Advice

What is a ‘Body Count’ and Why It Doesn’t Matter

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A ‘body count’ is a socially used term for the number of people someone has had sex with. In this patriarchal society we live in, if you have a vagina and enjoy recreational sex with multiple partners (i.e., you have a high body count), the list of derogatory slurs is lengthy. If you happen to have a penis, you’re considered a stud, a player, an inspiration.

There is no such thing as a ‘normal’ body count but U.K.-based health retailer Superdrug conducted a survey of about 2,000 Americans and Europeans in 2019, finding that women, on average, had seven partners in their lifetime and men had 6.4. But this is just a number. If your body count is 1, or 1,000, or higher, it doesn’t matter.

Your body count
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Far too many people believe the vagina stretches to accommodate multiple penises and pop-out babies and doesn’t go back to the original size. Instead of a muscle, people seem to think out vaginas are made of memory foam. Funny how penises aren’t subjected to the same misconceptions.

And it’s about time we call bullsh*t in this mindset.

FUN FACT: The number of people you have slept with has no bearing on you as a person.

Your ‘body count’ has no impact on your worth as a human being, a partner or a parent.

This is your body. You can do with it what you want. If you want to sleep with an entire sports team, you can do that. You don’t owe anyone anything. You don’t need to tell them if you’ve ever had and been treated for an STI unless it is going to affect them. You don’t need to tell them the exact number of people you have been with. Your sexual partners’ history is yours. End. Of. Story.

I had a former partner who once complained to me that he wished I had been a virgin when we met (even though I was a single mother), so I could tell people he was the biggest and best I’d ever been with because I wouldn’t have ‘been stretched’. This was the beginning of him foisting his insecurities onto me and trying to make me feel bad that I had a history.

But I am not ashamed of my past. Without it, I wouldn’t be the person I am today.

You are allowed to enjoy sex with just one person or many.

You are not a slut if you enjoy sex. You are not a prude or frigid if you don’t enjoy sex. It’s beyond time we stop judging others for making choices in their lives that we might not make in ours.

How To Deal with a Judgy Partner

It’s one thing when our friends, family and co-workers judge us silently, or not so silently, for our enjoyment of sex. But it’s quite another when the judging is coming from someone we’ve chosen to share our bodies with.

Dealing with a partner who judges you based on your sexual history can be challenging, but it’s essential to address the issue and work towards understanding and acceptance.

Personally, I would end the relationship because they’re always going to have these thoughts in the back of their mind. And that can lead to resentment. I’d rather save myself, and any potential children, the hurt.

If a potential partner is going to judge me for the notches on my bedpost, they will never get to be one.

But, if you don’t want to end the relationship, here are some steps you can consider:

Open Communication:

Initiate an honest and calm conversation about your feelings. Share how their judgment is affecting you and the relationship. Encourage your partner to express their concerns and feelings as well. This dialogue can help both of you understand each other better.

Set Boundaries:

Communicate the boundaries regarding judgment and criticism. Let your partner know that it’s not acceptable to judge you based on your past experiences. Discuss what is and isn’t appropriate in terms of discussing each other’s histories.

Educate:

Help your partner understand that everyone has a unique past, and your experiences have contributed to who you are today. Share the reasons behind your past choices and decisions. Sometimes, understanding the context can alleviate concerns.

Seek Professional Help:

If the judgment persists and is causing significant issues, consider seeking the help of a relationship counsellor or therapist. A neutral third party can provide guidance and facilitate communication.

Build Trust:

Focus on building trust in your current relationship. Share your thoughts and feelings and encourage your partner to do the same. Work together on strengthening the emotional connection between you two.

Reflect on Your Feelings:

Reflect on your feelings about your past and whether there are any unresolved issues or insecurities. Understanding your own emotions can help you communicate more effectively with your partner.

Consider Relationship Compatibility:

Evaluate whether your values and attitudes towards relationships align. If there are fundamental differences that cannot be resolved, it may be worth considering the long-term compatibility of the relationship.

Give It Time:

Change and understanding take time. Be patient with each other as you navigate through this issue.

Remember, it’s important to be in a relationship where both partners feel respected and accepted. If your partner continues to judge you on your body count number, or anything for that matter, despite your efforts to communicate and work through the issue, you may need to reassess the health of the relationship and whether it’s conducive to both of your well-being.

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Avatar of Tina Evans

Tina Evans is a complete introvert, an avid reader of romance novels, horror novels and psychological thrillers. She’s a writer, movie viewer, and manager of the house menagerie: three kelpies, one cat, a fish, and a snake. She loves baking and cooking and using her kids as guinea pigs. She was a teenage parent and has learned a lot in twenty-three years of parenting. Tina loves Christmas and would love to experience a white Christmas once in her life. Aside from writing romance novels, she is passionate about feminism, equality, sci-fi, action movies and doing her part to help the planet.

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