“New Year, New You”, my ass.
Sorry, but this year I’m skipping the “eat right, get fit, lose weight” resolutions and sticking to promises I can actually keep.
Ahh, 2018. This year is going to be a good one. I can feel it. It’s gonna be a year of productiveness and personal growth.
Maybe not. But it is going to be a good year because I’m giving the flick to all the annoying pressures I usually put on myself every January (and then abandon by February).
This year, I promise to set realistic resolutions that won’t make me feel like a failure by the end of the month. This year, I promise myself I will:
1. Say no to stupid school bake sales
Hey school admins, I can’t bake. So please stop asking me to showcase my super-shit baking skills for the entire school to see.
If my child brings home a paper plate with a note asking to fill it for the bake sale, I resolve to throw it in the bin without a second thought. Or, if I am in a good mood, I resolve to fill it with store-bought shortbread.
2. Bribe my kids with chocolate to clean my car every month
Yes, a normal person’s New Year’s resolution may be something along the lines of “Keep my car cleaner”. Which is what I am resolving to do. I’m just getting the kids to do it for me.
Of course, I’ll need to stock up on my chocolate stash in order to fulfil the above resolution. I suppose I could just eat less, but that seems a little silly.
3. Come up with some better excuses as why mummy can’t play dolls for the 8 billionth time today
I’m thinking, “If mummy plays dolls too often, she will turn into one. Then who will cook you dinner?”
4. Stop dropping the kids off at school late and having to pick up a late slip from the office
New plan: Send the kids in to grab the late slips themselves.
5. Drink less white wine
Less white. More red. Change is always nice.
6. Yell less at inanimate objects around the house
Like the vacuum cleaner and its snarky way of getting stuck every time I round a corner.
And the washing machine and its godawful beeping and EFO message. Seriously, go stuff your EFO error message and wash my clothes, dammit.
This year, I promise I will stop taking my anger out on these items. Because I will buy a brand new vacuum and washing machine that don’t have attitude problems.
7. Ditch the mum guilt
There’s always going to be mums that look like they have it all together, who go above and beyond and who actually remember to brush their hair every morning. I’ve never been one of those mums.
But this year, I’m going to stop caring. Instead, I resolve to focus this care energy on something more productive – like teaching my kids how to vacuum.
8. Learn how to swear in a new language
That way I can still swear at slow drivers and self-checkouts without the kids knowing what I’m saying (and repeating them at the most inappropriate times).
MY BAG IS IN THE BAGGING AREA YOU PIECE OF SCHEISSE. NOW KINDLY CASSE-TOI!
9. Incorporate “time outs”
Not for the kids. I gave up on trying to make them sit still in a corner years ago.
But for me, hell yes! Bring on the “mummy time out” chair, preferably next to the pool. And with a foot rest. Oh, and a wine glass holder.
10. Throw out all articles of clothing that cause my kids to whinge
This shirt is too itchy. In the bin.
My underwear is riding up my bum. In the bin.
These thongs hurt my feet. In the bin.
My sock has a bump in it. In the bin.
11. Become nudists
Because clearly that’s the only way to keep my kids from complaining about their attire.
Sure, I probably should use the start of the year to make some life goals. You know – save some money, start an exercise regime, spend less time at Kmart. But I reckon these New Year’s resolutions are more my speed. How about you?
If you’re looking for resolutions that you probably won’t keep, then check out these promises we make to ourselves as mums (and then break).