We’re all pretty perfect parents before we have kids. I had so many rules in my mind that all went out the door during that first year of parenting – no dummies, no co-sleeping, no sweets, no toy guns.
I was a smug little pregnant bitch who ate my words less than 24 hours after giving birth when I abandoned my dumb-arse values in favour of the magic dummy. And I wasn’t the only non-parent who clearly had my head in the childfree clouds.
Recently parents headed to Reddit to share the funniest things child-free people have told them. And, boy, are they hilarious!
Cue the major eye rolls as these non-parents take to the stage and show us what they think parenting is all about.
Dumb sh*t non-parent friends say
Once, my child-free friend asked me if my 18-month-old would sleep in the next morning because it was Saturday. I laughed so hard!”
When I was pregnant, one day I realized my baby hadn’t moved as much as usual, so I told my friend I might need to go get checked. She replied, ‘Can’t you just tell the baby to move with your mind?'”
Meet in town?
My friends used to hit me up at like 7:00 at night, asking me to come out that night — and then they’d be shocked that I couldn’t just ‘get someone to watch the baby.'”
Pregnant now, nap later
When I was pregnant, I couldn’t sleep well because every position was uncomfortable. Well, my friend said, ‘You probably can’t wait to give birth so you can catch up on some sleep!'”
Dinner for three
We took our baby to a wedding when she was 2 months old, and they had a place setting at the table for her — complete with a full set of metal cutlery and a highchair!”
Recently, we were visiting our friends — who are child-free by choice — and they really love my kid. When they heard my kid was into puzzles, they brought her a 1,000-piece one! She’s three years old.”
FACT: Forts are life
My sister visited once and scolded me for letting my children take our couch cushions off the couch to make a fort. That’s the last thing I was worried about with three kids under 7 years old!”
Sit, baby, sit
I was getting a passport for my 3-week-old daughter, and the worker said I needed to sit her up on her own, then when I told him she couldn’t, he stormed off to get a manager.”
When I had my son, the first child from that generation, my cousin straight up asked, “Are his eyes open yet?” Like I had a kitten instead.”
When I went on maternity leave with my third kid, my boss said, ‘Enjoy your vacation.'”
Dumb sh*t dads-to-be say
No one puts baby in a chair
When I was pregnant and picking out a bouncer, my husband said, ‘Is this really necessary? Why can’t we just put the baby in a chair?'”
How do you like them apples?
In the hospital, I just had a baby and was struggling to breast feed. I went to the washroom and when I came out my ex was feeding my newborn applesauce. FREAKING APPLESAUCE. She was only hours old and 4 weeks premature.”
My husband thought kids start talking at around 3 months, and he joyfully asked our friend whether her 4-month-old was already saying something funny!”
Colouring fixes everything
I was working from home with a 6-month-old, and it was hard trying to have conference calls and entertain her at the same time. Well, my husband said, ‘Don’t worry — it’ll get easier when she’s around 12 months old, when you can just sit her down for an hour or two with a colouring book.'”
Carry on, dad
When we were working on our baby registry, my husband couldn’t understand the need for a stroller, saying, ‘I’ll just carry the babies.’ What makes it even funnier is that we were having twins!”
Puppy makes four
I foolishly thought I’d have all this free time during maternity leave, and I actually suggested to my husband that it would be the perfect time for us to get a puppy because I’d have time to train it!”
Looking for more lies we tell ourselves before we have kids? We’ve got plenty! Check out: