Calling all parents of toddlers – we’ve got some good news. The team at Mum Central has been studying the unique breed of toddlers in the wild for quite some time now and has identified 10 different types of toddlers that walk amongst us.
Odds are you have one of them roaming around your home as we speak.
The 10 types of toddlers
1. The koala
Also known as the Stage Five Clinger, this particular breed of toddler would rather stick a fork in their eye than be pried out of your arms. Koalas are known for their claw-like grip and piercing scream when you attempt to detach them from your body. They are also especially clever at sticking to any part of your body – your leg, your arm, your neck. Doesn’t matter as long as they are firmly attached.
The best thing about koalas is that they give the greatest hugs ever. The worst? They. Will. Never. Let. You. Go. Hell, even if they are asleep, they will want to be touching you.
2. The Jack-Jack
Remember that time in The Incredibles when baby Jack-Jack didn’t get his way and turned into a ball of raging fire? ‘Nuff said.
3. The cat 5 cyclone
Cyclone toddlers have an uncanny way of demolishing everything in their path, especially five seconds after you’ve just tidied it away.
A pile of freshly folded laundry, just two minutes away from being put away? Destroyed.
A playroom full of toys finally organised? Not anymore!
A 1000-piece Jigsaw puzzle neatly packed back into the box? Try all over the floor. Perhaps a few placed in their nappy for good measure.
Nothing is too big or too small for the cyclone toddlers out there.
4. The Captain Jack Sparrow
Stumbling around, weaving from room to room, dropping shit all over the place, falling asleep in their high chair, spouting out words that only half-make sense.
Jack Sparrow toddlers don’t have a bottle of rum in their bellies but the resemblance is pretty darned close! Add in a bit of drool from those pesky molars and you’ve got a Captain on your ship.
5. The wanderer
You’ll be able to identify a wanderer in the wild by the way they can expertly scale a fence at a playground or run a 100m sprint in whatever direction their parents are not.
These free spirits are all about adventure, but not if that adventure involves any sort of boundary. Wanderers may also have a detached baby leash hanging from their back, a missing shoe and a collection of rocks in their pockets.
6. The Alex Trebeck
This toddler type was first identified by hilarious Mari from Hot Mess Supermom and it’s about as accurate as they get. Where are we going today? What colour is this? Can I mix that? What can I eat? Who is that on the television?
Little Alex will continue to throw questions at you until your head is about to spin and lock yourself in the pantry until the end of the question.
And then, of course, you’ll hear, Mummy, why are you in the pantry?
7. The night owl Alex Trebek
This type of toddler is also known for their multitude of questions, especially when the sun sets.
Unlike the traditional night owl, they don’t just sprout out ‘who’ questions. They cover all the WH words. Who is going to tuck me in? What is that sound? Where are we going tomorrow? Why is the light off? How many cows live on old Macdonald’s farm?
Your toddler. What is a pain in my ass, Alex?
8. The Jesse Spano
This is another one coined from Mari, taken from the classic Saved by the Bell episode where Jesse takes caffeine pills and turns into an energized nut job that eventually crashes and burns.
Toddlers don’t need caffeine to sprout this level of crazy though. Their parents, on the other hand…
9. The Sharpay
AKA: the Rachel Berry, the Mr G, the any character who is OTT dramatic and they know it.
SIDE NOTE: I’m currently watching the High School Musical series with my daughter so that’s why I went with Sharpay.
Anyhoo, Sharpay toddlers know they rule the roost and aren’t afraid to use their powers to demand ALL the things.
The red cup, not the blue one.
Toast cut into triangles. Not squares.
An apple that they will take one bite of and then dispose of on the floor.
Rain boots, a pasta necklace and a swimsuit to wear to the shops. And don’t even THINK about suggesting they put on a shirt.
And if you don’t adhere to their demands. Bring on the waterworks! Or watch your little drama queen transform into a little demon baby in a flash (see Jack-Jack).
10. And, finally, the Channing Tatum
Cheeky yet charming, little Channings know just when to use their charm to get their way and melt your heart.
The Channing comes out in many shapes and forms. An “I Iove you, mummy.” A cheeky grin. A goofy dance. A hilarious question. A reminder that your toddler is unique, amazing, and pretty much the cutest thing on the planet.
Every toddler has a Channing inside them. And, in true toddler spirit, they know just when to bring it out.
It’s a good thing too. Because after dealing with a Jack-Jack, Jesse Spano and Alex Trebeck all day, we could all use a little Channing Tatum.