How to Piss Off a New Mum (In 10 Easy Steps)

Never underestimate the wrath of a mum with a newborn.

Sure, we may not be pregnant anymore, but the lunacy that comes with nine months of pregnancy doesn’t wear off overnight. Oh no. In fact, the craziness can elevate in the postpartum phase, making it easy extra to piss us off.

After all, in addition to the lack of sleep and inability to pee without wincing in pain, we also have a boat-load of raging post-pregnancy hormones pulsating through our battered and bruised bodies.

And let’s not forget about the hungry infant constantly attached to our boob.

Things you should NEVER do when visiting a new mum

So, how can you enrage a new mum when you come and visit the new bundle of joy? It’s easy. Simply do ANY of the following things during that first week postpartum.

Oh, and, if you happen to have a shoe thrown at your head on the way out the door, don’t say we didn’t warn you…

Make sure you cough a lot. And then ask to cuddle the baby. Go ahead, we dare you.

Odds are, she planned for your visit. She probably even put on a shirt. And maybe even brushed her hair. Going to this effort and then being stood up, well, it’s pretty much the equivalent to a slap in the face.

Especially if the house is oddly quiet at the time you arrive. This no doubt means bub has finally gone to sleep, so ringing the doorbell will ensure he wakes up, ruining the new mum’s only chance of actually getting a shower.

And complain about how tired you are.

Straighten your hair, put on heels and wear something super tight that shows off your perfectly sized uterus. Because all new mums LOVE to be reminded of how sh*t they look in comparison to their well-rested friends.

Preferably ones where the new mum looks like absolute death, with her mum tum on display and all. What mum doesn’t love the idea of showing up on strangers’ news feeds looking frumpy and engorged?

Something along the lines of “Oh, I knew someone with that name in high school. She was such a bitch”. Or, “I know SOOO many babies with that name.” Or, even better, “Aren’t you afraid she will get teased?”.

And then list several things she is doing wrong that is causing the baby to cry. She is probably wrapped too tightly. The baby is probably hungry. She is probably too hot. 

She is probably overtired and overstimulated and wants this weird new person to leave so she can have her mum and her mum’s breasts back.  Just a hunch…

Remain seated while she does the dishes, folds the washing and mops the floor. Better still, remain seated AND play on your phone. Oh, and, while you’re at it, go ahead and pour yourself a glass of wine. That should end well.

Because there is nothing a new mum wants to do more than feed you.

If you do want to make a good impression when visiting a new mum and her new bundle of joy, then avoid doing ANY of the above things.

Instead, arrive on time, clean something while you’re there and bring food, preferably something she can eat with one hand. Oh, and leave the tight-fitting clothing at home. Have a look at these 11 additional dos and donts when visiting a newborn.