Ah.. pregnancy. A time where everything is swollen, your hormones are through the roof and your chance of bumping into other swollen, hormonal pregnant women is multiplied by like a trillion. Seriously, get pregnant and you’ll start seeing pregnant mums EVERYWHERE.
You’ll notice them on the streets, sit next to them at doctor’s appointments, run into them while browsing the baby section at Target and make small talk with them during ante-natal class.
Some pregnant mums will be cool. They may even become your new pregnant BFF. Others will leave you wanting to run for the hills. Or at least wanting to back away from the awkward conversation as quickly as possible.
Gird your loins… here come the pregnant mums!
But, seriously, are there really different types of pregnant mums? Oh yes, there certainly are.
And you’re most likely going to encounter THEM ALL!
So, without further ado, let’s meet the parade of pregnant mums.
*Disclaimer* No pregnant mums were harmed in the making of this. It’s just for fun so calm down, Carol, and play along.
Carries an ultrasound picture in her bag. Wants to paint the ultrasound pic on her nails but is worried the acrylic will harm her baby (yes, ultrasound nail art is actually something pregnant women do). Lives on bottled water, crackers and carrots. Everything else is unsafe.
Wears long flowy white gowns. Looks like an actual pregnant Grecian goddess. Shares weekly baby bump pics on Instagram. Uses #soblessed every time.
Always carries a snack, most often it’s chocolate. Forgot to take the glucose tolerance test. Is fully aware that caffeine isn’t the best beverage choice. Is also fully aware that if one more person tells her that, she will throw her hot coffee in their face.
LOVES being pregnant. Tells everyone she meets. Goes to the gym daily. Also does pregnancy yoga, pregnancy pilates, and pregnancy pole dancing. Isn’t sure what people mean when they say “cankles”.
HATES being pregnant. Also tells everyone she meets. Firmly believes her husband is the actual devil for impregnating her.
Belongs to every single pregnancy Facebook group there is. Made a three-page birth plan. Also has a backup birth plan. Both are laminated. Has enrolled her unborn baby into swimming lessons, Gymbaroo and three kindergartens for 2025.
Didn’t discover she was pregnant until 16 weeks. Will stab you if you try to touch her belly. Or steal her baby name. Is counting down the days until she can have a proper glass of wine. Will be requesting an epidural, thank you very much.
Stopped work at 25 weeks because she read an article suggesting work is bad for babies. Thinks you should do the same. Starts the majority of her sentences with, “I recently read a study…” Thinks your baby bump is too big and wonders if you’re having twins.
Has narrowed her baby name list down to 37 names. Also has checked off 57 of the 103 things on her must-have baby item list. Firmly believes that if you don’t colour-coordinate your nursery, then you shouldn’t be a mum.
Carries a spew bag in her purse wherever she goes. Sends her doctor text messages weekly. Is pretty sure she has every single pregnancy condition on the planet. Likes to share this with every single person she bumps into.
Doesn’t give a sh*t about your 37 baby names. Or your colour-coordinated nursery. Hates the idea of baby shopping. Prefers to spend her weekends on the couch in air-con binge-watching Suits and eating nachos. If you suggest she watch “One Born Every Minute” she will literally eat you.
Planning to give birth in a creek. Is counting on a doula, birds and possibly a deer or two to show up for the occasion and assist with the birth. Won’t be vaccinating or circumcising her baby but will be raising him gender-neutral. Likes the name Bambi.
What to read next
So there we are. The different types of pregnant mums. Which one are (or were) you? I was a perfectly imperfect combination of Ash, Mel, and Tracey.
Once you have the baby you’ll meet a whole new genre of mums – the school mums. And aren’t they a treat!