Forums: most of us have read them or wrote on them and maybe even learned from them.

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Sometimes they’re helpful but other times they’re just downright frustrating.

Have you ever read a forum question or comment and found yourself replying in your mind but never actually typing it for fear of offending the person who wrote it? Not me. As you can see, I don’t have that kind of restraint…

Question: “My boyfriend and I had unprotected sex. Could I be pregnant?”

Do’h! Yes goddammit. Of course, you could be pregnant! Did you not pay attention in sex ed class? Did you not think to plan ahead? Look online, read a book or at the very least search the internet. To be honest, if you don’t know the answer to this question then A: you probably shouldn’t be having sex and B: I worry how you function in everyday life. Now go and buy some condoms or close your legs.

Question: “My period is a week late. Could I be pregnant?”

It’s a strong possibility. Let me look into my crystal ball and I’ll tell you! What a stupid question. Take a pregnancy test, go to the doctor or both FFS!

Question: “Does this picture of my pregnancy test look positive? I’m sure I see a second line.”
[posts photo of pregnancy test with control line and a blank test window]

Negative. Stop driving yourself crazy and test again in a few days. You’re making yourself look like an obsessed weirdo by posting these pics online.

Question: “The fertility app I use says I’m not fertile yet, should I still have sex?”

Are you for real? Are you going to let a computer program determine when you get jiggy with it instead of actually deciding for yourself? Seriously? If you want to have sex, stop typing silly questions on a forum and just go jump his bones. Just to be clear, that’s a yes!

Question: “My OPK (ovulation predictor kit) says I’m ovulating, do you think It’s right as I think I ovulated 2 days ago?”

Two questions. 1. Did your OPK give you a positive 2 days ago? No? So there’s a strong chance you didn’t ovulate and 2. If you’re not going to believe your OPK then STOP USING THEM! They cost a bloody fortune anyway so if you stop using them you can spend the cash on bulk buying pregnancy tests instead so that when you get to that stage you can obsess and disregard the results on them as much as you’re doing with the OPKs!

Question: “My period isn’t due for another 3 days and I got a negative pregnancy test result today. Could I still be pregnant?

WTF? Can you read? If so read the leaflet that comes in the same box as the pregnancy test you just did. Yes, you can still be pregnant but if you’d actually READ THE LEAFLET then you’d know that even if you’ve conceived, your hCG levels might not be high enough to be detected yet. You’d also know to wait until after your period is due to test again. But I guess you’d know that if you’d READ THE FUCKING LEAFLET!

When you’re pregnant or trying to conceive it’s possible to just get lost in the moment and go a bit bat shit crazy. If you feel yourself being pulled in this direction, do yourself a favour and step away from the pregnancy forums. Phone a friend, ask a doctor but for god’s sake don’t post about it online: you’re post pregnancy-obsessed self will thank you for it!

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