There comes a time in every single’s life where they become bored. Sitting at home, a little bit lonely, a lot drunk and they go “Oh hey, let’s download this sucker and start swiping!”
I am of course referring to Tinder.
Can you read between the lines? Everything in between is casual random sex. Or at least that’s what it’s meant to elude to.
As a single 20-something I have dabbled in the swipe arts and I have some wisdom to share which may or may not help you get laid/make you never want to be single again in my honest guide to Tinder.
1. Boys swipe for anything
They literally sit there and swipe right on everything. It could be a picture of a Chux wipe and dammit they’ll swipe right. They have a “law of averages” kinda theory whereby if they swipe for everything they’ll land more matches. Except as a female you match with absolutely anything you swipe right for. Should be good right? Wrong, ’cause then the “gents” will either unmatch with you once they’ve looked a bit harder or not ever talk to you and use you to build a boast-worthy match list.
I’m rocking a solid 40-odd matches right now. And from that list of 40 I’ve culled double that out. Now either I spend way too much time on Tinder and I’m kinda desperate or I’m a smoking Victoria’s Secret supermodel. I can assure you, dear reader, that I am neither. I’m your average female who admittedly does average on Tinder. With this personality? Unreal, I know!
2. But they don't chat
Now of these 40 matches how many of them have ever started chatting to me? 6. Not even kidding. I feel like people do it for the gratification that this person finds me hot from the 5 curated pics I’ve put in. But to go more than that, fuck nah she’ll be right. So please do not hang all your hopes on finding A) your soulmate or B) a chat buddy. For those that do chat the only enlightened conversation I’ve received is the ol’ Netflix and chill with a 😉 emoji (note to gents, wink emojis won’t get you sexual favours, it’s not manly, stop doing it) or an especially boring “Hi”, proceeded by no further conversation even when you’ve responded. NB: Netflix and Chill means come over and watch Netflix and have sex. I once responded to this with a cheeky “I don’t have Netflix” 😉 and dear Justin wrote back “That’s ok, but you should get Netflix, it’s awesome” and then proceeded to tell me a list of his favourite TV shows. Awks. Side note, I got Netflix, his case was solid and now I’m ready when I’m asked again. #Notsponsored
4. Think of it as a fun game
It’s kinda like playing the pokies. You get hooked, you entertain the idea of going home with a winner but reality is all you get is a sore finger. From swiping your iPhone screen … what did you think I meant?! But honestly if you take it for what it is, a way to boost your self esteem with all the attention and matches you get then swipe away and enjoy, my friend.
5. Let your couple friends have a go
I cannot begin to tell you the amount of married, engaged or just generally loved up friends who have sat there for a solid 10 minutes under the pretence of “I know what you need.” Sure they pick some shockers but let them go! They have fun, you can unmatch these guys later. Sometimes you just need to do your bit of community service and let ‘em at them!
6. You will come across couples
Nothing freaked me out more than coming across a couple looking for an “open minded new friend” aka threesome partner. Seriously? Who sits around at night and says “Honey we need to spice up our sex life, I know let’s hit Tinder and invite someone else to our sex party!” The pictures are of them together doing couply stuff. I’m so tempted to swipe right and just watch what happens. I’ll bet they chat to me! But seriously, surely that’s a 1 way ticket to re-enacting scenes from Silence of the Lambs right? I mean there’s 2 of them! They’ll overpower you in seconds. Unless the threesome life is all you’re craving I suggest giving it a wide berth.
7. You will see people you know
This, dear friends is why the lord, aka Steve Jobs, invented screen capture. See someone you know, click, send to your group of friends who also know this person and lol at their images. A lot of people actually swipe right for people they know and I’ve heard of these so called Tinder relationships starting from this. Firstly, that doesn’t count, you know that person, you could have FB messaged them but instead you swiped right. Secondly, you brave soul, I applaud you. How brutal would the rejection be if they unmatched you?! You know that person and could see them in every day life. #cray
8. Setting the right age range is important
You will want to change this within 5 swipes. You’ll see people who look like they could be your father, and kids who look like they could be your son. So before you get creeped out too much, stop and take the time to think. And I mean seriously think about how young you’re prepared to go and how old. Think of people you know who are those ages, real people (newsflash, not all 41 year olds look like Leonardo DiCaprio.) Or if you’re going the other way think about the lack of experience a young guy will have. Sure they may make up for it with sheer enthusiasm but they’re not all as experienced as Harry Styles in the bedroom.
9. There are so many weirdos!
As I sit here swiping I’ve literally come upon ‘Rod’ who has a picture of a male silhouette with a ? over it. His bio reads “Looking for a woman to fulfil a very special and kinky fetish. If you think you are adventurous enough then hit me up 🙂 Will show pics of myself when I am sure you are serious.” What. The. Fuck. WHO WOULD EVER RIGHT SWIPE THAT SHIT? He may as well say “I’m Josef Fritzel and I like Golden Showers.” I’m not sure what scares me more, that this guy thinks this will work or that he’s only 2km away from me. Locking doors now.
10. Beware of instruments and animals
I reckon there’s a secret group where men meet up and discuss Tinder pics. The leader of the group says “Guys, there are 2 rules of Tinder club, 1) you must have a picture of you with an animal, preferably a dog and 2) you must get a photo of you playing a musical instrument. I can picture one honest guy would timidly confess that he can’t play a musical instrument “Doesn’t matter. Chicks dig musicians.” Which is kinda true but to be a musician, you need to know how to play! So if one of these guys actually chats to you, ask them about their dog or the last gig they played and see what they come up with!
So thats a Tinder wrap! Overall have fun. This isn’t serious. Chances are you won’t meet the love of your life (although many have!) but you can chat to a few cute guys and gals while you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night.
So get your sexy snaps ready and “strap yourself in” for all the dick pics you could ever want.