Before I had kids, I made A LOT of promises about things I would and wouldn’t do when I became a mum.
I swore my baby would sleep through the night. I was convinced my child would never need a dummy. And, I promised my kid would never ever, ever tantrum in public.
My parenting journey would pretty much be like riding a magical unicorn through a cloud of fairy dust lightly sprinkled with glitter.
Then I pushed a kid out of my uterus and realised that magical unicorns and fairy dust aren’t going to make my kid stop crying and go the f*ck to sleep!
I soon discovered, like we all do when we have actually have children, that living up to the unrealistic promises I made during pregnancy is pretty much impossible (if I wanted to keep my sanity).
But laughing at these ridiculous promises later down the track is definitely recommended! So pour a glass of wine and join me as we revisit our past and delve into the pre-baby promises we actually thought we could keep before we became parents.
“When I Have Kids I Will NEVER…”
Frame a picture of my uterus (or share it on social media)
Ignore my mates
I’m sorry, did you say something on the phone? I was too busy trying to get my child to stop licking the dog.
Or my social life
Hanging out with my kids every night is social, okay?
Swear in front of my kids
Well, if the kids weren’t little sh*ts and picked up their f*cking LEGO, I wouldn’t step on the pointed blocks of death and yell profanities in an attempt to thwart the pain.
Not. My. Fault.
Base all my conversations around my children
Sorry old college roommate I haven’t seen in ten years, did you not want to hear all about my son’s newfound ability to wipe his own bum?
Wear active wear all day long
Yep. Just another mum actively avoiding exercise while wearing my active wear.
Leggings for life.
Neglect my hair or make-up
Yes, of course I will still wear make-up and brush my hair on a daily basis.
I meant…weekly basis. W-E-E-K-L-Y.
Schedule things around my children’s sleep routines
The kids will cater to MY routine and MY social calendar. None of this “I can’t meet then cause it’s naptime BS.”
Let my kids out in public dirty or poorly dressed
Or with a snotty nose. Or in nothing but a nappy. Or naked, for that matter.
Now… if just one child remembers to put on shoes before we leave the house, I consider it a win. I don’t even care if the shoes match.
Turns out, my kids didn’t get this no-coming-into-mummy’s-bed-memo.
Use baby formula, store-bought baby food or dummies
“I solemnly swear that, when I have kids, I will turn into a bottle-banning, dummy-hating Nazi.”
And don’t even get me started on takeaway, or sugary foods, or processed snacks or juice.
Here, self-from-eight-years-ago, have a Snickers. You’re not yourself when you’re pregnant and crazy.
Let my kids play with toy guns or weapons of any sort
Then I discovered that being the Fun Police is about as much fun as being a Sugar Nazi. And, besides, kids can craft weapons out of pretty much anything (including their doodles).
At least Nerf arrows don’t hurt or leave a trail of urine all over the tiles…
Become a cook, a cleaner or a chauffeur for my kids
It’s because I want to… not because I have to. At least this is what I keep telling myself as I scrub caked-on play dough off the floor. Life goal achieved.
Let them eat in the car
In my defence, I used to have a nice car. But that was before I realised that owning nice things and having children do not go well together.
Share a family photo on Instagram with #blessed
Allow them more than 15 minutes of daily screen time
But that was before my daughter discovered the joy of YouTube. And there is nothing sweeter than watching her watch other kids play with toys on YouTube.
Refer to myself as “mummy” in the third person
“Mummy said no.” “Mummy loves you very much.” “Mummy doesn’t like it when you pee on me.”
Turns out, Mummy sucks at keeping promises.
But, hey, at least mummy now knows that that there is A LOT more to being a perfect parent than putting limits on what should and shouldn’t be done.
Sometimes we have to break the rules, even our own, to find that happy medium between perfection and insanity. As it turns out, being an imperfect parent who breaks promises, co-sleeps, relies on YouTube and sometimes drops the F bomb is a lot more fun than trying to be perfect all the time.
Now that we’ve unleashed the little white parenting lies we tell ourselves, check out these 14 lies we tell our kids. Because lying and parenting go hand in hand.