It happens every day. After days, weeks, months or even years of domestic abuse and toxicity, you realise you just can’t do it anymore. And you shouldn’t have to. Here’s your step-by-step guide on how to leave an abusive relationship.
Every day couples break up and you’d be surprised how often it is due to domestic abuse. Emotional abuse. Physical violence. Whatever the case, no one deserves any of it, even though it is going on behind closed doors more often than most would think.
The question of how to leave an abusive relationship is one that many parents have had. It’s a hard one to answer, especially if you are tied to the person financially. You’ve got a joint bank account and the other person will clearly know if you try to take money out of it.
You have kids together. Can you just take the kids and run or is this against the law?
You may own a house or rent a house together. What happens if you leave the house? Does it become the other person’s property or problem now?
We came across a really informative post in a Facebook group, shared by an anonymous member, that addresses all of these concerns and more. This go-to guide on how to leave an abusive relationship may be the checklist you need if you are ready to walk away and never look back.
Remember, help is available too. We will share some important links and websites at the bottom.
PLEASE NOTE: This advice is specific to how to leave an abusive relationship. If there isn’t abuse in your relationship but you want to split amicably, please have a look at our How to Leave an Unhappy Marriage.
How to leave an abusive relationship
Banking:
- Open a new bank account with a new bank, ensure that statements are online only and to a new email address that isn’t linked to your phone.
- Pick up the card from the bank and hide it well. Amongst the abusers, things are usually safe, as they won’t go looking there. Otherwise under the sole insert in a shoe, unused board game, at work, there are many places. But if you live with an abuser, I am sure you have a good hiding spot already.
- Do not download the banking app to your phone!
Saving up:
Start putting what you can into that account. Any birthday money from friends or family, an unnoticeable amount from your wage (talk to work/Centrelink), don’t transfer to this account yourself. And any change you find around the house – a 600ml bottle of Coke full of 2 dollar coins will save $1000 (but make sure you hide it well).
- CBA (Commonwealth Bank) will give you money to escape DV, but only if you are a customer. If you are not already, set up your account there.
- If you have debit/credit cards, report them stolen so the abuser can’t access them once new numbers are provided.
- Finances to rely on are a must to ensure you don’t break and run back to fake promises.
Phone:
Buy a cheap phone for under $50 and a spare SIM card, set that up, and hide it, fully charged. You will need this when you turn your main one off to ensure he can’t contact or track you.
Possessions:
- Start sending important things that won’t be noticed missing to loved ones, work or storage. Things like photos, jewellery, ID, passport etc and not all at once, this is over time.
- For any clothes you can’t carry in a bag, but you want to keep. Do a “clean out”, say you are donating them and get them somewhere safe.
- If you can, start selling things worth value that you don’t need and will not be noticed as missing, put that money in your new account.
Work:
- If you work, tell your boss what is happening so that they can be understanding when the time comes, and also so the abuser can’t sweet talk information out of your colleagues.
- Some workplaces provide DV leave, or you could take it under compassionate leave.
- If you work for a corporation, ask for a transfer.
- If not, have your working hours randomised for a while to ensure you don’t have a continuous or steady work schedule.
Centrelink:
Let Centrelink know of your plans and fill out any necessary paperwork required for your future change of circumstances. There is an option to file for separation without having to have the other party sign it.
If you are moving to single-parent payments, get the ball rolling as it can take a few weeks to finalise on their end. And make sure all correspondence is sent to your new secret email address.
Family and friends:
You may have lost some by this point, but that doesn’t mean that they won’t try and help you. Reach out. Help is necessary, especially if kids are involved.
Housing:
- If you are currently on a lease, talk to the agent privately as they can help you get off it.
- Start looking for somewhere once you know you are almost ready, the first agent may be able to help with this.
- Find donation groups to help you set up. If you put it out to Facebook, have someone else act for you, otherwise, it will be an easy way for the abuser to track you.
- Talk to churches, salvos, and anyone who helps in this instance. If you have children, you will be fast-tracked.
- Move in with family or friends.
- Talk to a women’s refuge if the above options won’t work.
Police:
Let the police know of your plan in case something goes wrong. They can also help you get the remainder of your things at a later date. Also, file for a DVO but don’t have it put in place until you are out and safe.
Kids:
- If you have kids, you either take them with you at the time or have someone you trust to do it.
- If they are at school, you need to let the school know in advance so that the abuser can’t collect them from there, ever.
- You also need to get them out of that school early and not keep to your normal routine.
- Change schools if you need to.
- This advice includes preschool
Animals:
If you have pets talk to your local RSPCA or Re homing group as they will find a free foster carer to care for your animals until you are settled.
Planning your escape date:
Find a day that the abuser will be away for a few hours. Be nice leading up to the event, plan the weekend, dinner etc. This will keep the abuser’s paranoia low, they will think they have you right where they want you.
Packing:
- Don’t pack unnecessary crap!
- You don’t need more than one brush, you don’t need your toiletries – they can all be replaced.
- ESSENTIALS ONLY! Bags are heavy.
- You want to be hours ahead before the abuser realises what’s happened.
Leaving:
By now you should have money in your accounts and a new phone. Your kids and pets are organised, your irreplaceable belongings should be safe elsewhere, and you should know exactly where you are headed once you close the door on this chapter of your life.
Once you are out;
- Change all Internet banking passwords
- Change all social passwords
- Change all the email addresses linked to your social accounts to the secret one you set up
- Change PayPal passwords etc
- Block on all social media
- Block the abuser’s number
- Turn that phone off and turn on the spare phone
- Contact anyone you need to from the new phone and keep your number private
- Change your name on social media along with your profile picture (something generic)
- Block anyone who is friends with both of you
- Get a PO Box and get your mail redirected
The abuser is the most dangerous when they realise they have lost control of their possession (you).
Changing all of your social media settings and names is a must, as it is too easy to find anyone these days. If the abuser still finds you, close down all accounts (even temporarily), and you can start fresh ones.
The abuser will try anything and everything, even suicide threats to get your attention. Do not fall for the games as the abuser is just craving any information on your whereabouts to feel like they are gaining some control back.
It is vital that you cease all contact until you are strong enough to not believe the bullshit that the abuser will use to lure you back. And you know it is bullshit, do not sprinkle glitter on your feelings. You are worth more than that!
Where to get help
- Respect – 1 800 RESPECT
- CWES Money Clinics – 1800 730 031
- Full Stop Australia – 1800 385 578
- Have a look at Financial Safety for a full list of help in your specific area.
