Ever wake up in the morning and think, “Hmm, I wonder what’s in store for me today?” Nope? Me neither. Why? Because I have kids and I KNOW what’s in store for me every day. Mess. Kid mess.
I’ve got three messy minions under my roof – one in the ‘I’m gonna smear blueberries all over the carpet’ stage, one in the ‘I decorated the house with stickers’ stage and one in the ‘I wanna make slime‘ stage.
Blueberry, sticky, slimy, smelly mess I can handle. But these 11 situations, well, you may need a bit more than a pack of baby wipes and a magic eraser…
These 11 kid messes, all of which I’ve dealt with THIS WEEK (because my kids are on school holidays and clearly LOVE ruining my life), require a rubbish bin AND a big bottle of vodka. Yep, these kid messes will take your day from mediocre to meltdown in an instant.
1. ‘I found textas!’
And proceeded to draw ALL over EVERY SINGLE THING I COULD FIND, including my face.
2. ‘The bag broke’
Bag of what exactly? The bag of marbles, the bag of flour, the bag of itty bitty beanbag beads, the bag of day-old garbage? Whatever the case, it’s gonna be a big ol’ bag of mess for mum.
3. ‘I made breakfast.’
AKA: “I spilt milk, peach juice, yoghurt, cereal and possibly leftover spaghetti from last night all over the floors and kitchen cupboards. And all before 7am. You’re welcome.”
Teaching them independence is overrated.
4. ‘Mum, the baby has weird yellow stuff up her back’
Bin the nappy, bin the change table cover, bin the outfit, bin the baby. Game over.
5. ‘Look, I made glittery slime!”
Hooray!! Glitter AND slime. #worseinventionever
Add a dash of food colouring all over your kitchen cupboard and you’re really winning at life.
6. ‘I forgot to empty my school bag’
Two weeks of mouldy sandwiches, decomposed fruit and spilled yoghurt pouches, left to curdle and crust in the bottom of a school bag. This, my friends, is the kind of stuff mum nightmares are made of.
7. ‘I’m in the bathroom’
What have they found in the bathroom? It’s either toilet paper which is now spread all over the floor, or toothpaste which is now caked all over the walls.
Or, it’s Sudocrem, which is now spread all over themselves. Oh, the joys.
8. ‘What’s that brown stuff?’
Please, for the sake of my sanity, be chocolate.
9. ‘My tummy hurts’
If your child says this, don’t delay – grab a towel, a mop and a bucket ASAP. Because there’s a 99% chance you’re going to be showered in spew in 30-60 seconds.
10. ‘Do I look pretty?’
This can mean three things. Your child has:
A. Gotten into your shoes and is parading around the house
B. Discovered your collection of out-dated nail polish and is now a rainbow of bright, shiny colours
C. Gotten into your makeup and now looks like a caked-out version of Kylie Jenner
Fingers crossed it’s A. Shoes are an easy mess to clean. Makeup and nail polish? Not so much.
11. “Mum, I think went on a killing spree.”
Nup. Just got into the bloody raspberries again. Either way, a horror show to clean up.
What to read next
Life with kids is never clean. Well, except maybe for the rare night when you’ve actually managed to fold the washing and they are asleep. Have a read of some of our other favourite kid messes and funny moments in parenting: