12 Hilariously Accurate Stages of Breastfeeding

It’s Breastfeeding Week ladies, the perfect time to honour our girls for all the hard work that they’ve done or are still doing.

My breastfeeding days are well and truly behind me and I’ve embraced the sad saggy pancake boob stage. But, I can still remember all the good times I had with my three kids attached my boobs. In fact, I can still remember each and every breastfeeding stage – the good, the bad, the teeth…

So, without further ado, here are the 12 phases of breastfeeding to look forward to or look back and laugh on.

1. Hellooo ginormous jugs (the engorgement stage)

Excuse me, nurse, I don’t mean to alarm you but someone has replaced my boobs with heavy boulders that look like they belong in a garden. Literally, people could paint characters on them and hide them in parks for children to find.

mum central — Bec Judd shared a snap of her milky mountains back in 2018.

2. The supply and demand stage

Your baby’s stomach is the size of an almond. Yet your breasts decide to produce 190 litres of milk every hour. Seriously, breasts, get it together.

3. The “just call me leaky’ stage

Milk. Everywhere. On your shirt. In the shower. All over the bed sheets. Night or day. The milk bar never closes.

And, as it turns out, your breasts don’t just produce milk from one main tap on your nipple that neatly fits into bub’s mouth. Oh no. There are hundreds of different exits for your milk. Like one of those lawn sprinklers gone amock.

via GIPHY

⇑ Literally, my bra attempting to contain the milk.

4. The week of cabbage

Ah yes. A newfound appreciation for cabbage. And not just because it’s the cheapest alternative to lettuce (thanks a lot lettuce shortage).

Not to eat, of course. But to plant across your chest in an attempt to reduce the inflammation and pain.

5. The Mastitis encounter

What fresh hell in this?? Heavy sweating, high fever, intense whole body aches, a boob that feels like it’s literally on fire. And don’t forget the strong urge to fall asleep on the cold hard floor and lie there forever.

Oh, but you can’t. Because your baby is hungry. Again.

Welcome to the 8th circle of hell. Mastitis.

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6. The months of Nipflash

Nipflash means you’ve probably left the newborn phase and now have a full blown baby who LOVES to look around at things. Especially when he’s feeding.

Meaning, you get to flash your nipple (and the milk oozing out of it) to anyone in the ten-meter splash zone.

7. Smooth operation

This is the blissful time in your breastfeeding journey when everything is going well. Supply and demand have sorted itself out, bub isn’t teething, you’re in a sort-of feeding groove, possibly even a routine. Enjoy it!

Because teeth are about to appear and literally bite the shit out of this bliss.

8. The teething tales and niplash phase

Nothing says “I love motherhood” quite like watching your infant use your nipple as a chew toy.

And let’s not forget about niplash – this fun stage occurs when bub decides to look around while keeping your nipple in his mouth, leaving your nipple stretching like a bungee cord. Feel the burn.

9. The pumping games

Your mission – to store enough breastmilk in little baggies so you can escape from your hungry infant for a few hours without your baby seeing what you’re doing and demanding that your feed them instead.

Whether to work, to the gym, for a night out – it’s all the same story. May the pumping gods be ever in your favour.

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10. The first sleep through

Beware of the exploding milk mountain. Launching in three..two..one…

11. The breastfeeding gymnastics stage

Mouth on boob. Hand down shirt. Foot in face. Bum in air. Upsidedown. The joy of feeding a toddler.

via GIPHY

12. The last supper

Some mums know this is their last time. They shut the doors, put up the closed sign and that’s it. No more bets.

Other mums only find this out after their little one decides they are ready to give it up completely and move to the next step. Either way, it’s bitter-sweet and just a little bit heartbreaking. Another reminder that our babies are growing up so quickly.

But also a reason to celebrate – your boobs are back! And that deserves a toast – heck, have a whole bottle. You’re feeding duties are done!

Then there’s the aftermath…

So, to all the mums who have been through the breastfeeding stages, are mid-way through for are heading into the fun soon, don’t forget to pat yourself on the back every once in a while for taking on this tricky task!

And to all the mums who are bottle feeding, don’t forget to also pat yourself on the back for taking on that tricky task too.

Breast or bottle, it’s all good. Happy World Breastfeeding Week, ladies! May your bed sheets stay dry and your nipples remain intact.