Ever give your kids a Christmas present that you instantly regret? Sure, there’s those battery-operated talking dolls and those god-awful blasting guns, but those, I can handle.
This year, one of the gifts my daughter received takes the cake for the worst of the worst when it comes to Christmas gifts.
What is it, you ask?
Meet “Uni”. Or, as I like to call it – that seemingly innocent MASSIVE freaking unicorn floatie that has officially become the bane of my existence.
No unicorns for Christmas
It seemed like a good idea at the time. We have a pool. It was cheap. What could possibly go wrong?
First of all, the thing is almost bigger than our pool. Seriously, it’s huge. And awkward AF. No one can swim when “Uni” is in the pool because the bulky beast takes up the entire area. It pretty much needs its own stable and paddock.
Second of all, a massive magical unicorn this big needs A LOT of air. It took me three wines to blow up just the stupid wings. And the whole time my daughter sat beside me, urging me on, begging me to get “Uni” up as fast as I could.
Santa clearly forgot to bring me an air pump…
Next issue? My daughter loves the stupid thing. Which is great. But it also means that “Uni” doesn’t just live in the pool. Or no. “Uni” has to go wherever she goes. Which means she drags the floatie into the house, into her bedroom, into the playroom.
Just when I think I’m safe from the creepy creature, it pops up in the strangest places. And scares the living shit out of me.
‘Floating freaky unicorn suffocates mum in her sleep’
Which brings me to the main reason me and “Uni” are clearly not friends – the thing is stalking me. Seriously, I can’t escape it. As I watch TV, it bobs across the pool, right in front of the window, its beady eyes staring directly at me.
As I enjoy a coffee outside, I catch a glimpse of the the one-horned exorcist out of the corner of my eye. Watching me. Bobbing around MY pool. Waiting to make its move and creep into MY house.
It’s only going to get worse. Because “Uni” is the perfect floatie to bring to the creek. And the beach. Or camping. Pretty much everywhere we love to spend our time.
I honestly had no idea this thing was going to be this huge when I bought it. And I had no idea it would become my daughter’s new BFF. Or that it would be possessed by the devil.
So what can I do? I can’t “accidentally” pop it (not yet at least). And I can’t deflate it without breaking my daughter’s heart, giving in and having to endure another blow-up marathon that leaves me red-faced and drunk.
So I smile as my daughter and “Uni” play in the pool. I pretend not to see the beady eyed beast when it bobs across the window. And I now sleep with a sharp pen beside my bed…you know, just in case.
Amazingly enough, “Uni” isn’t the creepiest toy I’ve ever come across. Check out these 15 toys that are sure to give the whole household nightmares.