Ahh, sleep. That thing we used to take advantage of and now we obsess over, especially if you happen to have a baby.
Some newborns sleep well from day one and other newborns turn into non-sleeping infants/toddlers who still wake multiple times at night. My baby falls into the latter category. She has trouble falling asleep and won’t stay asleep, despite trying ALL the tricks in the book. It makes for very long nights for both of us.
If your baby falls into the same non-sleeping category, then you’ll know exactly what nights are like. And, if not, here’s a little snippet into all the fun you’re missing out on.
Welcome, ladies, to a play-by-play of nighttime with a non-sleeping infant.
Hello baby, bye-bye sleep
7:30 am: Okay, it’s nearly bedtime. She’s had dinner, she’s had her bath, she’s been covered in the proven sleep-promoting moisturiser and the overpriced lavish lavender baby sleep balm. She’s had a play, read a book, been told it’s nearly time for bed. Let’s do this.
7:45 pm: Time to stick her in her sleep sack which she clearly thinks is a bag of knives by the way she’s carrying on. Seriously child, stop arching your back and let me zip you up.
7:50 pm: In her cot, white noise on, light-up elephant on. Oh shit, the bloody light-up elephant stopped lighting up.
7:55 pm: Where are the batteries for this goddam elephant?
8:00 pm: Okay, elephant back on, baby standing up in cot bouncing and babbling like she’s been given a litre of Red Bull. Awesome. Time to kiss her, pat her and leave.
8:15 pm: I WILL NOT GO IN THE NURSERY….
8:30 pm: One little cuddle won’t hurt. And, if I’m cuddling her, I might as well just let her fall asleep in my arms and transfer her.
8:43 pm: Success. Baby is asleep. Now, time to do ALL the things in 17 minutes so I can get to bed by 9:00 pm.
8:45 pm: Maybe I’ll just sit down and watch 10 minutes of Netflix…
9:45 pm: Goddammit…Go to bed.
10:00 pm: Okay, lights out. Baby still asleep. God, she’s cute when she sleeps… okay, time to shut my eyes.
10:05 pm: Except I’m not tired.
10:10 pm: Did I leave the oven on?
10:15 pm: And she’s awake. Pat, pat, hush, hush, back to sleep for baby.
11:49 pm: Awake again. It must be like 5 am by now. Oh, nope. Not even midnight. Quick feed and back to sleep.
Midnight sleep tally: 1 hour and 40 minutes
12:03 pm: Holy dying cat what the eff is that sound coming from my partner? I don’t even think that can classify as a snore. It’s the holy grail of snoring. He is literally the Lord of the Snore.
12:04 am: I wonder what Elijah Woods looks like these days. I should Google it…
12:06 am: No, shut up brain. Baby is actually asleep. Kick your partner and go to sleep.
1:16 am: Is she awake again? Or am I dreaming it? I can’t even tell anymore. I better check. Oh yep. Awake.
1:20 am: Where’s the bloody dummy? Why isn’t there such thing as a glow-in-the-dark dummy? Oh found it. Under the cot. Of course. Dummy in. Baby back down.
2:40 am: What is this sorcery? Is she seriously awake again???
2:43 am: I’m gonna pretend to be asleep. Maybe her dad will get her.
2:50 am: Apparently not. Maybe if I kick him…
2:51 am: Seriously, how can he NOT hear her???
2:53 am: Ugh, I’ll just feed her and she’ll probably go back to sleep. Nighttime weaning starts tomorrow…
3 am sleep tally: 2 hours and 20 minutes
3:41 am: I think I heard her cough. She must be getting sick. I should check her forehead for a fever. Ah, bugger I think I woke her up… shhh shhh, back to sleep.
3:51 am: If I fall asleep now I can still get like three hours of sleep. That’s pretty good. People can totally function on three hours of sleep.
3:55 am: Except the Lord of the Snore has rolled back onto his stomach….How can the baby sleep through this madness???
4:16 am: I wonder how many women have divorced their husbands for snoring too loudly.
4:25 am: God what is that smell??? Did she poo in her sleep? Or just fluff? I don’t wanna check. It’s probably just a fart. It’s probably nothing.
4:28 am: But what if she’s pooed and then she gets massive nappy rash? I will feel so awful.
4:33 am: Ugh. Just check. Nope, nothing there. All good. She’s still asleep.
4:34 am: Wait a minute, IS SHE EVEN BREATHING????
4:35 am: Oh, yep, breathing. All good. Phew. Heart attack averted. Close your eyes… you can still get a couple of hours of solid sleep.
5:35 am: What the shizz? Is she babbling? Oh lord, she can’t actually think it’s time to get up for the day? It’s still dark out.
5:40 am: Yep, she’s wide awake. Ready to party. If I lay here really still maybe she will get bored and go back to sleep. Or at least play quietly in her cot.
5:45 am: Nope.
5:50 am: Okay, maybe if I bring her into bed and feed her she will drift back to sleep.
5:55 am: Nope.
6:00 am: Okay, that’s DEFINITELY poo I smell…
Total sleep tally total: 6 hours (if I’m lucky)
Yes, having a baby who isn’t great at sleeping can be a bit painful. But, hey, it’s all part of the parenting thing. One day our babies will sleep through the night and we will miss all the night wakings. Maybe.
Helping baby sleep