Horoscopes. Love them? Loathe them? Live by them? Leave them alone? Whatever the case, this is the ONLY horoscope 2022 you need to read all year.
That’s right – we’ve consulted with our resident astrologer to determine what’s in store for you, based on your zodiac sign.
Will your year be filled with job opportunities and career wins? Will you finally buy that dream home? Will you be lucky in love?
We actually have no idea. But here’s what we predict will happen to you on the parenting front. Gird you loins, ladies and gents, and keep in mind that our horoscope 2022 predictions are meant to just be a bit of fun. *See disclaimer below (that goes double for you, Karens).
Aquarius: (January 20 – February 18)
This year brings a lot of conflicts, mostly from the tiny versions of yourself that you have spawned. Be prepared to clean up a lot of mashed playdoh from the floor and mutter FFS under your breath often.
As for money, you don’t have any. And the money you have will be spent on RAT tests and Encanto merchandise. Good times ahead.
Pisces: (February 19 to March 20)
For all the fish mums out there, we’d love to tell you a holiday to the ocean is in the stars but we’d be lying. We’re guessing the only water you’ll be seeing is the dirty dishwater after dinner, rain at school pickup, and possibly plenty of pee puddles if you’re planning to toilet train this year.
Your love life is looking… actually it’s not looking like anything because those tiny bed-thieving cock blockers won’t stay in their own damned beds.
Aries: (March 21 to April 19)
2022 is a good year for Aries’ mums. No, you won’t win the lottery but you may get a few hours to yourself for a hair dye. We predict sometime in June. That’s it. That’s all you’re gonna get.
The stars are also aligned for new relationships this year so we suggest you pack a flask to the nearest playground and see what like-minded mums it attracts.
Taurus (April 20 to May 20)
Stubborn bull-headed Taurus, we’ve got some shit news for you – you kids are going to be extra turdy this year. We predict you’ll be washing texters off walls and hiding in the toilet pretending to poop but really eating chocolate and counting down the minutes until bedtime.
You won’t have a lot of ‘me’ time this year but the free time you do have, you will most likely waste playing Wordle. Play wisely.
Gemini: (May 21 to June 20)
Let’s be honest Geminis. Every year is a complete sh*t-show in the parenting world and this one won’t be any different. Embrace the hot mess that is your life and stop trying to find socks that match. It’s just not gonna happen.
On the career front, you can expect another year of working from home and Zoom meetings where you blow on your mug of wine to trick your co-workers into thinking it’s hot tea.
Cancer: (June 21 to July 22)
This year you crave to ditch the chaos and reorganise your life. You’ll spend three full days cleaning and then watch your children destroy the house in 17 seconds. This will cure you from ever trying to clean again.
The love planet Venus is crossing your path this year which means your husband will probably want to bone in the shower while the kids watch Blippi in the other room. Embrace the romance.
Leo: (July 23 to August 22)
There’s a lot of buzzing in your life this year as you navigate your career, children and challenges, such as explaining why there are other kids are at the playground when you’ve told your own children that the “park is closed”.
The good news for all Leo parents is that this month brings positivity in personal growth which either means you will finally get fit or you will grow a pair of balls and tell the toxic weirdos in your life to piss off. We’re kind of hoping it’s the latter.
Virgo: The Attachment Mum (August 23 to September 22)
Oh, earthy Virgo… 2022 is about to hit you hard. You will spend the majority of this year wiping toothpaste gunk off the bathroom mirrors and repeatedly asking your kids if they took your phone charger. Which they did.
Money growth is slow but that’s because your children don’t stop demanding snacks and outgrowing their school shoes. Plus your addiction to indoor plants doesn’t help.
Libra: (September 23 to October 22)
Hey Libras, exciting news! We see a new arrival in your future. Possibly a baby. Possibly a pet. Possibly an ant colony following the trail of dried crusty food your children threw on the floor.
The planet Mars is also in your corner this month. Oh wait, that’s not Mars. That’s just a pile of your kids’ laundry that needs folding. Sorry ’bout that.
Scorpio: (October 23 to November 21)
2022 brings new ambitions and new beginnings for the Scorpians. It’s a good year to tackle a new project and then realise halfway that tackling any sort of project with kids is ridiculously hard.
With new ambitions on the backburner, use your creative energy to solve some of the world’s most complex riddles, such as what the colour blue smells like.
Sagittarius: (November 22 to December 21)
Sagitarrius mums are known for their smarts and in 2022 you will really shine by offering tons of helpful knowledge to your children as they embark on another year of growth and learning. Unfortunately, your children will be too busy ignoring you and complaining about having to “set the table again” to listen.
On the relationship front, this year your husband will unload the dishwasher on his own a grand total of two times and expect a trophy in return. So that’s something to look forward to.
Capricorn: (December 22 to January 19)
And, finally, Capricorns, we predict your year will go off without a hitch. Haha, just kidding.
It’s gonna be an absolute mess because #kids. Prepare to be asked to “wipe my bum” on a daily basis and find the missing television remote the kids lost back in 2019.
We do see a shiny beacon of light at the end of the year. Oh, no, wait. That’s just your Christmas Tree that you put up two months early because you’re so done with 2022.
Bring on 2023!
What to read next
- The Best Dog Breed for You, Based on Your Zodiac Sign (Scarily Accurate Too!)
- Parenting Styles: What Type of Mum Are You, According to Your Star Sign
- 100+ Zodiac Baby Names Based on Astrology Signs
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*Note: This post isn’t meant to be taken seriously. Our resident astrologer actually has no idea what’s going to happen to you this year or how to read the stars but she had a lot of fun making it all up.