How to Leave an Unhappy Marriage

Three years ago I made a decision. After years of unhappiness and counselling, it was time to accept that my marriage was broken.

It was time to start again as a separated, single mum.

Like anyone who has been in this situation (or is thinking about it) knows, the decision to break up a family is one of the hardest decisions you can ever make. We don’t choose to have children with someone with the intention of our family breaking down.

No one wants this.

I certainly didn’t. I never signed up to be a single mum, to share custody of my two amazing kids with an ex-husband, to sell our family house, to let a lawyer decide how much money I was ‘worth’, to start over at 30. But it happens.

And it’s scary AF. Who do you call? What happens if he makes most (or all) of the money? Who’s going to rent a house to a single mum? How do I do this without causing any more pain?

No one can tell you if separation is the right thing for your situation. You may not know this yourself. But, if you are looking to leave an unhappy marriage, this step-by-step guide will hopefully make the process as stress-free as possible for everyone involved. 

The essential guide to leaving an unhappy marriage

1. Visit Centrelink

Do it on a day when you have nothing urgent on because it might take a while. You will need to fill in some paperwork and have all your personal details ready, especially income reports. You can do this online or in person.

The forms you need to fill out and hand over are either:

  • Separation detail form – This form lets Centrelink know you’ve separated.
  • Separated under one roof – If you and your spouse still live together at this stage, then you will fill this form out instead. Your partner needs to fill one out too which can be difficult if he’s not quite ready to accept the marriage is ending. If you can’t get him to fill one out, tell Centrelink and they will make arrangements.

Once the forms are filed, you will receive various payments from Centrelink depending on the age of your kids and your current income. These may include:

  • Single parenting payment – to assist with your day to day costs
  • Rent assistance – to help with rent
  • Health care concession – to reduce electricity costs, school fees and medical fees.

Even if you don’t work at all, you will be given enough to provide for your family. If you do work, the payment can supplement your income, up to a certain amount.

2. Sort out child support

Not everyone receives child support but while you’re at Centrelink, it’s a good idea to look into Child Support as well. You can do so at the Centrelink office.

There are a number of forms to fill out but after you’ve got everything set up, it can be pretty straightforward.

The Child Support agency can take over ensuring your ex-spouse pays the amount so you don’t have to worry about that. However, keep in mind that not all partners pay child support – it depends on income and custody. Again, this is all sorted through Centrelink.

3. Contact Legal Aid

Many of us worry about the cost of a lawyer and rightfully so. But you will need legal guidance, even if it’s just to look over the details. You can hire a family lawyer or you can contact Legal Aid in your state and have a lawyer assigned to you. This can be at a reduced fee or no cost depending on your situation.

Here are the numbers to call:

  • Australian Capital Territory – 1300 654 314
  • New South Wales – 1300 888 529
  • Queensland – 1300 651 188
  • Northern Territory – 1800 029 343
  • South Australia – 1300 366 424
  • Tasmania – 1300 366 611
  • Victoria – 1300 792 387
  • Western Australia- 1300 650 579

4. Look into rental options

It can be a bit tricky to find a place to live when you don’t have a steady income. But this is why Centrelink offers rent assistance. When applying for rental places, you will need to let them know how much you are receiving from Centrelink as this counts as your income.

There are also private rental companies that can help you find accomodation during this time.

5. Sort out the little details

As Centrelink starts to kick in and you become accustomed to the new routine, it’s time to sort out those little details. Here’s a few things you need to update:

  • Redirect your mail to the new address
  • Update your Medicare card, driver’s license, insurance and vehicle registration
  • Change/open new accounts for your credit cards and bank accounts
  • Tell your child’s school, kinder or daycare centre

6. Decide on a custody plan

For me, this was by far the hardest step in the process even though we managed to avoid the courts completely. Prepare for an emotionally draining experience and have wine, chocolate and a box of tissues waiting for when you get home.

Remember, no matter what your situation, it’s what’s in the best interest of the children that matters. Every. Single. Time. 

To decide on a parenting plan/custody agreement/visitation rights you have three main options:

  • Without intervention – If you and your partner are able to come to an agreement without legal guidance, then go for it. But just be sure you have written proof of your agreement.
  • Mediation – If you want to avoid the fees involved with lawyers, then mediation is the way to go. This involves sitting down with a mediator and discussing all the ins and outs of the parenting plan, including drop off times, holiday plans, etc. It is much cheaper than using a lawyer but you will need to both agree to the consent orders which doesn’t always happen.
  • Legal assistance – If you and your partner can’t agree, you will need a lawyer to represent you. Hopefully your lawyer and his lawyer can sit down and come to an agreement. But if not, it will go to court.

7. Split the assets

When splitting your assets, you will also need legal guidance, either through a lawyer or Legal Aid. The process will most likely be similar to the last bullet point above but hopefully you can come to an agreement without going to court.

How much each party receives depends on so many factors that it’s impossible to really give anyone a head’s up on what’s to come. Your lawyer will explain what you’re entitled to.

8. File for divorce

You will need to be officially separated for 12 months before you can file for divorce. During this time, you can still go ahead with all other divorce proceedings including custody and division of assets.

To file the divorce, you will need to go through the Family Law Court of Australia. If you and your spouse agree and have everything else sorted, the fee is $900 and the form is super straightforward. If you have a concession card, the fee is reduced to $300.

Moving on from separation 

Please, to all the mums out there reading this, thinking about leaving, don’t blame yourself. Please don’t let the guilt consume you. Yes, it sucks, but sometimes it’s better to walk away than stay in a toxic or unhappy situation. Even if it’s hard to see that now.

Not all relationships work out, even if there are kids involved. This doesn’t mean you’ve failed or that you’ve broken up your family. It means you’ve made the decision to give your kids two happy households rather than one unhappy one.

In time, the new situation will become your normal, even if it isn’t what you ever expected. But I promise you, it will get better.

Stay strong mummas. You’ve got this. xxxx

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1 Comment

  1. Avatar of Bec.

    I understand some people aren’t going to like this, but I think the first step should be to do everything in your power to try and make your marriage work. Obviously there are times when a divorce is the only safe option, but It seems to be almost fashionable these days to divorce your partner simply because you are unhappy, but somehow forgot to mention that to your partner for the last 2 years while your resentment grew.

    If it’s safe to stay, start by fighting like crazy to keep your family together. People CAN change, and wilted love CAN regrow. Start by loving your partner even when you don’t feel like it, when it takes all your energy, see a GOOD counselor and bloody well talk to your partner how you feel and what you need… and maybe you’ll remember why you first fell in love and be able to reignite that spark. Don’t believe the lie that people don’t change.

    Sure, you might be able to find happiness through divorce, but the life-long damage is can potentially cause to you, your children, and the person you vowed to love for better or worse is something to consider, especially since the kids you brought into the world relying on you to give them the best start in life possible – plus if there’s a chance of rekindling a potentially beautiful marriage, it can’t hurt to give it a real good shot.

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