Parenting hurts. Not just the giving birth part, or the cracked nipple part, or the teething part. We’re talking about the injuries your children accidentally inflict on you that leaves you battered, bruised and barely able to hold in the F bombs.
I’ll begin: When my youngest was two, she liked to come in and wake me up. Most days, this consisted of standing beside the bed, talking to me until I heard her and woke up.
But one day she came in because the phone rang, and she answered it. Whoever it was said they wanted to speak to me because she brought the phone with her.
The wake-up call I got was a handset smashed into the top of my nose, between my brows. She hit me so hard my eyes watered.
For years after, I convinced myself my facial bones were moving because of the power behind her smack. Even now I sometimes wonder if she left a small crack in that spot.
Parent-Related Injuries and Reddit Threads Are A Goldmine
Reddit always brings the goods when it comes to relatable (and debatable) parenting topics. Here are a few gems I discovered on my travels:
User Used_Establishment92 stated:
“When my daughter was 2 she accidentally stabbed me in the eye with a drinking straw. I felt it go under my eyeball. It wasn’t as bad as when she hit me in the back of the head with a fairly large rock though.”
It didn’t take long for the post to garner over 500 comments from other parents sharing their own tales of parenting pain.
Not The Eyes!
“When my son was 18 months, he poked me in the eye. It hurt, but I figured it would get better in a couple of days. I went to the eye doctor when my eye was so red and hurt very bad two days later. They put me on antibiotic eye drops, which helped for a few days.
I woke up three days later with my eye super red and irritated again. When I went back to the eye doctor, she walked me to the front desk and told the receptionist to get me an appointment with a specialist. Turns out I had gotten a fungal infection and almost lost my eye. I I had to go on medical leave for about a month because I couldn’t see anything, and my eye hurt so bad. I had to see the specialist every couple of days and had to go in twice on the weekends because my sight got worse.
Five years later and I have a scar on my eye that will never go away. I can see just fine with both eyes, but if I cover my right eye, everything is blurry,” –Waste_Winner_3123.
Nails of Pain
“When my first was seven months old I picked him up and he got excited and started flailing, scratching my eye with those tiny sharp nails. He scratched off part of my cornea and I COULD SEE THE MISSING LAYER. Had to take off work, go to the doctor and get meds, and my eyelid swelled shut. It’s still hurts four years later if I wake up and open my eyes too suddenly,” – ovary_up.
Nerf in the Eye
“My son likes to go, “Hey dad remember when I shot your eyeball with a Nerf gun? And laughs. He’s a menace.” – amanda_pandemonium.
Red-Eye Birth
This story wasn’t on Reddit but one woman shared a photo of her eyes after birth in which the pressure had popped the blood vessels in her face and eyes. As the mum shared on TikTok,
“I gave birth to the biggest baby that day – exploding every blood vessel in my face.”
Those Little Biters
“When my daughter was almost 3 she was royally pissed that it was time to leave the beach at a local lake.
She ended up biting my right cheek very hard while I was holding her and carrying her out of the water. It left a bruise and a mark for a while” – PitifulLifeguard6498.
Not The Nads!
“I know there are worse injuries listed, but I seem to take a blow to the plums every few weeks.
I believe it’s a way for older children to prevent future siblings from stealing their resources. Evolution would promote the genes for nut kicking, allowing the possessor of those traits to have more food/parental attention. If anyone needed a thesis idea for their PHD, you’re welcome” – Jazzlike-Complaint67.
Balls-o-sauras
“My younger daughter is obsessed with dinosaurs and loves pretending to be a pachycephalosaurus. He head is just the right height to headbutt my husband in exactly the wrong spot” – Soft-Wish-9112.
Nose Blows
“It was always a weird point of pride for me that I never had a nosebleed in my whole life. Enter my toddler, who shoved his finger in my nose so hard and so deep that I got my first ever nosebleed at 31 years old,” – drinkwhatyouthink.
No Milk, No Tooth
“My younger knocked out my front tooth (not all the way, but killed it and had to have a root canal) when she was all of 8 months old. She has always been intense, to say the least and whacked her head full force back into my face because I didn’t get the boob in her mouth fast enough in the middle of the night” – Flewtea.
Babies and toddlers can inflict some of the most painful injuries known to humanity. They can’t help it. But sometimes I think parents should get a full-body padded suit and a helmet when their babies start moving around.
What’s the worst parenting injury you’ve sustained?
