We hear a lot, mostly from women, in fact only from women, the statement; “My husband is my best friend” and I always find this hard to believe. 

I once put it to my husband; “Hey babe are we best friends?” Without even looking up from the footy he replied; “God no, Pat is my best friend”. Pressing him further, it turned out I wasn’t even in the top five and I am totally fine with that.

Because when women use the term ‘best friend’, we are talking about that person that we share volumes upon volumes of information with. This includes a blow by blow run down on the minutia of our day.  Essentially women could very much feel as though their husband or partner is their best friend, if their spouse is polite enough to pretend that they are listening to our tales of woe.  But for men, the term ‘best friend’ implies something very different.

So before you declare that you are your husband’s best friend, you may want to refer to the following list and take a minute to think, is this really where I wanna be?

Do you really want your most obvious flaw turned into a nickname?

Australian men seem completely unable to call their friends by their actual name, instead preferring to call them the most obnoxious and embarrassing name they can think of.  My husband wanted to invite a guy to our wedding but didn’t know his real name because everyone called him ‘Bumhead’, why? Because apparently his face looked similar to a bum.

Are you ready to turn a casual glass of wine into an Olympic event?

As a woman, I am not sure why the men folk do this, but apparently drinking together  is some sort of a race.  So if you want to be best mates with your man you had better start training to get, as they call it ‘piss fit’. And if you go to the bar and order a ‘shandy’, you will probably wind up drinking it out of your shoe.

How athletic are you willing to become?

From my observations, men seem to flock together for sporting purposes. This is the only time that it is apparently acceptable to slap another man on the bottom as a gesture of support.  I have a reputation (that I started) for being a huge sports hater.  So when I announced in front of my husband and his brothers that I had ‘mad ball skills’, of course they rolled around laughing and turned it into a dirty joke.

Are you ok with incorporating the phrase ‘that’s what she said’ into your daily vocabulary?

Let’s face it, dudes tell crass, dirty jokes all the time and even if it’s not a planned gag, they are always willing to go the extra mile to make it into one.  Yesterday I was reorganising my pantry and said to my husband “I just don’t have room for that” as I flung his oversized box of cereal at him. Quick as a flash he replied, “That’s what she said!”….hilarious.

How much time are you willing to spend in Bunnings?

Women go to Bunnings when we really need something urgently or if we are craving a $2 sausage in a roll. Men are drawn to Bunnings with the same magnetic pull of flies to poop.  They can spend all day in there not only because it is full of junk they ‘need’ in their lives but also because men also never ask for directions to the items they are looking for.

He is just not going to want to do the same BFF stuff that you want to do

Early on in a relationship a guy will occasionally make out like a shopping spree sounds like a great way to spend the day. But when you are boobs deep in a marriage, they are going to react to spending the day walking around behind you at the shops with the same enthusiasm of a prostate exam.  Occasionally we see the long suffering husband trailing behind his wife, trying to retract his balls from her purse, do you really want that for your guy?

Are farts really THAT funny?

I once overheard a conversation between a middle aged married couple in the checkout line at Coles.  He made a loud fake fart sound as his wife was bending over.  He cracked up laughing whilst she gave him the death stare and berated him for being so immature.  He responded with; “Bullshit Bev, farts are funny as shit.”  So take a minute and think, are you willing to join the allegiance of Bev’s husband?

How much do you like having eyebrows?

Guys like doing terrible things to their best mates for a laugh and usually whilst drunk.  There are millions upon millions of videos on YouTube, of men shaving their mates eyebrows off, drawing penises on their faces as they are passed out and doing other unmentionable things. A female best friend would never ever consider messing with another woman’s eyebrows. It appears a lot more dangerous to be a BBF with a dude.

Are you ok living in a Bachelor pad style home?

Take a minute to think about the state your partner was living when you met. For me, my husband had a mattress on the floor, the walls were hand painted with spray paint and he had a drawer that attracted ants (that he called his buddies). Most guys when left to their own devices or when in a cluster will eat exclusively from the junk food aisle and are more inclined to throw out undies instead of washing them. If you want to be your hubby’s BFF, you may want to lower your standard of hygiene…a lot.

I think it is wonderful to have a super close and meaningful relationship with your partner and husband, otherwise what is the point of getting married? But I just don’t feel we need to take up both the position of ‘Wife’ as well as ‘Best Friend’.  Guys flock to other guys in order to do guy things.  We as women don’t necessarily need to know what these ‘guys things’ are, we can just let them have them.  My husband cannot for the life of him understand why I find the company of my best mate fulfilling when all we do is get together and whinge about our husbands, but he accepts that it is a necessity of my life.

Author

Renae Hall-Butson is an immature 30 something born and bred in Perth, W.A. Mother of three and survivor of twins. A former Technical Writer who has traded writing fascinating ‘think pieces’ about Mining equipment for writing about the chaos and terror caused by raising small children. Currently the operating a Technical Writing business from home and assisting her punk ass husband with his Music Promotion business (not all heroes wear capes). Hobbies include harassing her mother with prank phone calls, creating awkward and embarrassing moments daily and giving her husband the stink eye. A devoted Pepsi Max enthusiast who copes with adulthood by trying to find the funny in all situations. Once awarded the title of ‘professional turd polisher’ who enjoys the challenge of making the mundane interesting in an effort to make people smile.

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