Mums, if you have a daughter you need to teach your husband about what’s going on inside you!!!! Little kids ask some interesting questions of their parents and from about the age of four no subject is off limits.

The harder the question is to answer in a way they will understand the more likely they will ask that question. I think it is important that both the mother and the father are on the same page about how they intend to go about answering these tricky questions. Both need to be equipped with a birds and the bees speech covering all things reproductive because the following story is what can happen if dad is left to explain ladies to his little girl.

It was a normal Saturday, the wife had gone out shopping and left me home with the kids. Everything was going fine until my 5 year old daughter came into the lounge room from outside with a horrible look on her face “there’s something wrong with Pixie “she said with tears forming in her eyes. Pixie our Manchester Terrier was going about her normal business nothing appeared wrong “what’s wrong with her?“ I ask puzzled. “Pixie’s bum is bleeding” my daughter replies then follows with “put a Band-Aid on it daddy” it turns out the dog was on heat and this was the first time my daughter had witnessed It.

I probably could have eased my daughter’s mind by simply applying a Band-Aid to the dogs bum but before I could, her 10 year old brother chirps in with “the dogs got its period like what mummy gets” my daughter becomes even more distressed having learnt that both her dog and her mum share a similar condition and then before I could try and calm the situation the 10 year old like an evil super villain set on conquering the world says “you will get a period too one day” followed by as equally evil super villain laugh!!!!

What happened next should never be attempted by a dad unless he is a trained medical professional or he is under the strict supervision of an actual woman, and if so, should probably let her handle it from here.

I looked into my daughter’s eyes knowing she needed answers. I tried to think back to high school sex-ed classes. I know they taught us about how it all works but I’ve always been more of a practical guy rather than a theory guy and probably spent the class nervously giggling because the teacher said vagina. I was a schoolboy and unaware that I would be trying to draw on that information 15 years later.

I say “hey you know how mummies have babies in their belly?” my daughter replied “yes” I thank my lucky stars that she didn’t follow that up with “how do they get the babies in the belly” question. I then say “inside mum’s belly is all the stuff for a baby” she looks at me a little puzzled but I think she gets it; “a period is when a mum has all the stuff for a baby in her belly but no baby in her belly so…”I then realise what I’m about to say, I try to stop my mouth but it’s too late I’m saying it . “With no baby in her belly all the stuff falls out…”

When my wife arrived home from shopping, she was forced to pick up the pieces of my failed lecture, which left my daughter horrified at the thought that one day an unassembled baby will fall out of her bum like the broken arms and legs off a Barbie doll.

So, wives/girlfriends/partners/special friends; us dads may be able to unblock the kitchen sink or even fix the washer on the bathroom taps but when it comes to your plumbing we have no idea!

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Adelaide based Stand-Up Comedian , Father, and of course househusband

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