Hilarious! We Hear You Mumma, 8 Pregnancy Realities You’ll Never Forget!

Pregnancy. It’s just a walk in the park isn’t it?

That beautiful, perfectly swelling belly, glowing complexion, gloriously thick and lustrous hair. You probably think to yourself regularly “I should just be pregnant ALL THE TIME.”

If you’ve ever been pregnant, are pregnant right now, have stood near a pregnant person or just happened to have shared a lift with someone who is with child and over it, you’ll know that all of the above can be, at times, utter bollocks. Yes, pregnancy is a wondrous experience. No, there is nothing like those first tiny kicks and you know, the whole, ‘miracle of life’ thing, but glamorous it ain’t. In fact, evidence (that may or may not come from a reputable scientific source) suggests that pregnancy puts the body through the wringer as a little taster for what’s to come with birth and new motherhood. “Here’s a little insight into how you’ll never leave the house without baby wipes AGAIN,” it seems to say.

Here are 8 less glamorous things that happen to your body during pregnancy (and we mean, really, really not in any way, shape of form attractive) things that happen to your body during pregnancy.

1. You sweat. All the time.

Regardless of the weather. All that pesky extra blood flow means working up a sweat happens while bending over (or trying to bend over) to pick up a Malteser. Forget the gym, walking to the letter box should be enough to generate a healthy glow and rivulets streaming from your underarms.

2. That sweat appears in some strange places

Of course, you’ll have your garden variety sweating but did you know you can sweat from virtually anywhere? Under the boobs, beneath your belly, between your thighs, pregnancy opens up a whole range of brand new, previously sweat-free zones that just beg to start producing some saline for you to mop up (probably with the aforementioned baby wipes).

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3. Your body springs leaks in less than desirable places

Pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding mean one thing: extra bodily fluids. So much fluid. Pregnancy will give you a quick taste with increased mucous production, while birth merrily encourages your body to excrete liquids and solids from every available orifice. Breastfeeding, well lets just say that 12 boxes of breast pads won’t be enough in the early days. Stock up now.

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4. Pimples will sprout in places they’ve never sprouted before

Never had a pimple on the back of your neck? Count yourself lucky friend. You’ve either dodged that particular follicular bullet or haven’t yet been with child. Hormones, those cheeky buggers, love to play havoc with your skin. Yes, you may glow but it also may come with a side serve of ‘bac-ne’ or the aforementioned ‘neck-ne’.

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5. Grunting becomes your second language

It may not be ladylike but when you’re bending over the bowling ball attached to your front to try and reach a peg you dropped while hanging out tiny onesies, you will grunt, groan and probably give up on the peg entirely. As soon as your belly pops, your balance and equilibrium seem to shift and bending, squatting and doing anything below your knees seems to require a hell of a lot of effort and seemingly unconscious, animal-like noises.

6. Heartburn becomes a real and distressing visitor to your life

Prior to falling pregnant, you may think than indigestion and heartburn are things suffered by folks much, much older than yourself. Then you wake in the middle of the night, convinced a tiny demon has thrown a firebomb into your open mouth (open mouthed, snore filled sleep is also a pregnancy side effect) and left it lodged midway down your chest. Are you having a heart attack? Is the baby attempting to exit the building via your throat? Neither, it’s good old heartburn. Let Mylanta and Fruit Tingles be your friend till your baby eventually does exit via the correct channels.

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7. Weird hair growth patterns become a thing

It’s not a vicious rumour that pregnancy = thicker, shiny hair. What the second half of that tale neglects to mention is that ALL THE HAIR becomes thicker (but not so shiny). Legs, underarms, face, pubic area, everywhere will enjoy the surge of hormones that fertilise hair follicles and begin sprouting merrily. The real kicker is that hair removal on anything below your boobs becomes a real pain in the bum once your belly is out and proud meaning you either have to contort yourself into some pretty weird positions to deal with the situation or leave the crop to flourish. This is why a winter pregnancy can be a really good thing.

8. The need to pee becomes a constant friend

All that pressure on your bladder usually means one thing; many, many daily and nightly toilet visits. It may indeed get to a point where you feel you might just move your life into the loo and start conducting business and other necessary life admin from there.

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So there you have it. The less than glam parts of pregnancy for your poor old body. Fortunately, they come to an end after about 9 months. And you’re rewarded for your troubles with just about the best prize there is.

Avatar of Naomi Foxall

Naomi is 3/4 latte drinking, peanut butter obsessed former magazine girl who now does stuff with words for a living while juggling 2.5 kids, 2 cats, 1 rabbit, husband and an unhealthy obsession with slow cooking.

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