Gird your loins ladies and gents – it’s almost time to return to the realm of school. Sorting school lunches, ironing school uniforms, labelling and contacting school books (UGH), and, of course, preparing for the inevitable encounters with the various types of school mums.

There are different types of school mums, you ask? Oh yes, Innocent One, there certainly are. And you’re about to meet THEM ALL.

Chatty Cathy, No BS Bec, Lingering Lisa, Artistic Amy, PTA Patty…and let’s not forget Hot Mess Jess.

How many of these school mums have you met?

Let’s find out, shall we?

*Disclaimer* No school mums were harmed in the making of this. It’s just for fun so calm down, Carol, and play along. 

Nic 

Resting bitch face on point. Wears shirts that say “IDGAF” and “Boss Bitch”. Won’t RVSP to your kid’s birthday until the day before. Will show up with an epic present and a UDL of Jack Daniels.

Cathy

Has at least three kids in the school. All see different specialists. Does pilates. Volunteers on Tuesdays. Has a dog with ear problems. Would love to catch up outside of school. Reminds you of all of these things every time you see her.

Bec

Wears slacks and heels. Takes kids out of school for yearly trips overseas. Rarely seen, unless there’s an issue with her kids. Will bitch slap the principal, if required. Prefers to give money for birthdays and fundraisers.

Carol 

Finds the school drop-off zone unsafe. Has filed three complaints about it. Is also worried about the uniform fabric. Brings her own food to kids’ parties. Thinks KFC is the actual devil.  Says, “It’s not my business, but…” a lot.

Amy

Has at least two body piercings that you can see. Sews her own Bookweek costumes and makes epic Easter day bonnets. Is edgy AF. Possibly has a glue gun in her purse. Definitely has valium.

Jess

Doesn’t know what day it is. Always has a coffee. Rocks the mum bun and large sunnies. Kids sometimes show up to school with their pants on backward.  Buys birthday presents on the way to the party. Doesn’t bother with the card.

Patty 

Always has her phone in her hand. Laughs really boisterously and wears sensible shoes. Friends with the principal and most of the teaching staff on Facebook. Drinks Moscato mixed with soda water at all functions.

Zoe

Wears flowy skirts and has at least two younger children. Uses a different fabric baby sling every day of the week. Makes the best bake sale foods, even if they are gluten-free. Smells delicious and never swears. Refers to herself as ‘mummy’.

Lisa

The official school ‘lingerer.’ Arrives early, stays late. Has a permanent position on one of the benches. Sometimes brings snacks to share with the other parents. Likes to start debates about climate change, recycling and The Bachelorette.

Nana Deb

Likes to remind you that her daughter is a CEO so she picks up the kids in her place. Complains about the heat. Forgets your name.

Lorna 

Drives an SUV. Always wins the parent-teacher races. Kids do at least three sports each. Was a gymnast in high school.

So, ladies, how many of these school mums have you met? Which one are you?

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Author

Born and raised in Canada, Jenna now lives in Far North Queensland with her tribe. When the mum-of-three is not writing, you can find her floating in the pool, watching princess movies, frolicking on the beach, bouncing her baby to sleep or nagging her older kids to put on their pants.

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