Looking to get divorced during the delivery of your first child? Here’s how to make it happen.
Simply follow this step-by-step guide and we can guarantee you’ll be receiving death stares by the time bub arrives. And possibly a kick to the balls.
If you would like to play the supportive, kind, caring, loving husband during labour, then read on. And do the COMPLETE OPPOSITE.
Step one: Park as far as you possibly can away from the hospital
And, when your wife stops half-way through the trek because her waters have broken, complain about her being slow. And making a mess in the middle of the street.
Step two: Turn the room television on to any sport
Game over. Especially if it’s cricket. She’s in labour. She gets control of the remote.
Step three: Yawn
Go ahead. We dare you. Even better, fall asleep beside her. That should end well.
Step four: Take selfies as your wife labours in the background
Make sure you snap the photo at mid-contractions. And smile!
Step five: Discuss how slow and long the process is
Because clearly, she doesn’t know. She’s only going through it.
Step six: Comment on the fluids coming out of her
Jeez hun, you’re really sweating a lot. And leaking weird goo everywhere.
Thanks Captain Obvious.
Step seven: Eat something super delicious
The more yummy the meal, the more likely a divorce.
Step eight: Complain about being sore
Those hospital chairs are pretty uncomfortable, hey? You know what’s more uncomfortable? Pushing a child out of your vagina.
Step nine: Wander down south without permission
If you do have a look at the crowning glory, be sure to also comment with something along the lines of, “Wow, that is disgusting.” Or, better still, “I’m glad I’m not a woman.”
Step ten: Congratulate her with “See, that wasn’t so bad.”
And follow it up with, “Hey, the baby looks just like me!”
So there you go dads-to-be. Your all-access guide on how to be the worst labour support person in the history of ever. You can thank us later. Oh, and be sure to also check out our guide on how to piss off a new mum.