If you’ve done any kind of group activity post having a child you’ll know there’s many personalities at play.

Some you like, some you loathe, one may even become your new BFF. Either way there’s seven guaranteed mums you’ll find in any group scenario. Read on, you’ll know exactly who they are…

From the crunchy granola hippy to the experienced ‘not my first rodeo’ second timer, the active wear mum to the social butterfly, you’ve known them all in your mum-travels. so, let’s meet them….

1. The Earth Angel

They had an all natural “ah-mazing” birth and dress their child in nothing but organic bamboo cloth nappies and expensive coordinated outfits from Pure Baby. The nursery is decked out in tasteful neutrals and lots of wooden toys. She’s slightly crazy from the lack of sleep as they are breastfeeding round the clock on demand but thankfully their partner “is totally ah-mazing and couldn’t be MORE supportive”. Don’t mention co-sleeping unless you are prepared to hear all about it.

  • Previous day job most likely to be: graphic designer, nutritionist, some middle management job with a lot of hyphens and regular trips to the Sydney office.
  • Most likely to: invite you to “this ah-mazing mums and bubs yoga group that just started up”, recommend placenta encapsulation.
  • Talk to them about: where they get their beautiful toys, the best organic cafes in the area.

2. The Premmie Powerhouse

This war horse of a mum wasn’t expecting her bundle of joy until a month after everyone else at least, and had to throw her ideas of taking her baby home out the window for a few weeks while the tiny lady or man grew big enough in NICU to cope on their own. She pumped and fed round the clock, traveling all the while. Still coming to grips with everything, the cot was set up in a panic by her partner one night after the baby arrived. She’s more than a bit traumatised from the rapid upheaval and may cling to her bub like they are a precious jewel. Likely to roll her eyes when mums complain they went over 40 weeks gestation and were “just so sick of being pregnant and waiting” for their babies.

  • Previous day job most likely: Teacher, IT, something in finance that sounds complicated and important.
  • Most likely to: need a cocktail and a hug
  • Talk to them about: how amazing they are, Netflix recommendations.

3. The Competitive One

Befuddled by having to finally surrender her years of being in charge of her life to a tiny dictator, the competitive mum will try and fool you that she has EVERYTHING under control. Her baby is already down for every childcare centre in a 15km radius, French kindergarten and the nearest expensive private school. They also have their own bank account with regular deposits being made. She constantly brings the conversation back to her. If you had a bad birth, hers was worse. You had a good night’s sleep? Hers was better. She’s planning to get an au pair and start back at work “just two or three days a week quite soon”. And her baby is practically crawling, didn’t you know?

  • Previous day job most likely to be: public relations, lawyer, upper management with a car space or private consultant to some “very high end clients”.
  • Most likely to: break down and start crying the second someone asks her how she is handling the constant pressure of caring for a tiny human because “it is a big change, isn’t it?”
  • Talk to them about: sleep routines, online shopping, the home business idea for soy candles she’s always wanted to pursue.

4. The Instagram Dahling

From the moment they were pregnant, they have carefully coordinated every second of their baby’s social media life. From the hands-on-belly Pinterest worthy announcement to professional bump photos and the swoon inducing thank you cards. Their baby and nursery are decked out in a chic blend of etsy one-offs, cute items from “just this little market I know” and Kmart. Turns up always looking immaculate in new season Seed Heritage with huge sunglasses, a fresh latte despite protesting “I look terrible!”. Bought a Bugaboo pram because that’s what Beyoncé used.

  • Previous day job most likely to be: small business owner, media, retail or frustrated accountant desperate to become a brand ambassador instead.
  • Most likely to: try to get you to vote for their baby in the Bonds baby search.
  • Talk to them about: recent celebrity gossip, face creams, good hairdressers in the area.

5. The Second Timer

While you can barely function, she is already wrestling a toddler on top of the newborn. Her voice is sympathetic when you talk about how hard everything is but you are not mistaken when you see her eyes silently glitter “it gets harder bitch!”. She has perfected the art of a daytime nap and talks about how easy the second one is because “they don’t do anything”. She nods in silent judgement when you say ridiculous things like “we won’t ever allow screen time” or “he just loves all vegetables!”. Her confidence is alluring and confronting as you never feel like you will be able to leave the house before 11am ever again and she somehow manages the 8.30am kindy run every day. Her girl baby wears a lot of blue hand me downs. She constantly has vomit on her shoulder and doesn’t blink.

  • Previous day job most likely to be: part time and involving a massive career/home juggling act.
  • Most likely to be: the one who brings homemade cookies to parents group because she needs it as much as anyone else.
  • Talk to them about: Everything except how tired you are. These mums are a goldmine for information, but please, they are dealing with enough without your whinging.

6. The Social Planner

Natural networkers, this mum has set up a Facebook page, email thread and a WhatsApp group before the end of your first parents group meeting. She’s the first to confess she’s still getting her head around the whole baby thing, and her baby lives in Bonds and Target onesies – zips only. But while her confidence is lacking with the day-to-day routine, she knows the toy library opening hours, the best baby friendly cafes and ALL the classes. In fact, she’s signed up for first aid, the council’s course on solids, music classes, swimming and playgroup. She also seems to be on first name basis with all the people in the local shops. She loves going for walks and oh my god we should totally do that together! What are you doing Wednesday?

  • Previous day job most likely to be: social worker, a nurse, in the health sciences, work for a NGO or some weird job for the government.
  • Most likely to: be the first to get a baby sitter and post a photo of her on Facebook looking glam and throwing back a glass of wine in a hot new bar captioned “woohoo ladies night! #mumsgowild”
  • Talk to her about: politics, date night venues, mums and bubs movies.

7. Active and Awesome

She lives in activewear and turned up to your first meeting wearing a visor, leggings and carrying a green smoothie. Loves cross fit and a bit of Paleo but draws the line at anti-vaxxers and Pete Evans. Generally quiet and chilled, but loves a wine and would probably die if she couldn’t get to the gym for some “me time” at least once a week. Was doing spin classes up to 39 weeks so has bounced back into her pre-pregnancy clothes but complains her “shape is just so different now!”. Her child is often carried close in the baby carrier or sling, and wears vintage hand me downs and monochrome matched sets. Her social media is full of selfies with her and the baby camping, at the beach and in reformer classes.

  • Previous day job most likely to be: personal assistant, physio or speech therapist, Human Resources officer.
  • Most likely to: spend her PPL payments on kale and lululemon online orders.
  • Talk to her about: that detox you always wanted to do, your pelvic floor muscles, that great little beach spot she was at the other day.

Whoever you do, or don’t encounter when you’re at Mothers Group, there’s always two important lessons to remember. For now, these ladies may be your lifeline to sanity and support, embrace them and their weird / wild / wonderful / wellness-preaching ways. Friends for a reason, friends for a season and all that. Secondly, diversity is good – we can’t all be the same, right? And there’s something you can learn from everyone… well, almost! 

Author

Kate Lynford is a Melbourne mum of a newborn and a demanding toddler. Her hobbies include sleeping, occasionally showering and going to the supermarket on her own.

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