The day has finally come and you’re in labour (you think!). Sure, you’ve been wrong in the past but, this time, there is NO way you’re leaving the hospital without a newborn.
You’ve got your labour bag, your birthing snacks, your phone charger. It’s happening, people. And you’re READY FOR IT.
While no one really knows what’s going to unfold behind those closed doors, allow us to bring a few labour suite secrets and thoughts to light, all of which you may discover during your birthing experience.
Because the more you know, the better.
1. First things first, why is there literally NO PARKING in front of the hospital?
Seriously, where’s the designated, “I’m in labour” spot? No one wants to walk 500 meters to the entrance while dripping goo from their undies.
2. What’s your name again?
WHY IS IT SO HARD TO REMEMBER A SINGLE MIDWIFE’S NAME??
3. Oh, hello there. Super crisp white sheets.
Apologies in advance for making a massive mess on you. And not just sheets. Blankets, pillows, towels, even. All pure white. Strange choice of colour for what’s about to unfold.
4. Your husband sucks.
Look at him over there, sitting in a chair, being all supportive and shit, not writhing in pain or feeling like his stomach is about to split in half. What a dick.
5. “Try the fitness ball”.
This will become one of your least favourite sayings. Seriously, stop telling me to bounce. I don’t want to freakin’ bounce right now.
6. Nevermind. “You’re only XX cms” trumps this.
Only 3cm? Pretty sure your birthing ruler is broken or something. Check again, whatever your name is.
7. The stupid gas thingy must be broken.
It does a good job of making you feel like a loopy marshmallow, but those contractions keep coming. And they hurt, dammit.
8. You have a new BFF.
You don’t recall his name, but you know he’s the ananethi, anastethi, ah, bugger it, he’s the dude that brings the better drugs and he’s literally your favourite person in the world now.
9. Nevermind that massive needle he’s got with him.
Don’t open your eyes.
10. What was that noise? Oh, it was me.
Ever heard the sound a male elephant seal makes? No? Might be worth a quick google just so you know what you’re capable of.
11. So. Much. Pressure.
12. “Do you want a mirror”?
No, I don’t want to see any part of myself right now, especially not my lady garden being massacred by a baby’s head, thank you very much.
13. Please don’t poop, please don’t poop.
Ah, screw it. If I gotta poop to get this kid out, it’s happening. Look out.
14. Amount of dignity left: ZERO.
Number of fucks given: Also zero.
15. Number of adorable squishy newborn babies in my arms: One.
Who needs dignity when you have a baby?
16. The placenta can birth itself, dammit.
Seriously, I pushed the baby out. I’m done. Leave me alone now.
17. Oh lord, that’s a weird organ.
You’ve probably seen a placenta before but up close, in the flesh, watching your midwife inspect it – definitely an interesting site.
And it was somehow inside you all this time?
Yep. Labour. Full of surprises. Sure, you may lose your dignity, but look at what you’ve gained – a new baby. And a new BFF, of course. The anesthesiologist-dude, whatever his name was.