Narcissist. It’s a word that gets thrown around a lot. Sometimes accurately, sometimes not so. Featured in many true crime documentaries, it describes someone who is entitled, lacks empathy, never takes responsibility for their actions, is charming but with a short fuse and constantly seeks praise.
Obvious narcissists are generally easy to spot when you know what you’re looking for. They can be people we’re related to, friends with, work with or date, or someone who has dated someone we know. And I know what you’re thinking. I’ve dated people like that, too.
So, what is a covert narcissist?
In psychology, behaviour can be categorised as either overt or covert. Overt behaviours are easily noticeable by others, like the behaviours exhibited by the traditional narcissist mentioned earlier. On the other hand, covert behaviours are more discreet and may not be as noticeable to those around the individual.
What causes this behaviour?
The causes of narcissism are not entirely understood. Mental health is a complex thing, and everyone’s behaviour is individual.
It has been suggested it could be caused by genetics, childhood trauma, personality and development or relationships with caregivers. Some studies suggest children raised by parents who strive for status and achievement. These kids grow up with a sense of entitlement, a feeling of superiority and the belief they are special and more valuable than others, which might persist into adulthood.
What triggers a covert narcissist instead of overt behaviour?
There isn’t one specific thing. But some things that might trigger this behaviour are jealousy, body or appearance insecurity, being around people with higher status, feeling ignored, feeling out of control, or not getting the attention they think they deserve.
How does a covert narcissist act?
The most common behaviours of a covert narcissist are:
- Altruism: When you go out of your way to do good things for other people, from small acts of charity to donating your time and money toward a cause you believe in or fiercely defending others who can’t protect themselves, it can be a good thing. But when you do it for praise and attention – those viral videos of people doing acts of service and videoing them for likes and shares, for example – it can be a sign of covert narcissism.
- Hypersensitivity: They may be more susceptible to criticism or perceived slights. They might react defensively or with passive-aggressiveness. For example, if someone suggests a more efficient way of completing a task, the narcissist may perceive it as a personal attack on their competence, leading to a defensive response or even sulking.
- Victim mentality: They often see themselves as victims and may use self-pity to gain sympathy from others. This can be a manipulative tactic. For example, suppose someone faces a setback at work. Instead of reflecting on their actions or taking responsibility, a covert narcissist might exaggerate the challenges they faced, seeking sympathy from others and subtly implying that they were unfairly treated, diverting attention away from any personal shortcomings.
- Grandiosity in private: While they may not display grandiosity in public, covert narcissists can still harbour grandiose fantasies or a sense of superiority in private. For example, they might tell a tale about going fishing and the reeling in of the fish is portrayed as a ‘David and Goliath’ struggle with the fish getting bigger each time. Whereas in public, they often downplay it closer to the truth.
- Lack of empathy: Despite appearing sensitive, they may lack genuine compassion for others. Their concern for others may be more about how it affects them rather than a true understanding of others’ feelings. For example, a friend opens up about a difficult experience, such as a personal loss or a challenging situation. A covert narcissist may offer surface-level empathy, saying the right things, but their responses lack genuine emotional connection. Their concern may be more focused on how they appear to others or how the situation affects them rather than genuinely understanding and empathising with their friend’s feelings.
- Manipulative behaviour: Covert narcissists may engage in subtle manipulation to get what they want. This can include emotional manipulation, guilt-tripping, or playing the victim. For example, Let’s say a covert narcissist wants a favour from a friend. Instead of asking for help, they might express how overwhelmed and stressed they are, subtly implying that the friend would be a bad person if they didn’t help. By playing on the friend’s emotions and sense of guilt, the covert narcissist seeks to achieve their goal without directly asking for it.
- Passive-aggressive behaviour: This behaviour is typically motivated by two primary factors. Firstly, it stems from a profound conviction that their perceived “specialness” grants them entitlement to fulfil their desires. Alternatively, it may be driven by a desire to retaliate against individuals who have wronged them or achieved greater success. Passive-aggressive behaviour encompasses various actions, such as undermining someone’s work or relationships, making teasing or mocking remarks disguised as jokes, employing the silent treatment, subtly shifting blame to make others feel uneasy or question the truth of events, and procrastinating on tasks they deem beneath their capabilities.
How do you deal with a covert narcissist?
Recognise the pattern
- Educate yourself: Learn about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and its variations, including covert narcissism. Resources such as books, articles, and reputable websites can provide valuable insights.
- Familiarise yourself with common traits of covert narcissists, such as a sense of entitlement, lack of empathy, and an underlying need for admiration.
- Reflect on experiences: Take time to analyse specific incidents and patterns of behaviour within the relationship. Consider instances where the covert narcissist may have exploited your emotions, manipulated situations, or undermined your self-esteem.
- Recognise the emotional toll of the relationship, including feelings of confusion, self-doubt, and a potential sense of isolation.
Set boundaries
- Clearly communicate boundaries: Use assertive communication to express what behaviours are unacceptable and how they impact you emotionally.
- Be prepared for potential resistance or attempts to violate boundaries. Stay firm in your convictions and reinforce the consequences for crossing those boundaries.
- Limit contact: This could involve establishing periods of no contact to create space for emotional healing, limiting time together or ending the relationship entirely.
- Consider implementing strategies to disengage from manipulative conversations or situations, protecting your emotional well-being.
Seek support
- Talk to friends and family: Share your feelings, thoughts, and concerns to receive validation and support.
- Be receptive to feedback from those who care about you. They may offer valuable perspectives and observations that can contribute to your understanding.
- Consider therapy: A therapist can help you process the impact of the relationship, identify coping strategies, and work towards rebuilding your self-esteem.
Focus on self-care
- Prioritise health: Pay attention to your physical well-being by maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Regular exercise, a balanced diet, and sufficient sleep contribute to overall well-being.
- Address any health concerns or stress-related symptoms through consultation with healthcare professionals.
- Mindfulness and relaxation: Meditation, journalling, deep breathing exercises, or yoga can help manage stress and promote emotional resilience.
- Engage in activities that bring joy and relaxation, fostering positive emotions.
Therapy
- Individual therapy: Collaborate with a therapist to explore the dynamics of the relationship, gain insights into your own emotional responses, and develop strategies for moving forward.
- Therapy can provide a safe space to express and process complex emotions, fostering healing and personal growth.
- Cognitive-behavioural strategies: Work with a therapist to identify and challenge negative thought patterns that may have developed during the relationship. Replace these with healthier perspectives and coping mechanisms. Develop strategies for managing anxiety, self-doubt, or any lingering effects of the relationship.
- Trauma-informed approaches: If the relationship involves significant emotional trauma, consider a trauma-informed therapeutic approach. This can address the impact of narcissistic dynamics on your mental and emotional well-being.
- Collaborate with a therapist to develop coping mechanisms tailored explicitly to trauma recovery.
Recovering from a relationship with a covert narcissist is a long journey. Because they often fly under the radar, you could be in a relationship for years before you realise what’s going on.  It wasn’t until I was out of my last relationship that things started adding up for me. We were together for 16 years. Mental health and toxic relationships are passions of mine, and I still didn’t catch the signs. It’s been two years, and I’m still working through the feelings he built in me and letting go of it all.
Don’t rush yourself; seek professional help to get through it.
If you or someone you know is struggling, please contact Lifeline at 13 11 14 or visit their website.
