8 Reasons Alcohol is a Bona Fide Parenting Tool

Here’s 8 tongue-in-cheek reasons why it’s perfectly fine to reach for the bottle at wine o’clock Mum…

Most of my mummy friends are partial to a wine (or insert your drink of choice here) depending on the degree of severity of the day’s atrocities.

There are studies that will give you all kinds of advice to increase your effectiveness as a parent. My friends and I have been doing our own particular “study” for almost thirteen years. With our combined years of expertise, we’ve discovered that alcohol truly is a legitimate yet unsung parenting tool. #Nojudgement. Here’s why!

8 Reasons Why Alcohol is a Bona Fide Parenting Tool

A glass of wine or two makes you feel happier: Your kids have been whinging and asking, ‘Why are you always so grumpy Mummy?’ Gee, I dunno. Maybe it’s all the nagging I do just to get you to put on your shoes and get out the door to school? But at the end of the day, with dinner still to be cooked and fighting going on all around you, that magical glass appears and abracadabra! You’re smiling. Your kids see the smile, it becomes contagious and suddenly everybody is happy. Or at least the warm glow as the lovely liquid slides down your throat make you feel that way…

Alcohol eases stress, which in turn is good for your diet: Now hear me out on this, it’s totally logical. You’re tired and stressed. It’s been a long day of picking up Lego and cleaning poop from places you really didn’t expect it to be. The kids have finally crashed (or at the very least, are staying in their bedrooms pretending to sleep.) The first thing you dive for is the hidden snacks. You know the ones… the Tim Tams hidden at the back of the freezer behind the beans no-one will ever willingly eat? If you’re anything like me, you won’t stop at just one. A glass of wine has 82 calories, a Tim Tam has 95. When you compare the size and the level of satisfaction it’s a no-brainer really… dietary win!

Alcohol increases your likelihood of socialising with friends: When you socialise with friends, their kids will entertain your kids and… phew! Five minutes of peace and grown-up conversation. Plus, socialising is good for the soul. If you ‘fill your cup first you are able to pour from it for your kids’. (Metaphorically speaking of course. Please don’t give your kids alcohol.) Having friends makes life better. And wine and friends? Well, duh.

My kids like funny mum: Alcohol makes you funnier. Simple. Being a single parent means I’m regularly just ‘bad cop’. Some days when it all gets on top of you it’s difficult to let go of the seriousness. But, it doesn’t hurt to let the silly out – and vodka is the perfect lubricant for that! They may roll their eyes at my dreadful mum jokes, but add a dash of vodka to your lime & soda and I suddenly don’t care. Fart jokes are hilarious when mixed with vodka!

Dancing: Alcohol loosens your inhibitions and will have you dancing in the kitchen with your kiddos. Who doesn’t want to learn to dab, pop, do the muzz, whip your nae nae or get your leg all stanky? Clearly, I have no bloody idea what these things actually mean, but my kids do. And apparently, it’s highly entertaining to try to teach a hippo with two left feet to do them! Spending quality time exercising and bonding with your kids? Check!

Studies show up to 5 drinks each week lowers the risk of heart failure and heart attack: (I googled it, so it must be a totally real fact!) With the popularity of pranks that scare the bejaysus out of mum on the increase in my house, I may possibly need the alcohol just to stay alive! My kids definitely need a live mummy. Heart failure averted.

Alcohol gets you talking: The kids are usually the ones who hold the floor conversationally speaking, right? Suddenly that long conversation with your 10-year-old about aliens and time travel is super interesting and you both have lots to say about it. It’s so important to keep those avenues of communication open. Thank you wine.

A glass of wine can help you to sleep better: I don’t know any parent who doesn’t want more or better sleep. Those bills that need paying? You’re not thinking about them because you’re drifting off into a nice peaceful sleep. The washing that’s been sitting in the machine for a day or two now? What washing? I’m asleep. The thing that went bump in the night? Sorry didn’t hear it, sleeeepiiiing. The five-year-old that can’t sleep because his elbow is itchy? Snuggle up son, let’s sleep!

Being a parent is hard. Nobody ever said that just because you’re a mama you have to be a saint. As Rihanna would say, cheers to the freakin’ weekend! Pass the wine. 

Side Note: I am not a qualified medical practitioner; this advice is purely meant as a giggle. I’m a mummy who doesn’t mind the odd wine, vodka or cocktail. If you have favourite parenting tool please share it in the comments. Especially if it’s an awesome cocktail recipe, we really like those. Cheers.

Avatar of Heidi Lewis

Heidi is a teacher and single mum of four who goes to gym in order to indulge her love of cheesecake. Raising kids with ADHD and Aspergers is fast, chaotic and often hilarious, but she wouldn't change a thing. Heidi recovers with good chick lit, writing and Netflix after bedtime.

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