School Refusal: 7 Steps to Helping Your Anxious Child Return to School

Watching your child experience school anxiety or school refusal is very hard but it’s also quite common – a lot more kids struggle with this than you may think. Parentshop founder Michael Hawton shares some incredibly helpful tips on school refusal.

This 7-step plan is a game-changer for anyone with kids who are going through school refusal or school anxiety.

School refusal explained

As a parent of a child or teen, who has just started refusing to go to school, you’re no doubt caught in a quandary. A part of you knows that going to school is in your child’s best interest.

If they don’t go, they’ll miss out on valuable socialising and learning opportunities – and they’re likely to fall behind with their schoolwork. In the not-too-distant future, they just won’t be able to pick and choose if they will go to work – well, not long-term anyway.

Parents can find themselves feeling mean or they just don’t want the drama when faced with their child’s refusal to go to school. But school refusal, of course, is a ‘big deal’.

So, this 7-point program is for you. This return-to-school plan for children with school refusal can be used for primary through to high school students.

Step 1: Get yourself in the right headspace

It’s so easy for parents and carers to feel that they might be being “too tough” by insisting that their child goes to school. Parents and carers can too easily feel they are being mean. It’s not unusual for them to feel like they should give in to their child’s protests.

In general, you should perceive ‘going to school’ as a normal life challenge – even for children who have special needs. Going to school, with all of its ups and downs, is a normal life challenge and the vast majority of teachers are there to support your child.

In step one, remind yourself that you are following this return to school action plan because it is important for your child to have an education and to develop their friendship skills. You will need to counter your feelings of being a ‘mean’ parent by changing YOUR self-talk.

It might sound strange, I know, but your ‘chatter’ to yourself is important.

Here are some things you can say to yourself:

“I know it is in her best interests to go to school: there are social benefits and also it’s important that she not fall behind in her learning.”
“He needs to go to school to stay connected to his friends and to learn how to get along with people outside the family.”
“I am not being mean by helping him to face a normal life challenge, even if it is uncomfortable. In fact, by giving in to his or her resistance. I am implying that going to school is beyond his ability.”

There’s no getting around this, getting your child back into the habit of going to school will be hard so make sure you have the mental bandwidth in your own life to do it.

child refusing to go to school — Source: Adobe Stock

Step 2. From the get-go, state what your expectations are.

Let your children know that you expect that attending school 90% of the time is ‘normal.’ They should attend school every day unless they’re sick.

So, you might start by explaining this to your child:

“It’s our job to go to our workplaces; it’s your job to go to school unless you’re sick – in which case – we can work out what to do, then. Having an education is important and the government expects all parents to send their children to school.”

Step 3: Leave your own emotions at the door.

Even though you may be tempted to, try not to get into arguments with them or nag them about going to school. If they’re nervous or anxious about going to school, your frustration with them may backfire.

Unfortunately, it’s far too easy for children to ‘feed’ off your distress which, funnily enough, can have the strange effect of them wanting to stay home to look after you!

You’ll want to make your ‘return-to-school’ plan as calm and non-emotional as possible. Maybe you can remind them once every few days that going to school is important – but that’s it. The bottom line is no nagging.

Step 4: Stage their return to school and reward each step in the right direction.

The ultimate goal is to get your child to school and for them to stay the full day. The place you will need to start their return to school pathway should be the next meaningful step towards that goal.

Because every school refusal situation is different, your child will need you to work out the steps on their own ‘return to school’ ladder.

Have a look at the following ‘staged plan’ for getting your child on their pathway to returning to school.

10: Routinely and going to school for full days.
9: Goes to school for the morning.
8: Will go with their friend to one classroom door, then go home.
7: A friend comes by and buddies with them to accompany them to the school gate.
6: Teach them one ‘body-calming’ technique to use when they are feeling upset.
5: The teacher reaches out to your child (via your phone) each day to confirm how important it is they come to school.
4: Will get dressed into uniform in the morning and do a drive-by of school.
3: Gives over their phone to you for the day when they are at home.
2: Gets up to have a shower in the morning but doesn’t go to school.
1: Won’t get up in time and won’t get ready/ is absolutely refusing to go to school and your family is fighting.

For example, after you establish them getting your child dressed fed and ready to leave – but they don’t actually go to school.

Then, you might add, getting in the car and driving to the school but not getting out.

Then, you might get your child’s class teacher to make contact with your child to express their excitement about your child’s return to school.

Next, you might organise a buddy for your child to meet up with on the way to school.

Finally, you might take your child to school and with a buddy, walk in and go straight to a pre-arranged activity.

Have a plan in place at school in case your child struggles to stay in class all day. The important thing is for your child to stay at school for consecutive full days, even if they are not engaged in learning all day.

Step 5: Make clear and definite changes at home.

Now that your steps for a returning-to-school plan have been set up in your mind, you will need to think about steps you can make at home. In the early part of your ‘return to school’ plan, make your child’s days at home like their days at school. In short, don’t make being at home more rewarding than being at school.

Remove their access to devices, iPhones and TVs for the days they’re at home. Make them inaccessible.
Prepare them a packed lunch, snacks and drinks.
If you’re working from home don’t have conversations with them. Don’t take them on outings to the shops.
Get them up from bed at a normal time they would get up for school. Make sure that they go to bed at the time they would go to bed on a normal school night and don’t let them take their phone to bed.
The only exception for device use is to do their schoolwork, which should be monitored.

Overall, staying at home (8.30am to 3.30pm) needs to be boring in contrast with going to school. As you’re probably imagining, this is the most difficult part of your return-to-school plan.

Plan how you are going to reduce or remove their access to entertainment such as Netflix, computer games, and social media when they choose to stay home – anything they wouldn’t have if they were at school.

Step 6: Invite supportive others in your family to help.

To succeed in helping your child back to school, involve family allies to encourage their return. Recruit grandparents, aunts/uncles, schoolteachers, a school friend and even your close adult friends.

Ask them to call your child on your phone – or theirs.

Here is what they can say:

“Emily, I know you haven’t been going to school lately (fact). That must be tough (acknowledge). You’re going to face lots of challenges in life – including going to school (fact). I think you can find your way back to school. You’ve got this.”

Step 7: Maintain their participation in your ‘return to school’ plan.

Reward progress. Even when they get back to a normal routine, talk with your child each day by asking open-ended questions.

For example, “Tell me about something that happened at school today?”

Just listen for a few minutes, don’t necessarily try to solve their issue – and then express your confidence in their ability to face the normal challenges of going to school.

To sum up, supporting your child to go back to school can be one of the hardest problems any parent will face. This is mainly because school refusal can develop into such an entrenched family pattern that it can be very hard to undo.

It’s a tough ask for many families – not just yours.

Think about taking your babies for vaccinations or stopping your child from eating too many chips. They won’t like it. Your decision on their behalf won’t be liked by them but you also know it’s in their best interests!

You can also download a free copy of the 7-step handbook.

Michael Hawton, Founder & Child Psychologist

Michael Hawton is a registered Australian psychologist, trained teacher, author of Talk Less Listen More™, Engaging Adolescents™, and The Anxiety Coach™, international speaker, media commentator, and a father of two.

With 30 years’ experience working with children and families including in his private practice, working with the United Nations in Seychelles, and preparing child welfare reports for the Family Court, Michael is one of Australia’s foremost experts in child anxiety and managing difficult behaviours in children, adolescents, and adults.

You can find out more about helping your child with anxiety through Parentshop.