So I finally met Christian Grey, I mean Mr Grey, I mean Sir. Excuse me while I fan myself.
Initially I was reluctant to read this trilogy. I knew that it began as a fan lit of the Twilight series. So now there is another worldwide reading phenomenon resting on the same fantastical dynamic. Super powerful, unnaturally handsome, wealthy, calm independent man who drives exotic sports cars unsuccessfully warns away super inexperienced, awkward, young, unwittingly gorgeous virgin from their dark embrace.
Familiar? It’s Twilight. Minus the vampire. Plus kinky fuckery.
So at first I was uncomfortable. I didn’t want to read about a submissive young woman [Ana, short for Anastasia] being beaten and demoralised by anyone. But as it turns out, I didn’t have to. Ana never becomes Christian’s ‘sub’ though she does enjoy the role playing [shudder]. I am absolutely not into that whole BSDM thing. The red room of pain does not float my boat and if someone takes a riding crop to my arse, they’d better make it worth it ’cause I guarantee it will be the last thing they do. But as I read through the trilogy, I did work out that it wasn’t really about the sex. He does, in fact, love her and really the joy of the story is reading about how much he wants to protect her and cherish her. And THIS is what I think women are addicted to.
Who knew that women wanted this? I certainly didn’t know and to be honest, I’m confused. It was not that long ago that we were all sexually empowered thanks to Sex and The City. Sexually empowered nay, encouraged to sow our sexual oats. Poor, inexperienced and awkward Charlotte was NOT the girl you wanted to relate to. No. Women wanted to dress like Carrie, fuck like Sam and practice law like the red head. But Charlotte? Not so much. Now, it seems that awkward is the new black. NOT knowing you’re attractive is how we should be playing it. And if you can possibly bite your lip every time you talk to a gorgeous man, then get ready to explode in a flurry of orgasms against a wall in an elevator.
“Now it seems that awkward is the new black.”
Guys… hold your horses and don’t order those handcuffs just yet. Yes, the books have been dubbed ‘mummy porn’ but the porn factor is in the way this man loves his woman. Picture this… an amazingly handsome, incredibly fit, unspeakably wealthy horn bag falls for your wife/girlfriend. Don’t think he won’t because he doesn’t expect her to be gorgeous or well-dressed or sophisticated or independent or wealthy or single herself. He falls for her and courts her by – wait for it – DEVOTING HIS TIME TO HER. By buying her clothes that suit and fit her. By remembering her favourite book. By making her playlists and delivering them to her on her own iPod. By interrupting his very busy and important day to write her flirty emails. By always taking her call. By making sure she eats well. By begging to take her clothes shopping. By washing, brushing and plaiting her hair. He buys her a couple of cars. The latest Apple hardware. Christian Louboutin heels. A publishing company. A mansion. When she complains, once, that she hasn’t seen her friends in a while he flies all of them to his house in Aspen on his own private jet for the weekend. His favourite past time is watching her sleep, he loves his mum and he totally ignores all other women.
He’s old-fashioned and millions of women have voted that an alpha male is what they’re yearning. They like that he tells her what to do. They like that he takes care of business. They like that he can fuck her up against a wall and then tenderly pick her up in his gorgeous arms and take her to bed to watch her sleep… while her plays the piano into the early hours of the morning in nothing but some low slung track pants. They like that he has a housekeeper to make that bed and keep her fed and do the laundry.
They want what she’s having… ALL OF IT.
Women are not falling in love with the likes of Christian Grey because they’ve suddenly discovered a penchant for anal plugs and nipple clamps. They have lain in bed, next to their snoring, overweight, disinterested, pissed-off-that-you-even-need-to-buy-clothes [let alone know what size you are], struggling-to-make-ends-meet, footy-watching, fantastically boring, selfish husbands reading the greatest fairytale ever written.
So if you want to save your marriage from the Fifty Shades of Grey breakdown, here’s what you have to do. Remember when you first fell in love with your wife/partner. When you didn’t want to fart in front of her. When her body delighted you and you couldn’t get enough of it. When you would make time to call her. When getting a call from her during your work day was a welcome distraction and not a chore. When you would happily give up watching some crap on tv to share a glass of wine outside on a warm night. When making love to her took longer than seven minutes in the dark and you would scream out her name instead of grunting. When her laugh made you warm inside. When you yearned to be with her always. Then… let her see that woman in your eyes.
And if all else fails… spank her. Apparently that’s what women want too.
Have you seen the trailer for the NEW FIFTY SHADES OF GREY MOVIE? It’s due for release on 14 February 2015 [Valentine’s Day].