundreds of near-UTI’s from holding my wee for so long.
Thanks a lot, mum.
13. If you lie, your nose will grow
Pretty sure that was a puppet. But, hey, when you’re six, it makes sense. And every time you do tell a lie, you touch the tip of your nose, just to check. I can imagine parents LOVED watching this lie play out.
14. If you eat while laying down your food won’t digest
In other words – Get your ass off the living room couch and to the dinner table.
15. If you eat watermelon seeds, you will grow a giant watermelon baby in your stomach
Parents: Scaring kids away from watermelon and pregnancy with one myth since 1969.
16. If you fiddle with your belly button, it will unravel
17. Eating raw cookie dough, cake mix or two-minute noodles will give you worms
Worms? No. But this one does have some merit as you can get food poisoning from raw cookie dough and cake mix. Two-minute noodles, not so much.
18. If you make a face (or an eye roll) for too long, your face will get stuck this way
Lies. All Lies.
Well, parents, you may have won this round. But we are onto your lies now. Took a while, but, we got there in the end.