Valentine’s Day: Preventing Suburban Massacre

If you’re dreaming of sexy knickers, huge bouquets and romantic meals there’s only one chance of that happening. Tell your goddamn husband!

It’s the only way to avoid a bloody scene this year…

Remember when we were young and Valentine’s Day was all about romance, dates, surprise flowers at work to make you the envy of all your friends, the celebrations that included lacy knickers and some heavy breathing…?

Or were you like me and yeah, that’s what you were hoping it would be like but those flowers never came and you’d never fit your backside into anything lacy without them then flossing yourself. But you still dreamed it all the same, as it would one day be your Valentine’s Day and all these dreams would come true.

And then you look your kids and the housework and the “adulating” and just beg for those bygone days where, even if you weren’t getting the flowers and the heavy breathing, you still at least had a chance it might happen. You then think – why look back as if you’re chance for the ultimate Valentine’s Day is the thing of the past. You’re still awesome, you can still get flowers – as long as you keep them away from the kids and pets – lacy knickers might be out, but a swanky new dress, some spanks and a date night with hubby could still work.

This year could be your year – you could own Valentine’s Day!

And so you prepare. You map out every little detail as this day dream of the most romantic, pampered day unfolds into the only thing that keeps you happy while changing that nappy. You think up what you will do, what he will say, how you will have lost all that baby weight and your husband will have somehow morphed a little more into Hugh Jackman and a lot more away from Homer Simpson. It will happen. It is going to rock!

Now, here’s a word of advice for those wanting these dreams to come true… Tell your Husband. No, better yet, write it all down for him so he has it to refer back to – make copies so he can’t lose them. You might want to leave out the Hugh vs Homer part, but be specific. State in clear English your plans: the date night, the flowers, the gifts. Leave him post it notes to ensure it happens the right way.

Because ladies, if you don’t, it isn’t going to end well. Oh, don’t get me wrong! There are some partners who will try. They will think their perfect idea of romance and flowers is exactly what you want. They will be ever so proud of themselves until the very moment they present it all to you and see your look of horror and disappointment. You know this will scar them for life and they won’t try it again, ever! So avoid it – spell it out to them!

I’m not saying you need to book the dinner reservations, order your own flowers and pick up your own chocolate. Oh no! Put them on his list! He can do it, but you will need to spell it out to him. Get him to find the babysitter, maybe suggest surprise gifts like a house cleaner for a week, or a weekend staycation for just the two of you.

Make him do the work, but throw him a bone and let him know! They are not psychic, they can’t see into your daydreams. And so if you want that champagne roses, Asiatic lilies and baby’s breath bouquet big enough to hide where the kid’s scratched their names into the table top – tell him.

Remind him this is not you nagging. This is not you controlling his life. This is you ensuring he lives to see another Valentine’s Day, rather than be shot down in a re-enactment of the massacre.

Avatar of Janis Hill

I'm a sarcastic and funny work from home mum to three gorgeous children, lovingly referred to as the ‘Demonic Hordes’ – all on the spectrum so never a dull moment. I'm an author and those are just the things that happen when I spend too much time in front of my laptop. I also write freelance articles for others, review (books, places, people and household items) and am loving all my new kitchen appliances that job brings me. Also a student studying a degree in Internet Communications to help with my work online as well as help promote all the local business I love. When not doing any of the above I love to cook, make and bake, garden, knit (includes ripping up clothes to knit them into new things) and read.

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