“Have a baby!” they said. “Babies are lovely!” they said.
The baby lifestyle is sold to us as a precious time in which we bond with a snuggly, sleepy little human who asks for little more than a belly full of milk, a SIDs-safe crib and a clean, dry nappy.
Well, we think the eat-poop-sleep stereotype has been played out long enough! Anyone who has had a baby knows that babies are anything but squishy little immobile blobs. From the moment they gleefully release the entire contents of their bladder all over you during that first nappy change in the hospital, babies let their cheeky streaks shine. Here are some
gross classic things babies do that are sure to keep every sleep-deprived mum or dad on their toes…
1. The Spew Bath
Bub is happily rolling around on the floor, so you lift your tepid teacup to your lips and take an indulgent sip. No sooner do you place the cup down on the table than you look back and realise that he has spewed all over the playmat and is now happily rubbing his chunky little arms and face in it.
2. The Public Poonami
“We’ll just pop out for some milk and bread,” you feebly tell yourself, naively still believing that a quick trip to the shops is achievable with a baby in tow. It seems to be going well too; milk and bread are in the basket, along with chocolate, because #mumlife. You line up at the check-out, your purchases are about to be rung up, and that’s when it happens. A tidal wave of poo shoots forth, covering your baby, his adorable pastel yellow onesie, the pram, your designer nappy bag. You swear a splash of it has even landed in your shoe. And the half-pack of wet wipes you left the house with just isn’t going to cut it. You just got baby punk’d big time.
3. The All-Nighter
Those early days when babies can’t tell the difference between day and night are just super. Midnight to about 4am becomes party hour, and what baby doesn’t love a good party?
4. The All-Dayer
Sure, bub has finally settled into somewhat of a nap routine for the last couple of weeks, but isn’t it her job to keep you guessing? “Hold meeeeeee!” she seems to wail every time you’re sure she’s fallen asleep and you can finally put her down and give your tired arms a break. And suddenly it’s 4pm and all you’ve done today is hold a baby and eat a bowl of Cheerios with one hand.
5. The Second Coming
It’s time to change a poo filled nappy. You’ve waited out the obligatory grunting session, plus an extra 10-minute safety bracket, and it seems that bub has finally completed his bowel movement. Satisfied, you deal with your most glamorous job as a parent and get him all cleaned up. Moments after sinking back onto the couch with him, that formidable rumble begins again, because frankly, the clean slate really enhances the pooping experience. Another clean nappy wasted.
6. The Glory Fart
Bub has just had a bath and you’re wrapping her naked, wet little body in a fluffy towel, and she rips an epic fart right in your still-wet hand. That’s the sound of glory right there.
7. The Bath Poop
There are two types of parents: those who have experienced the bath poop, and those who haven’t. Yet. They will though. Oh, they will.
8. The “You Can’t Get Anything Right!”
Baby has been hungrily feeding away and is slowing down. Finally, she loses interest, pushing your boob (or bottle) out of her face with a frustrated shove. Now she’s squawking angrily; what does she want? You offer the dummy. Nope. Favourite teddy. Nope. Maybe she’s hot; unwrap the blanket. Nope. New position. Nope. Rattle. Nope. Tummy time. Nope. Short of raising her skyward and doing a rain dance, you are out of options. The screams are getting louder. And then, in a moment of sheer brilliance, you offer the bottle/boob again. Wham. As she sucks away, she gives you a disdainful look that clearly screams “Was it really that hard, mate!?”
9. The Full Tummy Conundrum
(Often immediately following the “you can’t get anything right!”) You’re a little shocked by bub’s epic feed considering how tiny her tummy is, but you go with it. “Must be a growth spurt” you shrug, moments before you hear her utter the tell-tale burp/choke combo. Suddenly, the entire lot of it is now all over her, you, your couch, your phone and the carpet. Whether it was a marathon breastfeed, a bottle of painstakingly pumped breast milk or expensive formula, this one really stings the soul.
10. The Midnight Poo
(Is it just us, or do a lot of these things new babies do revolve around poo?) The midnight feed has gone well and your little one has settled perfectly back to sleep. You soak in a precious newborn snuggle in the dark, the kind that you dreamed about when you found out you were pregnant, then get up to put her- and yourself- back to bed. And then… poo. Your sleeping angel has filled her nappy. Changing her will wake her and make her cranky. Not changing her will wake her in an hour or so and make her cranky. With the midnight poo, there are no winners.
When it comes to parenting, we’ve just got to roll with the punches and admit that babies are really just tiny, borderline mean bosses. They own us and control everything we do. But at least they’re super adorable while they’re doing it.
While you’re pondering that, take a look at our previous article about things that will shock you now you’re a mum.