When I found out I was expecting a baby boy, I was oh-so-excited.
I dreamed of all the lovely things ahead that I would experience as a boy mummy. Tiny overalls. Cute wooden trucks. Little braces. Cool vintage hats. Adorable leather sandals. And so many loving gazes.
He might even think, for a short while, I was the most beautiful woman on his earth.
Truth? Reality bites.
What did I actually know about boys? Clearly, nothing! It was not long before I accepted I had no idea what they liked or didn’t. I certainly knew very little about penises. And nobody was embracing the cool vintage hats idea.
Turns out whether I liked it or not, I was a full blown boy mumma and I was going to need to learn as I parented. Here’s a few doozies about toddler boys I think everyone should know. Because forewarned is forearmed, right?
10 unspoken boy mum truths I never thought I’d have to learn. But did.
1. Yes. A penis can stretch that much!
Boys are born with the instinct of wanting to touch their willies, and well, pull them like they’re silly putty. The amount of times I’ve been worried that my son would stretch it clean off, I can’t count even count on one hand. Don’t worry, that penis is fine. And it will return to normal.
2. Boys love being naked. Anytime, anywhere.
I’ve somewhat accepted that my son’s first clothing choice is nudist. He loves being naked. Who’s over, time of day or outside temperature is completely irrelevant. I’m pretty sure that being naked is when he’s happiest. Beware of the floor puddles.
3. They’re all pro wrestlers
Rough play is a thing. Sure he will have his moments of angelic behaviour but he goes ‘pro’ at least once a day. The good news is that some studies now encourage playful rough housing. So while you’re escaping a vice grip he’s actually learning something.
4. Playing quietly is NOT a thing
Maybe it’s just my little guy, but playing quietly is not a thing. Routine play embraces roaring, throwing things, climbing furniture and most definitely no concept of being ‘seen and not heard’. Every day is an adventure with your little boy. Ear plugs optional. If they’re quiet be very worried. They’re probably playing with the toilet or drawing on the walls.
5. A visit to the Emergency Department will occur
A spider bite because they just had to touch it? ‘Testing out’ their flying skills? Putting something up their nose? All normal. Boy mums lose about 5 years off their life expectancy every time their son has to be rushed to the ED. This could be many times. Stitches, casts or crutches are standard apparel.
6. They just love boobs
Breastfeed or not, little boys have a keen and passionate curiosity about boobs. Pulling down your shirt just to look at them (most likely in public) is normal. Jamming a sweaty hand between them for comfort, also strangely normal. Resting a tired head on your squishy chest? Normal. Boys like boobs.
7. They also like smells, farts and all things related to bodily noises
If you dreamed of raising a child that was above such silliness I’ve bad news for you. A delight in a bodily toot is genetically ingrained. Give in. Celebrate the magical orchestra that is the human body with your little fellow. It’s a long 18 years if you don’t.
8. Clothes shopping is ugh
Dinosaur shirt, monkey shirt, monster shirt, skull shirt. That’s about what you get in the mainstream stores. Then you have a vast variety of pant or short options to select from… Well, possibly 2 colours, a pair of jeans and… that’s about it. On the upside my little boy never cares what he wears as his preference is to be naked as much as possible. See point 2.
9. The love of cars is real
Wheel obsession is a thing. Tractors. Cars. Diggers. You name it, the stereotype is the real deal. Studies however say that obsessions in kids can be a sign of intellect so that’s the upside to playing trains 217 times a week. No matter how much you steer them elsewhere little bodies love cars. Introduce a baby doll and he may just surprise you but cars will take a starring role in your life from now on.
10. The boners
Nobody ever, EVER told me little boys get erections! Truth is they’re real and they’re well, they’re certainly there! Luckily the ‘big awkward talk’ is still a few years away. Until then, ignore them.
Sure they’ve got sticky hands and 68 matchbox cars on your floor. They’ll get naked at any opportunity and they’ll show your boobs to an unassuming waiter. But little boys will steal your heart mumma and we wouldn’t have it any other way.
What boy truth have we missed that you’re experiencing in your house? Tell us below.