What NOT to Put into Your Vagina: 2017’s Greatest Vagina Fails

2017: The year of the vagina.

And inserting large household items, glittery goo and wasp nests into them, apparently.

As we start a new year, it’s time to reflect on the weirdness that was 2017. One of the world’s top obsessions, apart from the Kardashian pregnancies theories, was the va-jay-jay.

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Vaginas: Not just for birthing babies

You can wear vaginas on your nails, thanks to vagina nail art. You can hang vaginas around your neck, thanks to vagina necklaces.

And you can insert a whole bunch of things into them.

But, there are also a whole lotta things that don’t belong up in there. And, amazingly enough, the US Consumer Product Safety Commission made a list of these items.

Vagina no-nos

Behold, the official list of weird things found in vaginas in 2017.

  • Scented soap
  • Candlestick
  • Deodorant cap
  • Clay
  • A phone and money (Um, ladies, it’s not a pocket…)
  • Bottle cap
  • Penis ring with spikes on
  • Toy wand
  • A lollipop
  • Silicon balls
  • A ball (Tennis ball? Baseball? Basketball? We don’t want to know…)
  • Bike reflector
  • A sponge
  • Hot towel
  • Headphones

Glitter, eggs and cucumber peels: More things your vagina doesn’t need

Oh, but it gets better. Because 2017 also brought us a whole bunch of products designed to revamp the vag. You know, like a cucumber peeling scrub, a vulva lightening cream and vaginal glitter to get the pants-down party started.

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‘Vaginas don’t need glitter. They ARE the party.’

One very witty doctor, Jen Gunter, added a few more to the official list of items not to put up your vag, even if society suggests it’s perfectly okay to do so:

1. Vaginal cucumber scrub

This scrub provides an uplifting face lift, but for your vagina. But, as Jen warns, it’s also dangerous. And stupid.

what not to put in your vagina

A healthy vaginal should smell like a healthy vagina not a cucumber. If you find the idea of a vegetable in or around your vagina intriguing they do make vibrators…”

2. Vaginal glitter

Sparkly, magical and messy AF. It’s the pants-down party your vagina never asked for.

vagina glitter

As Jen so eloquently reminds us, “Vaginas don’t need glitter. They ARE the party.”

3. Jade eggs

Yes, they are shiny, round and ball like. But that doesn’t mean you HAVE to insert them inside you. Although some claim that Jade eggs can help improve your pelvic floor muscles AND bring magical powers to your nether regions, Jen is calling BS on both.

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4. Scandinavian vaginal highlighter

Basically a product aimed to ‘lighten’ the vulva. As Jen suggest, Stay clear. Your vulva is perfect as is.” Thanks, Jen.

things not to put in your vagina

5. Vicks VapoRub

“Ah, that special blend of camphor, eucalyptus oil, menthol, cedarleaf oil, nutmeg oil, petrolatum, thymol and turpentine oil.”

don't put Vicks Vaporub in your vagina

Great for colds. Bloody terrible for vaginas.

6. Wasp nests

Wasp nests: Good for baby wasps. Not for vaginas.

“These are balls of bark, wasp excreta, and wasp saliva that once nurtured wasp larvae,” Jen explains.”Someone on GYNO Etsy wants you to grind them up and put them in your vagina.”

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Um, no thanks.

Sorry 2017, but you can take your crazy vag trends and keep them. Oh and these other trends from 2017 can also kindly get stuffed too…

Looking to make 2018 less about the vagina and more about you? Have a look at these New Years resolutions for mums who like to drink, swear and yell at those stupid self-checkouts. 

Avatar of Jenna Galley

Born and raised in Canada, Jenna now lives in Far North Queensland with her tribe. When the mum-of-three is not writing, you can find her floating in the pool, watching princess movies, frolicking on the beach, bouncing her baby to sleep or nagging her older kids to put on their pants.

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