12 Hilariously Accurate Truths About Postpartum Recovery

Blood, sweat, tears, and a pretty high chance of accidentally pooping on your midwife. Labour was fun, wasn’t it? But it’s over and done with and now you have this gorgeous sweetheart that is so soft, sweet and smells just divine.

But you’ve also entered a brand new phase – postpartum recovery –  which involves an abundance of cooing over your new baby and attempting to avoid the fact that it feels like someone punched you straight in your lady bits.

So what else is in store during this blissful time? We’re so glad you asked! Join us as we count down some of the no-BS pit stops on the road to postpartum recovery.

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1. Okay, first things first, what in fresh hell is happening down there?

Basically the equivalent to a category five cyclone. But in your vagina. You’re gonna need some pretty heavy-duty machinery to deal with the aftermath – painkillers, salty baths, ice packs, perhaps a donut seat.

Don’t even think about dealing with the yard work yet. Leave that for WAAY down the recovery road.

2. Hellooooooo BLOOOOOOOOD

So. Much. Nine months worth in like three days. Hooray for adult nappies!

Mesh underwear
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3. Who invented AFTERPAINS? 

After pains… this searing cycle of death that radiates through your stomach and legs after you have the baby and your uterus starts to shrink.

Made worse by breastfeeding. Or breathing.

Made better by screaming bloody murder, yelling profanities at your partner and begging your midwife for stronger painkillers.

4. Okay, where’s my brain?

Oh, it’s gone. You probably left it in the delivery room. You’ll find it one day but, for now, you’re better off just accepting that your brain is a puddle of mush. Coffee and food help. If you have time to make either, of course.

HANDY HINT: Check out our free sample offer below for the Optivance Mummy Smoothie for breastfeeding mums – it’s like liquid energy for new mums in a handy single sachet smoothie! And you can drink it one-handed. #WIN.

5. Your body is NOT a wonderland. 

It’s a battered, bruised, swollen, sweaty apocalypse. Kind of like the setting for Mad Max but with fewer leather bralettes and more breast pads.

But it also just did a pretty rad thing, so back away from the mirror and let your body be. One day you’ll be able to touch your toes again. Not today though.

6. Why am I so damp?   

Postpartum bleeding, milky mountains, sweat coming from pretty much every orifice. Not to mention a baby constantly sticking to your chest.

Postpartum recovery is basically just coming to terms with being in a constant state of mild wetness.



7. New BEWBS  

Massive rock-hard veiny bewbs that look like they belong in the deep dark crevices of OnlyFans. Oh and let’s not forget the fact that they are HOT as FIRE when your milk comes in.

Do not touch them. Don’t even look at them.

8. AND a new pouch too! Oh my! 

Yes, ladies. A pouch. A droopy, floppy, paunchy, pouchy flab, formally known as “your baby” which is comprised of saggy skin and an unused uterus that wobbles when you walk. All part of the postpartum fun!

9. “Please do a poo today”

Your new morning mantra. Because you know the longer it takes to poop, the harder it’s gonna be. Pun intended.

10. You’d literally trade your husband’s left testicle for a decent sleep. 

Heck, throw in a hot shower and a decent sleep, and they can have both testicles. The torture that is sleep deprivation is REAL.


11. Breastfeeding is FULL ON. 

Even when you don’t have a baby attached, there’s a pretty good chance your breasts are still aching, leaking or preparing for another session. But don’t worry – you do get used to the constant milking and the girls eventually settle down.

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12. You’re never alone, but you kind of are. 

Sometimes it’s nice. Like at 5am when it’s just you and your baby. The world is quiet. The sun is starting to come up and, sure, you haven’t been to bed yet but there’s a strange sense of peace in the air. The calm before the crazy. It’s a pretty awesome feeling, even if you’re plagued by pure exhaustion.

But sometimes it’s not so peaceful. It’s lonely. During postpartum recovery you’re not alone – you’ve got people dropping off pies, midwives coming to check in on you, your partner making you cups of tea.

But the physical part of postpartum recovery? That’s the lonely bit. No one else feels the strain of breastfeeding, the pain of trying to go the toilet, the emotional drain of not sleeping.

This is just for us. And it can be overwhelming.

So, be kind to yourself. Allow yourself a chance to get used to all of this. It’s a lot to take in.

Take it easy. Rest when you can.

Lower your expectations of what needs to be done. Laundry, dishes, mopping, can wait.

Be proud of even the tiny wins, like taking a shower or managing to order groceries online.

Try to keep your sense of humour, even through the sleep deprivation.

And, most importantly, remember that your body will heal, your breasts will settle and your brain will eventually return.

Just give it time.

A daily dose of energy and nutrition for new mums

One way to help with the postpartum recovery process is to try to keep your nutrition on track. Optivance Mummy Smoothie for breastfeeding is a quick and easy solution. Made by a mum and nutritionist, the Mummy Smoothie is formulated for breastfeeding mums and is designed to provide you with a daily dose of energy and nutrients to keep you going and help your body heal.

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Each Mummy Smoothie for breastfeeding contains 21 vitamins and minerals, including 100% of your daily vitamin B, D, and iron requirements, protein, collagen, probiotics, DHA and Galactagogues (i.e. fennel and fenugreek) to support milk supply. Simply put, it provides you with a quick and easy way to support your body – and your baby – during the postpartum process.

Get your TWO free samples here!

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And, for pregnant mums, there’s also the Optivance Mummy Smoothie for pre-conceptions and pregnancy – a yummy alternative to taking a daily tablet or capsule.

Pregnancy. Labour. Postpartum recovery. It’s all pretty hectic. But it’s also a testament to just how strong and amazing we are. Let yourself laugh, cry and heal.

And, remember, it may get lonely at times, but you’re not alone. We’ve all been there, done that and have the memories of sweaty bewbs and stitched-up vaginas to prove it.

This is a sponsored post for Optivance.

Avatar of Jenna Galley

Born and raised in Canada, Jenna now lives in Far North Queensland with her tribe. When the mum-of-three is not writing, you can find her floating in the pool, watching princess movies, frolicking on the beach, bouncing her baby to sleep or nagging her older kids to put on their pants.

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