I love you my little spawn and you have taught me so much so far! You will forever be my teachers and I can not wait for you to teach me the wonders of life through your eyes and about the best ways to be me.

I just wish there were some ‘life lessons’ you DIDN’T teach me!

  1. The ability to ignore the smell of human poo for an extended amount of time.
  2. The ability to get someone else’s poo and wee on you and not scream and cry like a toddler that can’t quite get that too big box into the smaller box.
  3. That while showering you should not leave a youtube song play list going because when you get out you will find your children naked and dancing to a song called ‘I would F&$k me”.
  4. There is no such thing as a relaxing shower because someone always needs to you wipe their bum or break up a WWF style punch up/chair slam in the playroom.
  5. Ground hog day is a real day and it will not be the best day you have ever had on repeat but the messiest most poo-filled one you have ever experienced in the history of the world.
  6. That when you hand you child a cup and you say “be careful not to spill it” it will almost always results in them spilling it….. on the freshly washed clothes you just folded after avoiding them for weeks and weeks.
  7. In public you are more than willing to wipe boogers up with you bare hands at the expense of strangers thinking your kids are disgusting snot demons. Oh the embarrassment.
  8. If it’s fabric and in your home, it will have at some stage had poo on it, but you will always pass it off to strangers as a chocolate stain that just won’t come out.
  9. Our bodies are not our own and your toddler will flash those pancaked boobies all over the shop and say “They are so squishy mum” and squeeze and give them a little kiss in full eye contact and view of the coffee shop owner, and you don’t even breastfeed.
  10. You will finally learn that you can passionately hate something as much as period pain and breast tenderness or poo, it comes in the form of washing and then you will know a pain worse than death when your beloved pulls the door off the drier and life is pretty much over…
  11. You learn so fast that the cup behind the couch will be there until you move house, or that jacket will stay sitting on the floor for weeks so the cats can pee on it and you’ll only remove it because the inlaws are coming to babysit.
  12. You will learn to hate toys that come with more than one piece, and when that next birthday rolls around your family and friends think you’re being a pompous jerk by requesting clothing or socks for all future birthdays.
  13. You will hate socks, especially teeny tiny baby socks, they never find their mates, never ever, so don’t even bother trying to match them up. You are not a bad human if your children spend 10 years of their childhood filled with mismatched feet.
  14. One of the best things I’ve learnt is how to turn a blind eye to: terrible attempts at tooth brushing, sword fights with brooms, wet nappies, the loss of your soul, and that last cookie they helped themselves to at lunch and when your partner mentions “it’s been a while?” A while since what… we ate?
  15. But of all the things I’ve learnt this far is how fiercely protective I can be of a few small humans. I have learnt that I can love, dislike, be incredibly frustrated and happy all at the same time. I have learnt that there is a love that can only be felt by being me, a stressed adored and doting mother.  That sometimes it really doesn’t matter that I yelled (again) and threw those Lego pieces across the room or that my children ate toast for dinner, or that my soul is actually my children’s and I’ll have it back to myself one day. That one day I will miss this mess, I will miss this chaos. I probably wont miss the poo stamps on the couch though. But I will one day miss the rawness and the disgustingness that living with these small human/demonic spawn bring us!

Can you relate?

Author

I am 30, married to Batman with 3 kids, renting a house that’s much too small with way too many animals and furniture (I like furniture). There may be poo somewhere on the couch and my soul has black spots on it, I'll clean them later.

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