12 Things You Won’t Find in Parenting Books, But Should!

I’ve read a lot of parenting books over the years. With 4 kids under 6 years old, I’ve had to. But there’s a lot of stuff they don’t put in the books, which I’ve had to figure out along the way.

Let’s just say there’s been some HARD lessons.

So if I were ever going to write a parenting book, this is what I’d put in it:

1. Taking 5 minutes for yourself is always going to be a long shot

There’ll be times when you try to set your kids up with sleep, food or activities to keep them quiet for a few minutes so you can eat your lunch in one go, or answer a few emails. But as soon as you lift that food to your mouth, I guarantee someone will need something. A drink. A cuddle. A poo.

2. The poo emergency

Speaking of number twos, when you’re out with your children, one of them will always want a poo. Not only that, but they’ll announce it really loudly, and you’ll also be in the least convenient situation possible. Like in the supermarket, with a full trolley. Or ten minutes into whatever you had planned, having JUST LEFT THE PARENTS’ ROOM, where you thought you’d be clever and get the toilet out of the way.

3. When you need to go

Still, on the subject of toilets, I hope you’re good at holding on. Because if you’re out and about with a pram and/or children, you’ll soon find how difficult it is to get to a toilet for yourself. Personally, I’ve held on to the point of hobbling just because it’s easier than trying to get us all into a public bathroom.

4. Beware the splash-back

One last toileting thing. Be very wary when you empty the potty or a dirty nappy into the toilet. If executed at a certain angle, you will encounter ‘splashback’. Of the poo variety. It happens to the best of us.

5. Kids are dirty

They’re filthy little creatures. If you’re not sure about your own, give them the iPad to play with for half an hour and look at the screen when you get it back. I dare you to touch it and try to figure out what it is.

6. Bath times do double duty

Kids are not able to keep bathwater in the bath. Don’t waste your breath trying to tell them the ‘rules for bath time’ here. Just see it as a bonus floor clean for the bathroom when it gets covered in soapy water.

7. Balloons suck

You may spend your child’s early years loving the joy a balloon can bring. You may relish getting those free balloons on sticks from shopping centres. Me, I’m over them. These days, if anyone attempts to give my children balloons on sticks, I may attempt to poke them in the face with the pointy end. I also hate the balloon twisters who give out the balloons shapes at parties, which last about 5 seconds. They either burst on the grass, get lost, or deflate before the end of the party, causing floods of grieving tears for our drive home.

8. I want to bring something

When you’re getting ready to leave the house with the kids, they will always want to ‘bring something’. You will quickly learn that it’s easier to say yes than to go through the whole reasoning and arguing thing, followed by the tantrum fallout. Your child will leave the house merrily with a toy. But this toy will be in your handbag within 10 minutes of being out and about. Either that, or you’ll constantly check them while you’re out to ensure they haven’t left it somewhere.

9. Band-aids are magic

It took me a while to get this. I’ve told my threenager that band-aids aren’t for bruises or old scabs. Or for her face. That they should be kept for when we need them and not wasted. But then I realised that band-aids possess a magical power that can sort out most crises a threenager comes across. Which means one little person making much less noise in our house. She has her own little box of band-aids in the medicine cupboard, which I dish out as required. It’s a no-brainer.

10. Sometimes no means yes

Whoops, one more toileting bit. If you’re toilet-training your child and they say they don’t need to go, they’re probably lying. What they mean is they don’t want to go. Take them anyway. Again, I’ve learned this the HARD way.

11. Craft time = danger

If you let your preschooler use textas in the house without supervision, they will colour their face. Even if you supervise, they will still somehow cover their hands in ink. Maybe other stuff too.

12. Trying to stay awake

Not you, the kids. The more tired small children become, the louder and faster they get. So when you get to the hardest part of the day (i.e. dinner/baths/bed), the kids will suddenly start misbehaving and carrying on. My theory is it’s their way of trying to stay awake because if they sit still, they might nod off. My only advice for this situation comes in two words: Early Dinner. Yes, even if it’s 4 pm.

What about you? Do you have anything you can add? Share it in the comments below – we’d love to hear from you!