Dear baby girl,
We need to have a little chat about how things work around here. Because, although you’re as sweet as can be and as cute as a button, you’re no good at doing what I want you to do.
I get that it’s hard to come from the comfy womb into this chaotic new world. You’d much rather be floating around in your blissful baby hot tub, sucking and sleeping whenever you please. Trust me, I get it.
But, alas, times have changed. You’re eight months old now, my darling baby girl, and it’s about time we put a few rules into place.
First things first, let’s talk baby sleep
1. Sleep is something ALL babies need, even you. So, when I put you in your sleeping bag, it means sleep. Not roll around and coo. SLEEP.
2. This also goes for when it’s pitch dark in the room. No need to inform me that it’s dark. I am fully aware of this fact.
3. Also, 4.30am still counts as nighttime. In no crazy world is 4.30am considered playtime or daytime. Well, not in this house at least.
4. We also need to have a little chat about the 2.30 to 3.00pm time slot. This is school pick-up time when we get your older siblings. This is NOT baby nap time. Kindly refrain from falling asleep at exactly 2.25pm.
5. Speaking of naps, 35 minutes is not long enough for a nap. So when you wake up after 35 minutes, stop smiling at me and GO BACK TO SLEEP!
Moving on to baby food…
6. Lesson Number One: Dirt is not food.
7. Also on the non-food list: baby wipes, carpet fuzz, paper and my chin.
8. Colourful mush IS on the menu though. I know you’d rather eat what we’re eating. Heck, the high chair strap looks more appetising, but trust me, I’m doing it for your own good.
9. While we’re on the topic of food, let’s also have a little chat about bottles. They aren’t, in fact, the devil. I know they aren’t boobs, but they contain the same stuff. No need to arch your back, scream the house down and act like I’m trying to feed you poison. Mummy’s boobs will be back on the menu soon. But just let mummy have a wine (or three) first.
10. Speaking of boobs, mummy’s nipple is not a slinky. Stopping mid-feed to turn your head to see what’s going on is no fun for anyone. Especially for my nipples.
11. Mummy’s arms are also not scratching posts. Kindly stop scratching me with your tiny talon fingernails. Also, on a side note – please let me clip your fingernails! #somuchouch
12. Remotes, keys, phones: MINE. My toys are the boring black things. Your baby toys are the bright, colourful, musical things. Let’s NOT slobber all over mummy’s toys.
13. Other ‘non-baby toys’ to avoid? Power points, fake plants, and freshly-folded laundry.
14. Also, the cat is NOT a plaything. The more you tug at his ears, the more he’s gonna NOT want to play. I’d probably just leave the cat alone for now. Try to make friends with him again in a couple of years.
When out and about…
15. We like to use your pram. It’s made for sitting. Not arching your back in, trying to stand up in or chewing on. This also goes for your car seat.
16. It’s customary to wear TWO socks. I don’t know why you insist on taking one sock off EVERY SINGLE DAY, but, that’s not how we humans roll, especially when it’s bloomin’ cold out.
17. There’s a time and a place for poonamis. In the grocery store line-up is not one of them. In the bath? Also not one of them. When you’re with dad? Go for it!
Final rules to note
18. If I leave you for two seconds, it’s not the end of the world. I’m probably just in the toilet, pretending to pee but really just avoiding my responsibilities for five minutes. Possibly also eating chocolate.
19. If you want something, try “Dada”. I promise you, it will work just as well as calling out “Mama” every five seconds.
20. Don’t even try me with your ‘fake cough’. Fake coughing is your way of trying to get my attention. I get it. But, sorry, sweetheart, fake coughing and crocodile tears aren’t gonna work! You’re my third baby and I am far too old and wise to be fooled (again).
21. And, finally, remember I always love you, even when I am not with you. Don’t take it personally, darling. Sometimes mummy does have to leave you, which is scary, I know. But, there is no need to go into meltdown mode when I do say goodbye.
I can assure you, I’ll always be back, ready for our sloppy kisses, 4.30am cuddles and daily hunts for that godforsaken missing sock.
Love always, your mum xxx