Cleaning sucks. Netflix wins.
But you can still make it look like you’ve put in a day of housework when you’ve really been sitting on the couch, probably in your underwear, watching Princess movies with your daughter. And a plate full of nachos.
Trust me, I do it ALL THE TIME.
If you’ve got 10 minutes to spare, then you still have time to trick everyone into thinking you’re some sort of domestic goddess. And still have time to finish your plate of nachos.
Here’s how to do it. And in just 12 steps.
1. Spray a whole shitload of carpet cleaner on the carpets.
If it smells clean, it is clean. Truth.
2. Let the dog in the house and let him lick all spills off the floor.
Who needs a mop when you have a dog?
3. Sweep the leftover food that the dog won’t eat into a corner.
Place a bean bag, basket or rug over top of it.
4. Rearrange the couch pillows neatly.
Smooth the butt imprint out of the cushion you’ve been parked on for the past three and a half hours.
5. Grab an empty laundry basket and collect all toys, craft items and random things from the floors.
Chuck them in the spare room closet and forget about them for three weeks.
6. Light a candle.
Preferably one that smells like cookies or any other delicious baked good you can pretend just came out of the oven. That you just ate in one sitting…
7. Gather all piles of dirty clothes and shove them into the washing machine.
Shut the lid. You can turn it on if you want. But then you may have to actually hang them on the line later. And that seems like a bit too much effort for today.
8. Squirt a bunch of toilet bowl cleaner in the toilet bowls.
Scrub for five seconds to remove the stains and flush.
9. Spray some multi-purpose cleaner on a clean cloth.
Run around the house like a crazy lady removing all super obvious stains. Pay close attention to the crayon on the tiles, the wee on the toilet seat and the unidentified brown stain on the walls.
10. Put on pants.
Preferably a bra. Oh, and wash the salsa off your face!
11. Throw all dishes in the sink with HEAPS of soapy dish-washing soap.
Fill to the top so that no one can actually see the excess of dishes hidden underneath the bubbles. Wet your hands so when your guests come in you can casually explain, “Oh, I was just in the middle of washing the dishes.”
12. Bribe your child so that she doesn’t rat you out.
Here sweetie. Have a chocolate. And keep your lips sealed!
There you go – who said keeping the house clean was hard work?
Looking for more ways to make it look like you’re winning at life? Check out these 14 things all mums need to stop apologising for.