Far too often we see reports of another child who was bullied to death, like 12-year-old Charlotte, 14-year-old Adriana, and 14-year-old Dolly. Interviews with parents reveal how devastated they are, and they talk about how they tried to intervene or get schools to notice what is happening to their children. And it often feels like schools are doing enough.
As a parent you would never want to think your child is a bully, but it happens.
With statistics showing 1 in 6 students say they’ve been picked on at school and at least 1 out of every 3 students being actively bullied every day, it’s clear this is an epidemic. One that’s costing kids their lives. Kids as young as seven have taken their lives because they were bullied.
There are countless articles on how to tell your child is being bullied, the damage bullying does, and how to help your child if they are being bullied. But there isn’t a lot of focus on the bullies themselves. Which is where more focus should be.
What to Do If Your Child is a Bully to Others
You might get a call from the school, or another parent, and feel blindsided. However, bullying isn’t just a phase or harmless behaviour — it’s serious and can cause long-term damage to everyone involved.
Discovering your child is bullying others can be a huge shock, but there are steps you can take to help them and those affected.
Why might your child be bullying someone?
Kids can bully for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes it’s a way to feel powerful, or they may be mimicking aggressive behaviour they’ve seen elsewhere. Stress at home, problems at school, learning difficulties, or just trying to fit in can also be triggers. Understanding the cause of your child’s actions will help you find the right approach to stop it.
If you find out your child is a bully, don’t despair. Things can improve, but it’ll take time and patience. Being consistent with discipline, setting boundaries, and teaching empathy are key steps in helping your child overcome bullying. Every child can learn and change, especially with the right guidance from you and others in their lives.
What Role Do We Play?
I would be devastated if I learned one of my kids was a bully. As I’m sure most of us would be. But sometimes, when you meet the bully’s family, it’s clear why the child acts the way they do.
Kids learn by what they see. If you speak negatively about someone, your kids think it’s ok to do the same, and vice versa. We are their biggest and most important role model. There’s a great poem, “Children Learn What They Live” by Dorothy Law Nolte that says it better than I ever could.
How Can I Help Them Change?
Here’s where your role as a parent becomes crucial. First, have an honest chat with your child. Find out why they’re acting this way and help them understand the impact their behaviour has on others. Explain that bullying is unacceptable, but do so in a way that encourages them to open up rather than making them defensive.
One of the most effective ways to stop bullying is by helping your child develop empathy. Talk about how their actions affect the feelings of others from a young age. Encourage them to imagine what it’s like to be in the shoes of the person they’ve hurt. Reading books, watching movies, or even role-playing scenarios where they can see things from another person’s perspective can also help strengthen their emotional awareness.
It’s also important to teach them healthy ways to manage emotions like anger or frustration. Many children lash out when they don’t know how to express what they’re feeling in a positive way. Help them practice techniques like taking deep breaths, counting to ten, or walking away from situations when they feel overwhelmed.
Working With the School
Collaboration with your child’s school is crucial. Schools are often the first to notice bullying behaviour, and they can provide support through anti-bullying programs or counselling services. Keep an open line of communication with teachers, and don’t hesitate to ask for their advice on managing the situation. The goal is for you, the school, and your child to work together toward positive change.
We all wish schools would be more proactive about combating bullying. Unfortunately, schools often struggle to effectively tackle this issue, even with established policies. This is partly due to a focus on maintaining a positive environment, which can lead to inadequate follow-up on reported incidents. Educators may worry that harsh consequences could worsen the situation or alienate students involved in bullying.
Moreover, many schools lack the necessary resources and training for staff to handle bullying consistently. As a result, victims and their families may feel unsupported when they need their help the most.
If bullying happens online, monitor your child’s online activities and make sure they understand that cyberbullying is just as harmful as face-to-face bullying. Set clear boundaries about internet use and encourage responsible and respectful communication online.
Signs your child might be a bully
It can be hard to tell if your child is a bully, especially since many kids don’t fully understand the harm their actions cause. Signs may include frequent conflicts with peers, a lack of empathy, and a tendency to dominate or manipulate others.
They might have a reputation at school for being aggressive or controlling, and if they seem indifferent to the feelings of others, that could be a red flag. Feedback from teachers or other parents is crucial, as children may act differently at home and school.
When Consequences Don’t Work
When gentle consequences fail to curb your child’s bullying behaviour or it escalates, it’s crucial to take a firmer approach. Begin by having an open and honest conversation about the impact of their actions, holding them accountable for the hurt they’ve caused. Involve them in restorative practices, such as writing letters of apology to their victims or participating in community service. This not only helps them understand the consequences of their behaviour but hopefully creates a sense of responsibility and empathy.
Consider implementing more structured consequences, such as removing privileges or engaging them in counselling. Regular check-ins with teachers or school staff can help monitor progress and ensure they receive the support needed to change. If the behaviour persists, it might be necessary to seek professional help, such as therapy, to address any underlying issues driving the bullying.
Taking tangible steps to address the situation shows that you are serious about stopping this behaviour and supporting your child to become more compassionate.
It’s natural to feel upset if your child is bullying others, but remember, you can address this. You can turn things around by helping them understand why their actions are wrong, teaching empathy, and working with their school. It’s all about providing consistent support and guidance so that your child can grow into a kinder, more thoughtful person.
